Wednesday, August 24, 2016


Airships: The future of yesterday's
technology of tomorrow is here today!
-Hybrid Air Vehicles' slogan
Well that's got to be disappointing. The Airlander 10, a three hundred foot airship built by Hybrid Air Vehicles, ran nose-first into the ground on a test flight in England. Yes, I said airship and I said test flight because apparently there's an effort to make airships a thing again and I'm totally onboard with-sorry, I'm really very sorry about that. I swear that wasn't as a pun. It's not that I'm better than that, it's just that even for a pun, the lowest form of humor, that was pretty weak.

I mean I'm onboard figuratively. Like, with the idea of airships. I wholeheartedly support the idea of soaring through the sky in lighter-than-air craft. In theory. The reality is almost certainly not going to be all that great, but we'll get to that. First of all, planes.
Behold the majestic airship of fiction, held aloft on the wings of adventure
and powered by the magic of imagination and whimsey. Also, helium, I guess.
Yes, jokes about air travel. Because
I'm on the bleeding edge of comedy.
Look, planes are bunk. Apart from the blood-freezing, albeit largely irrational, fear I have of being propelled through the air in a couple hundred tons of metal and plastic, the entire airline industry seems to be going out of its way to dehumanize it's passengers. Want to maintain circulation in your lower extremities? That'll be another $60-$100 for an extra three inches of leg room. Hungry? Fuck you, here's some stale cookies. Bathroom? A vertical coffin with a toilet. Oh and yes you will be seated next to some guy called Dennis from Buffalo who totally wants to talk. About politics.

Jokes about air travel and 80's movie
references. Again, bleeding edge. Me.
Yeah, that happened to me last time I flew. I sure as shit don't care about Dennis from Buffalo's feelings on constitutional originalism, but that didn't stop him from expounding upon the subject at length. If I'd been on an airship, I could have politely excused myself and wandered over to the piano bar and had a martini or something or, better yet, I could have punched him in the face, thrown him overboard and then told the stunned onlookers that he didn't have a ticket.

"Oh for chrissakes, that one time..."
-Dirigible fans
Where was I? Oh, right, the ignominious face plant Airlander 10 did today. There were no injuries, which is great because it means it's ok to make fun, of this but I suspect that today's crash is a set back for an industry famous for fiery explosions. Yeah, ok, so the Hindenburg was filled with hydrogen which is like super-flammable and that's why oh the humanity but it's all the Nazis could get their hands on. The U.S. controlled the world's supply of helium, and they had to go with gas B. When you think about it, in many ways the Hindenburg was our fault. But on the other hand, Nazis.

Anyway, today's aeronautical pratfall not withstanding, 21st century airships will be way the hell safer than the ones the hydrogen-filled deathtraps of yesteryear. Of course they still top out at like 80 miles per hour, so their impeccable safety record will have more to do with nobody bothering with them rather than how prone to explosions they're not.
Above: the ambitiously named Airlander 10 plunging majestically into the English countryside. You'll note
that it's neither in the air nor can what it's doing be called landing. It might be time for some rebranding.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Today in smug tweets...

Guess who's tweeting smugly over trans kids not being able to use the proper bathroom in school. Give up? Why it's Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton!
Yeah, I'd never of him either, but there he is
smiling smugly about his victory over school
kids who just want to use the bathroom.
I'm sure in Ken's mind he's a goddamn
hero, but to me is just some jerk
 freaking out over bathroom signs.
Here's what he had to say on Twitter:

"We are pleased that the court ruled against the Obama Administration's latest illegal federal overreach. This President is attempting to rewrite the laws enacted by the elected representatives of the people, and is threatening to take away federal funding from schools to force them to conform. That cannot be allowed to continue, which is why we took action to protect States and School District, who are charged under state law to establish a safe and disciplined environment conductive to student learning."

