Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Hot merging action!

That disturbance you felt? That was millions of nerd-minds crying out in conflicted rage and excitement. Why? Because there're going to be new Star Wars movies.
In other news, I guess there was a storm or something.
In a totally hot merger of synergy and diverse content portfolios, George Lucas is selling Lucasfilm to Disney for the princely sum of all the money ever. Wrap your head around that. He's selling Star Wars and all Star Wars related Star Warsiness like it's an old barbecue he doesn't use anymore. He's remaining on as a 'creative consultant,' and I'm sure there's some kind of contractual back door here somewhere but the guy who for years has been insisting that he is Star Wars and Star Wars is he is selling the thing that has held generations of virgins in its thrall.

Above: The moment in Episode I
where all joy left the world forever.
Ok, but sequels? If you recall, Lucas has been telling us for years that he'd originally written nine Star Wars movies and that the entire series fits harmoniously together in a sublime nonology so perfect that it will outshine every previous work of man and render obsolete all other stories ever told. It was our failure to embrace the prequels that forced him to hang up his plaid flannel and never ever make another Star Wars movie again as long as he lives.

It's only a matter of time until we see
the three-way with Square Enix in
the next Kingdom Hearts game. 
This was of course, bullshit, and Disney, having no intention of letting the franchise sit in the garage and recognizing that fans will pay anything, ANYTHING, to see new and decent Star Wars movies has announced that Episode 7 will be out in 2015, with 8 and 9 to follow. Goddamn. Now before you roll your eyes and predict that they will suck keep these two facts in mind: First, it would take some Omega-level stupidity to-out suck the prequels. Second, you're going to go see them anyway. No really. You might as well hand over your $11 right now.

Yeah, look at the expression on Yoda's face
and tell me there's not a metaphor here.

Monday, October 29, 2012


So, anyone want to take a guess at how long it will be before someone suggests that hurricane Sandy is God's punishment for gay people? A week? Maybe three days? If you said like of couple minutes, congratulations, your opinion of humanity is sufficiently low.
While the causes of hurricanes are not fully understood, we are certain that atmospheric
pressure, condensation and dudes making out are key factors (source: science).
Above: The Holy God of Israel.
Check out this shit. It's about a blog called John McTernan's Insights wherein some lunatic named John McTernan connects the dots and shows us how things like the recent drought, subsequent wildfires and now the hurricane aren't the result of meteorological phenomena but instead are happening because "...the Holy God of Israel is systematically destroying America right before our eyes." He also uses some sort of Bible math to show how the hurricane is happening 21 years after George H. W. Bush proposed some Mideast peace process and this is our punishment.

"Mr. President, with respect, you don't
have a clear agenda for destroying Isreal."
-Mitt Ronmey on the crusades
Wait, wah? Bush? I thought gay people caused hurricanes? Well, according to John McTernan, it's not just the gays and Democrats who are destroying 'murica, it's everyone who isn't John McTernan. Of course Obama and Romney are high on the list:

"Obama is 100 percent behind the Muslim Brotherhood which has vowed to destory Israel and take Jerusalem. Both candidates are pro-homosexual and are behind the homosexual agenda."
-John McTernan's crazy

So to clarify: Obama and Mitt Romney have teamed up with the pro-homosexual Muslim Brotherhood and together they will take over Jerusalem and that's why you need to stock up on canned goods. Thanks John McTernan, it all makes sense now!
"That's right, we're gay, well-dressed and have unlimited control
over hurricanes and drought. Don't fuck with us."
-Gay people

This race is over.

"Excellent, excellent...Joe Biden
has played right into my hands..."
Here it is everybody, the October surprise we've all been waiting for. Yesterday at a campaign rally, Vice President Joe Biden twice referred to former Governor and current Senate candidate Tim Kaine as Tom Kaine. Watch how the Romney campaign masterfully turns this momentary lapse into a contest ending advantage:

"Vice President Biden forgot the name of his own Virginia Democratic Senate nominee and he wants voters to forget about President Obama's failed economic policies and lack of a real agenda for a second term..." 

