Monday, October 11, 2010

It's Federation Day!

That's right everybody, today is (among other things, see below) Federation Day!
By a vote of 93 yes, 47 no and 10 abstentions the resolution is carried.
The Council has found the Vulcan Ambassador's hat to be 'adorable.'
"Peace through superior firepower..."

For those of you who have lives, I'll explain. Oct. 11 is the day (151 years from now) that the United Federation of Planets (from Star Trek...duh) will be founded. It's sort of like the U.N...but in space and with a fleet of Starships capable of laying waste to entire the name of peace. So really it's actually nothing like the U.N. Although thanks to this woman, and things like this we're getting there.

Any-who, here's a list of things you can do to mark the occasion:

1) Not interfere with alien cultures. Unless they worship a malfunctioning computer. Then by all means, murder their god-thing and plunge their society into chaos.
"...Yes, I suppose our god is vulnerable to phaser fire.
Why do you ask?"

2) Wear a futuristic unitard! By the 24th century we will have moved beyond the need for fashion. These algae-based people covers are just the thing to ensure that you'll never get laid again.
"That's right Earth ladies, I'm single..."
3) Embrace a philosophy of total open-mindeness and acceptance towards beings and cultures different from your own. Except, of course, the Ferengi. They treat women like objects, still use money and eat bugs. It's open season on those guys.
"To seek out new life...and throttle it."
Yes, I know what you're thinking: "Isn't this also also Columbus Day or something?" Yes it is, but screw him. He's only famous for 'discovering' the Americas which is total crap because:

a) There were already people living here for tens of thousands of years. He discovered America in the same way that someone breaks into your house and 'discovers' your television.

b) Even if you want to say he's the first European to discover America, this is also crap because Vikings had already been here. By this logic I can say that I just discovered America. Where's my holiday, hmm?

c) It's not like other Europeans or someone else wouldn't have come across it eventually. I mean, it's not Narnia, it's right here taking up a big chunk of the western hemisphere.

d) He played a key role in the decimation of the Arawak people so really he could also be called one of history's biggest monsters depending on how you look at it.

"Stone age weapons you say? Gold, you say? Hmmm, interesting..."

Yup. And not just the Arawaks. He kind of set the tone for the next few hundred years of 'exploration.' You see the Arawaks had gold and inferior weaponry. This is something which Columbus and those who followed saw as a clear message from God that they should murder the natives and take their stuff. Ironically, Federation Day coincides with the holiday celebrating one of the most egregious violations of the Prime Directive in history. Yup worse then that thing Captain Janeway did. You know what I'm talking about...
Oh, stop looking so smug,
I'm on to you...
p.s. Ok, ok, the Borg totally had it coming. You win this one Janeway.

No comments:

Post a Comment