-Texas AG, Ken Paxton, giving his

The ruling he's referring to is from a district court judge who issued an injunction on Sunday that says schools can ignore the White House's advisory about letting transgender students use the bathroom appropriate to their gender rather than their biological sex at birth. Texas and a number of other states are suing the Federal Government over the administration's interpretation of Title IX. Title IX says that schools can't discriminate on the basis of sex and still receive Federal funding. The lawsuit contends that 'sex' means biological sex and not gender identity.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, nobody's discriminating here. We just don't think
the Federal Government has any business interfering with the State's sovereign
right to discriminate against trans people. Huh? No, I can't hear myself speak.
In the 70's things were a little more black
and white. John Travolta, for example,
was legally female because of his haircut.
Which, I don't know, maybe they're technically correct. Maybe when Title IX was signed into law, sex meant male or female and that's it. But what I want to know is so what? I'm not like, conceding the point here, but Title XI was written in 1972 and gender identity wasn't on anyone's radar. People didn't really think in those terms, they were too busy with, I don't know, coke. And there were certainly trans people, I mean they weren't invented in 1996, there just wasn't any advocacy in the 70's. If there had been, the law would have certainly been more inclusive. But does anyone really doubt the intent here? Sex, in this context, includes gender identity because of course it does. It kind of sounds like the states bringing the suit are just looking for an opening; a way to be dicks to transgender people.

Ok, that's probably not true. Probably. At least, I'd like to think it's not. But even if this is, as Paxton tweets, about government overreach, do you think he could, I don't know, pick his battles? Because right now he's going to bat for a State's rights to pick on trans kids and I'd imagine they've got enough bullshit to deal with at school without district courts chiming in on their bathroom assignments.
Because there is nothing in the world more important for the court to do with it's
time than to referee the State of Texas's tantrum over grade school bathroom policy.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Keep your fingers crossed for a Porygon...

Eww...gross. And by 'ew...gross,' I'm referring to the prospect of our next President being a short-tempered former gameshow host who and I don't think I'm alone in suspecting this, may be an elaborate prank. But to be clear, I'm not saying 'ew...gross' because someone's putting up a bunch of nude Donald Trump statues.
So either there's a Porygon hiding down there of the passers
by are way too interested in getting closeups of his junk.
Just because you're an indy anarchist
artist collective doesn't mean
you don't need good branding...
The statues, in New York, Seattle, Los Angeles, D.C., San Francisco and Cleveland are of a naked and angry-looking Trump with flabby, mottled skin, veins and because satire is alive in America, a micropenis. They were built and set up by an artist collective called INDECLINE. The project is called The Emperor Has No Balls and if you're interested you can watch a video of one being built on their website, all set to music and sound bites of some of the horseshit that routinely dribbles from his mouth. Interestingly you can also pick up some fine INDECLINE merchandise in their online store. Anyway, I'm a little conflicted about this. The statue thing, not the merchandising...although I guess that feels a little off to me too now that I think about it.

Parks Commissioner Mitchell J. Silver
invited everyone to try the waiters and to tip
the veal before concluding the press briefing.
But before we get into that, there's this. Go ahead, click on it. No seriously. Well? No? Fine, I'm sum up: the New York Parks Department took down and destroyed that city's Trump statue because, well I guess you can't just go around putting up statues like you own the place. But the best part is that they released a statement saying: 

"NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small."

-the NYC Parks Department, winner of the 
2016 Best Municipal Press Release Award 
for excellence in departmental press releases 

Wait, is our culture Mean Girls?
Like before Lindsay Lohan
shows them the error of their ways?
Get it? Because erection? Ok, look, I know this is Donald Trump and he is, objectively speaking, the living, bloviating embodiment of everything wrong with America. And yeah, as far as I'm concerned it's open season. That said, how is this not body shaming? I don't mean to suggest that Trump has anything analogous to the human emotion known as shame, but I kind of feel like the statue in depicting an overweight, bemicropenised Trump, albeit cartoonishly, is equating physical attributes with negative personality traits.