-Romney Campaign spokesdick Ryan Williams

Bam. A guy who's pushing 70 and has been campaigning non-stop for months said 'Tom' when he meant 'Tim.' Obviously this slip of the tongue is symptomatic of the failure of the Obama administration and why you should totally vote Republican. You know, the rape guys.
"I was going to vote for Obama because I support marriage equality, affordable
health care
and the right to choose, but then Joe Biden called Tim Kaine 'Tom.'
Now I see that our nation is on the wrong track. I mean, his name is Tim."
-Former Obama supporter

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Today in people who should stop talking:

You know, it's about time some
white guys weighed in on abortion.
Oh lord. It's a weekday so you know what that means. Yup, another Republican has opened his talk-hole on the subject of abortion. This time at an Indiana Senatorial debate, behold:

"I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. I think that even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen."

-Indiana Senatorial Candidate and
noted theologian Richard Mourdok

If you're ever out drinking with
The Lord, keep an eye on your drink. I'm confused, is he saying that God causes rape to happen, or just the rapes that result in pregnancy? I'm no biblical scholar, but traditionally, if God wants to create a child doesn't He just do it the old fashioned way? Like with midichlorians or something? Since when does He have to rely on some college asshole with a ziplock full of roofies? Also, there's sort of an implication here that rapists are somehow doing God's work. Is it just me or is that really fucked up?

"What would Richard Mourdock do?"
-Frightened teen
And what does Mourdok mean when he says that he struggled with it for a long time? I assume he means he's struggled with his views on abortion and rape because no where on his website does he mention ever being impregnated against his will. I'm just pointing this out because I think it's important to keep in mind when weighing his contribution to the discussion. It's not that I think we menfolk can't have an opinion about abortion, I'm just suggesting that people who've never had to make a decision about it shut up a little when it comes to condemning people who have.

Above: the gene responsible for
meaningless political distraction.

But you know what? I blame us for this. All of us. Not for Richard Mourdok being an idiot, that's probably genetic, but for the fact that we, as a culture, put him in the position to wax stupid in front of a microphone in the first place. Why the hell do we still ask politicians to chime in on something that's been established law since 1973? Aren't they supposed to be letting people know where they stand on issues that will come up in the Senate? Roe v. Wade isn't up for discussion. Is it? isn't is it? Like, for real, if it is, then this whole damn election cycle needs to be about it, it can not be just a one off question on Richard McBushybrows' OK Cupid profile.
Incidentally, Sam Waterston called. He'd like his eyebrows back. Burn.
Update: The Rewordening
"Stop talking. No. Stop
talking Richard. Shut it."
Needless to say, Mourdok quickly tried to walk back his comment saying: 

"God does not want rape, and by no means was I saying that He does. Rape is a horrible thing, and for anyone to twist my words otherwise is absurd and sick."

-Richard Mourdok, heroically coming out against rape

So, to clarify: when Mourdok said that pregnancies resulting from rape '[are] something that God intended to happen' what he actually meant're not something that God intended to happen...clear? Holy shit, maybe everyone should stop talking for God. Sound good? 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Oh, twist!

Check out this this amazing clip. At first he's all God's plan this, homosexuals that, but then-you didn't watch it did you? What, you don't have two minutes? Yeah, that's what I thought. Here's the link again, I'll wait...finished? Great. Pretty cool huh?
Nobody with glasses that hipster could possibly be against gay rights.
The 50's: famous for seething racial
hatred and hats. They were big on hats.
That's a guy named Philip Snider pretending to rail against gay rights before revealing that he pieced his rant together from pro-segregation arguments made by white preachers in the 1950's. He pulled his rhetorical switch-a-roo back in August at a Springfield Missouri City Council hearing on whether or not to add sexual orientation and gender identity to the anti-discrimination ordinance, the youtube video only got wide attention a couple of days ago.

That night, hundreds attended and 77 signed up to speak. Of those, 46 spoke in favor and 31 spoke against. So yeah 46 people are all for it and that's awesome, but that leaves 31 people. 31 people actually got in their cars and drove to city hall on a Monday night to take a stand for discrimination. Can you believe it? Don't they have anything better to do?
Turns out they all DVR'd 2 Broke Girls.

"Hey, maybe we could all try not being jerks
to eachother. I don't know, sound good?"

-Some guy
Anyway, in case you were wondering, the dude wasn't kidding, he is a for real minister. The Reverend Dr. Philip Snider, Senior Minister at Brentwood Christian Church. Yup. That would make Snider himself a white southern preacher. Bam. Take that, expectations. And take a look at Snider's blog wherein he responds to the attention his speech has received and also re-enforces his assertion that Christianity needn't be hostile towards gay rights. Wow. That strange sensation you're feeling? That's hope for the future of humanity. Takes some getting used to, huh?