Which, well, we do that all the time, but shouldn't we not? Again, I'm not leaping to the defense of America's favorite orange racist. He is himself a font of misogyny and intolerance, but I guess what's not sitting well with me about The Emperor Has No Balls, is that it feels a little like they're stooping. I get that caricature is a time honored way to criticize public figures, but they're calling him out for being physically unattractive when there are so many reasons to call him ugly on the inside.
"We believe that the voters have a right to know how big our art
collective thinks Trump's penis is. Spoiler alert: it's comically small."

-An INDECLINE spokesperson, 
whom I have made up

Monday, August 15, 2016

...and then there's Pat McCrory logic.

"I don't think that's a fair characterization.
The ID law isn't a load of racist horseshit.
A dollop maybe, a pile at best, but not a load."
Governor Pat McCrory is asking the Supreme Court to reinstate North Carolina's voter ID law. You know, the one a lower court recently threw it out for being a load of racist horseshit? So like, what his rational?

"Allowing the 4th Circuit's ruling to stand creates confusion among voters and poll workers and it disregards our successful rollout of Voter ID in the 2016 primary elections."

-Pat McCrory, hoping we're all idiots

"No, no photo ID necessary."
-There, fucking done,
what's the problem?

Wait a minute, confusion among poll workers? He doesn't think that over the next three months, between now and election day, poll workers will not be able to grasp the blindingly simple concept that they don't have to ask for photo ID? If that's too much for them I'd say the problem isn't voter fraud but volunteer stupidity. Are they getting cactuses to run the polling stations? Like, actual cactuses? Because then I could see their point. But only if North Carolina's polls were run by literal cactuses. To be clear, he's asking to disenfranchise millions of voters to combat voter fraud which is not actually a problem anywhere but in Pat McCrory's head.

There's logic and then
there's Pat Mccrory logic.
If this carpet bomb approach to solving nonexistent problems sounds familiar, there's a reason for that. You might recall that McCrory is currently suing the Federal government to defend HB2, the super discriminatory bathroom bill that forces trans people to use the wrong bathrooms because someone, somewhere might someday abuse transgender protections to watch women pee. Holy shit. So to sum up, the solution to creepers in public restrooms is to discriminate against trans people and the solution to voter fraud is mass disenfranchisement. Meanwhile the solution to gun violence, which is an actually thing that happens, is lax open carry laws and gun show loopholes.

Hey, you don't suppose this Voter ID has anything to do with the fact that minority voters tend to vote Democrat do you? And that he's hoping that with his party in rapid decline thanks not only to the absurd irrationality of Donald Trump but the general trajectory of incompetence the GOP had been on for years now, that maybe he can still win this one for the Gipper?
I don't want to tell the North Carolina GOP how to do their job,
but maybe they'd have an easier time courting minority voters
if they'd stop trying to purge them from the election rolls?

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Today in gouging...

Ok, look, I think it's awesome that people are suddenly interested going to see plays. You might not know this about me, but I enjoy theatre. In fact, my major in college was theatre which is why I'm so employable now.
Cashier, barista, dog and/or house sitter. Yup,
there's nothing you can't do with a degree
in theatre. Except maybe work in a theatre...
"Yes, the final one...until I need to
reno my kitchen. Then, who knows?"
That said, holy shit what's wrong with you? Well, not you as in the person reading this. I have no particular beef with you. It's more of a general 'you.' The 'you' that's spending £8,372 on a ticket, which might be you, I really don't know. Anyway you might not be impressed by that figure because it's in pounds. In American money it's something like $10,815. Yeah, ten thousand dollars. Of money. For a ticket. To see a play. Ok, so it's Harry Potter and the Cursed Child and supposedly the last Harry Potter story forever and ever, but still.

Of course that's not the face value of the ticket because while Potter fans can be just as batshit crazy as Trekkies or Bronies, and sometimes even play a real-life version of Quidditch with actual brooms between their legs, they're not made of Galleons.
Wait a minute, physical activity? Outdoors?
And the sure these are fans of fantasy novels?
Get your mind out of the gutter...I'm
kidding, you know exactly what I meant.