Friday, October 19, 2012

Maybe it's a medical condition?

Yeah, I know I said I'd lay off of them for a day but holy shit. While I'm sure we need to do further research on the subject, I'm going to go ahead and say that Republicans are biologically incapable of hearing themselves talk. Behold:
"Now it's a war on women; tomorrow it's going to be a war on left-handed Irishmen."
-GOP Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan,
not helping

"No, you can't."
So he said and so it was tweeted by an ABC reporter at a GOP fundraiser in Florida. Ok, look, I know Republicans aren't waging a war on women. They're not, that's ridiculous. Yes, it's true that they don't, as a party, trust half of the planet's population to make decisions about their own bodies and lives, and they're pretty sure that women don't need to get paid as much as men, but that's not really a war, just a general effort designed to roll back equal rights and relegate women to second-class status in the name of traditional values. It's more like they declared 'fuck you' on women.

"Pffft...rape I right
fellas? I mean, c'mon."

-Paul Akin, who still has his job 
I think part of the problem is that they don't know what the hell they're talking about. Remember when Todd Akin opened his GOP-hole about victims of rape having the miraculous power to not get pregnant unless they were secretly into it? Or more recently when Illinois Representative Joe Walsh waxed stupid about how women don't die in childbirth anymore thanks to science and that's why abortion should be illegal without exception. Amazing! But do comments like these mean Republicans hate women? 

Eh. I don't know. I think so, but I could be misjudging them. Maybe they just don't realize how sexist they sound or maybe they just genuinely just can't hear what they're saying most of the time. It's kind of like how Paul Ryan just used the term 'Irishmen.' I mean, who the hell says Irishmen anymore?
Above: Irishmen, on their way to a bar...most likely (source: Racism).

Thursday, October 18, 2012

No really, what's up with these guys?

Just a warning, I'm about to rag on Republicans for a minute here, so if you stumbled upon this accidentally while looking for a blog about yachts or where the next tea bagger rally is, you might want to bail out now. I promise, tomorrow's post will be about hover cars or robots or something. Just to show there're no hard feelings, here's a picture of Ronald Reagan:
Stern yet grandfatherly countenance, hair confidently lacquered, flags waving in the breeze,
if this isn't giving you a raging-Boener, you're probably a socialist.
Romney Ryan 2012:
"Or else..."

Anyway, Republicans. Look, I don't really think that they're all bad people, but as a group they seem to pull some outrageous shit and then shrug as if to say 'What? What's wrong with that?' Take this for example:

"I hope you make it very clear to your employees what you believe is in the best interest of your enterprise and therefore their job and their future in the upcoming elections..."

-Mitt Romney, totally not telling business owners
to threaten their workers into voting for him

"Vote Romney, or I shall steeng your family."
-Nasonex Bee

Now, in his defense he did quickly follow up with a comment about how he hopes business owners will tell their employees simply to vote. regardless of whether or not it's for him or President Obama, but to also keep in mind that Obama totally hates business and success and probably America. Anyway, it's one of several recent examples of business owners telling employees that if Obama is reelected their jobs will be in danger. Now, you might be asking yourself What the hell? and Is that even legal?

Sorry kid, the Republicans lost the
California 38th. You're on your own.
Well apparently it is. Because companies are people and money is speech. And why not? Since when do companies have anything other than our best interests in mind? But does the fact that telling your employees who to vote for isn't technically illegal mean it's in any way ok? I suppose there isn't anything legally wrong with telling your children that you'll disown them if the Democrats keep the Senate but that doesn't mean you're not a horrible person for making the threat in the first place.

How come whenever there's an issue the Republicans immediately jump to which ever side is the evil-est and then pretend it's some kind of moral choice. Reproductive rights, same-sex marriage and now threatening voters with their jobs. For a party that's all about freedom and self-determination it seems kind of weird that they'd be cool with telling people what to do with their reproductive systems, marriages and votes.
It's as though they lack a left trigger option.
(If you get that, you're a nerd. Congratulations.)
On the other hand, the GOP now has
Lindsay Lohan on their side and
she's never made a bad move...
So what gives? Is there something I'm missing? Do you get a free car if you register Republican? There are four Supreme Court Justices rapidly approaching the mandatory retirement age of dead. That means that whoever wins in November will likely get a chance to shape the court for the next 40 years. While we're probably all going to be millionaires one day and will need a Republican President to keep the mooching 47% off our fortunes, for now I'm going to stick with voting for people who aren't actively working to curtail civil rights. Is that crazy?

Anyway, I'm done. I'll get off the soapbox now. Just so as I don't go out on a sour note here, here's a picture of a magic unicorn fighting a dragon I found on the internet. Man, there is nothing you can't find on the internet.

God damn, that's awesome.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Bonus vitriol!

Check out Ann 'Extra-Spicy Bucket of Crazy' Coulter's funny, funny joke about last week's National Coming out Day:

C'mon, just this once?
You see it's funny because LGBT teens are more than 8 times more likely to commit suicide. What a card she is. A rancid, hate-filled card. Like the 2 of clubs. You know, sometimes I find myself wondering whether or not there's a god, and if there is does he/she/it or they ever take an active role in our lives? Then I remember: The fact that people like Ann Coulter can walk around all day without getting struck by lightning is just the universe's way of saying: 'you're on your own.' Looks like the ball is once again in your court, Russian homophobes.

From Russia, With Irrational Hatred

Twenty three years after being single-handedly defeated by Ronald Reagan's confidence-inspiring coiffure, the Russians are back for more. This time it's not the space race, or nuclear weapons or beating the acting ability out of Sylvester Stallone, no, now they're trying to out-crazy us in the field of right-wing homophobic bullshit.
Psscht...good luck, Russia.

That's the gays for you, always
wanting you to get enough
vitamin D and calcium.
How's that? Check this out. Yeah, that's right, Russian homophobes are afraid that milk is going to turn their kids gay. What the what now? Yeah, you see the city of St. Petersburg passed a law back in March which bans anything that can be seen as promoting homosexuality and pedophilia to minors. So in addition to conflating homosexuality with pedophilia, the law is designed to persecute people for talking about, reading about or even thinking about the fact that there are gay people in the world. Holy shit Russia.

Bzzzzt! You are now gay.
Anyway, the makers of Vesyloy Milk are in trouble with the People's Council (an anti-gay watchdog group with absolutely nothing else going on in their lives) for violating the anti-gay law by placing a rainbow on their milk cartons. Rainbows as I'm sure you're aware are the trademarked property of the global gay agenda, who use satellite-mounted prisms to bombard the earth's surface with multi-colored rays known to spread gayness and devil worship among the children (Source: science).

Now, before you start pointing and laughing at those backwards borscht-eating, Sputnik lovers, keep in mind that we have our own Republican party who tried to (and kind of did) pass a law that would ban acknowledging the existence of gay people in schools until the eighth grade. That was right here, in America. Well, sort of...Tennessee.
"You're all going to hell."
-The official Republican Party 
stance on gay people. Enjoy.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

It's Federation Day 2012!

Here's to more than 40 years of
keeping broad stereotypes alive.
I hope you remembered to pick up your lycra body suit from the cleaners because Federation Day has come again. Don't know what the hell I'm talking about? That's because you lead a well rounded life and probably mate more than once every seven years. Congratulations. Here are some previous blog posts that will fill you in on this nerdiest of holidays: bu-bam and ka-pow. With me? Good, as you now know, Federation Day is the day we set aside to remember the future founding of the United Federation of Planets which is due to happen about 149 years from today.

How are you going to celebrate this year? Here're some ideas:

"Stop making fun of my ears you
racist son of a bitch!"
Abandon human emotions and devote yourself to cold, unfeeling logic! Why the hell would you want to do such a thing? Well, if the Vulcans (the green-blooded space elves on Star Trek) have taught us anything, it's that smug superiority is not only not an emotion, but a necessity. There is nothing more badass than remaining aloof while the rest of the bridge crew has a good laugh at your expense. Also, as an added bonus, when you finally do loose it, you can bet your bottom credit that everyone will be paying attention.

Speak Klingon! All day. Go on try it. Yeah, if you didn't already know, a linguist named Marc Okrand was hired by Paramount back in the 80's to invent the Klingon language. Now there are dictionaries, translations of famous pieces of literature, opera and even a goddamn Klingon version of Charles Dickins' A Christmas Carol. What's that? You don't speak Klingon? No problem, chances are no one you run into will either.
Of course if you're hanging outside ballroom C at the Buffalo Hilton and run into people dressed like this,
there's a decent chance one of them will be on to your shenanigans.
"Bullshit bullshit, warp bullshit
bullshit bullshit polarity bullshit."

-Geordi, explaining things
Technobable your way out of a problem! On Star Trek there was nothing the characters (or really the writers) couldn't bullshit their way out of through the power of sciency-sounding double talk. Transporters off-line? Re-route power from the plasma junction from Jeffries Tube four. Temporal distortion (a.k.a. time hole) ripping the fabric of reality apart? Just modify the main deflector to emit an inverse tachyon pulse. See? It's that easy. The trick is to say it with a straight face so that the viewers at home feel like they totally just understood what you just said.

There's no reason this shouldn't work in real life. Did someone at work just catch you googling Seven of Nine/Harley Quinn erotic fan-fiction? No problem. An EPS power surge caused a cascade failure in the starboard computer core creating an emergent sentience which tried to frame you. Obviously.
"God damnit Tim, I can see you! And don't give me that sentient
computer virus crap again, I saw that episode."
-Tim's boss, shorty before asking security
to escort Tim out of the building

Monday, October 8, 2012

Break out the salted cod!

Hooray, today's Columbus Day. Yaaaay. Look, I'm glad America exists and all, but Christopher Columbus was kind of a dick. Also, he didn't discover the Americas, he just sort of introduced the inhabitants to all the diseases Europeans had been breeding in their dense urban sprawls for hundreds of years.
"You're welcome."
-Christopher Columbus
Other notable Nordic-Americans
include...uh, I think Rose from
Golden Girls? She counts, right?
Anyway, as I'm sure you're aware, tomorrow is Leif Ericson Day (ironically coming after Columbus Day). Who Whatson-wah Day? Leif Ericson Day: the day set aside to honor Leif Ericson, the Viking explorer. He also didn't discover America, but he did it (or rather didn't do it) about 492 years before Christopher 'Typhoid Mary' Columbus. Also, while Ericson's voyages didn't result in permanent settlement in the New World, they did result in 100% less genocide. So what did Ericson accomplish? Well, other than one-upping Christopher Columbus, and giving us a white-guilt-free alternative to Columbus Day, he's also a hero to millions of Scandinavian Americans.

Still, neither of these guys really discovered America. I mean, there were people here already, and they got here by crossing the Bering Strait at low tide in the middle of an ice age. Can't we get a day off for that?
Did I mention that they hunted these things? With sharpened sticks?

Sunday, October 7, 2012

I'd totally vote for a level 85 Orc.

Are you longing for the good old days when kids played stick ball and poked dead bodies by the train tracks instead of rotting away in front of the computer games?
Ahh...simpler times. Sure, sexual harassment and racial segregation were commonplace,
but ahh...simpler times. Also, everyone smoked and put way too much butter on everything.
Oh, and polio was a thing. Hey, you know what? The good old days kind of sucked...
Swearing? On the internet?
How fucking dare she!
In an effort to show us how hip conservatives are, Maine Republicans have latched on to state senate candidate Colleen Lachowicz's MMORPG hobby. What the shit is a MMORPG? It's a massively multiplayer online RPG. Huh? Sigh...role playing game. Anyway, yes, Colleen Lachowicz plays World of Warcraft and she posts on Daily Kos and she says swear words. A grown up playing a video game? A liberal expressing liberal opinions on a liberal blog? Outrageous!

Made with loathing, frosted by rage.
Fortunately, the GOP is getting the word out. To that end they have set up a website where conservatives (assuming they can get their kids to turn on the internets for them) can read all about the bizarre double life Lachowicz leads online. It's called 'Colleen's World' and it kind of suggests that Lachowicz, and by extension all people who play video games, are incapable of telling the difference between games and real life. As you can imagine, this frosts my cookies.
Santiaga claims she was born in Azeroth,
but refuses to show a birth certificate.

"Colleen Lachowizc, AKA Santiaga, is a gamer in the massively multiplayer online role-playing game World of Warcraft (WoW), which takes place in the make-believe land Azeroth. Today, Colleen/Santiaga is an orc assassin rogue playing at level 85. She and the members of her "Wreck List Guild"--Colleen/Santiaga's WoW online alliance--post comments to each other on liberal online forums including the Daily Kos..."

-From Colleen's World. Imagine it being read
by the guy that voices negative political ads.

You know, nine million people play World of Warcraft. Nine million. In other fun facts, almost half of all U.S. homes have a game console, the average gamer is 30 years old and 47% of them are women. So can we all please agree that games aren't just for anti-social shut-ins? Sure, we're a significant percentage, but still...
Republicans are already suggesting that Santiaga's high level and
XP numbers have been inflated by the Obama administration.