Instead, that objectively ridiculous sum is what tickets are going for online. Ok, so if you go on Viagogo and Stubhub right now, you'll see that $10,000 is an outlier, but there's a mark up of $100-$1,100 on every performance for the next couple of months. Buying them directly from the theatre is like $180, but it's throughly sold out for the foreseeable, so if you want to see the see the show at all you'll want to break out the Vaseline. Huh? What do you mean what for? Because you'll be paying through the nose and should lubricate your nostrils...why, what did you think I meant?

Donate to PBS: it's a great, tax
deductible way to let everyone
know you're better than them.
Yeah, ok, so Harry Potter and the Cursed Whatever is a multi-million dollar production with backers and name recognition and it will make incomprehensible sums of money for everyone involved and as long as asses are in seats, who cares? Everybody who would like to see theatre continue as an art form, that's who. Theatre's already fighting an uphill battle against cheaper, less smarmy forms of entertainment like Netflix and pretending to catch Pokémon. When resellers artificially inflate ticket prices, it puts super-popular shows like Harry Potter and Hamilton forever out-of-reach for most people and reinforces the notion that going to see a play is something for people who donate to PBS and only read biographies.

"Sorry kid, your ticket's no good.
But on
 up-side you now stand a better
chance of reaching adulthood."

-Willy Wonka, deleted scene
The Palace Theatre in London, where both parts of the Harry Potter are playing is cracking down on ticket resellers and that's cool, they totally should be but the people buying tickets through Stubhub or whatever aren't out to rip anyone off, they're just trying to get tickets to a sold out show. If someone shows up ticket bough online, there's a decent chance they won't let them in, thus putting another layer of alienation between the public and the theatre. Either way, everyone looses. Well, you know, except the scalpers.

Yeah, yeah, the concept of scarcity is at the heart of our free market system. I get it. Still, it just seems wrong that instead of your money going to the artists, performers, technicians and staff of the theatre that actually create a show, it's going to some asshole who bought up a bunch of tickets so they can re-sell them. In fact, they're probably doing better on a single performance than anyone actually working on it and in addition to just plain sucking, it's also kind of killing theatre.
"Yes, they spent months writing, directing, designing and rehearsing a production.
But I, as a reseller had to go online and buy tickets and then sell them at a massive
profit. So I ask you, who's the areal artist here? Me. The answer is me. I'm the artist."

-Some asshole

Friday, August 12, 2016

No Cannes do!

Think of it as a bouillabaisse
of bigotry and intolerance.
(source: French stereotypes)
First of all, let me say that I think that burqini, a mash-up of burka and burqini, is a ridiculous word. That said, the Mayor of Cannes is being an a tremendous ass-chapeau by banning them from the city's beaches. Huh? Yeah, Cannes as in the film festival that hands out the Palm d'Or award for movies you know you're supposed to like, but probably won't. So now they're known for pretentious movies and simmering racism. Well, islamophobia, but there's probably some racist overtones as well but we'll get to that.

Ok, so what the hell is a burqini? It's basically a full body bathing suit for Muslim women. There's a strong modesty component for a lot of Islamic cultures which, as you can imagine doesn't usually jibe with beachwear, particularly in France, hence the burqini. Ok, cool, so what's Mayor David Lisnard's boeuf? Spoiler alert? It's terrorism.
"Ze Burqini's, zey are, how you say, a little terroriste-esque? Non?"
-David Lisnard, Mayor of Cannes

Surfing nun or suicide bomber? Fortunately
the people of Cannes won't have to guess.
"Beachwear which ostentatiously displays religious affiliation, when France and places of worship are currently the target of terrorist attacks, is liable to create risks of disrupting public order." 

What's ostentation when it comes to religious beachwear? And what the shit is religious beachwear? Like swim briefs with 'Jesus' written on the butt? Or is that ok because no one has ever committed acts of violence on behalf of Christianity? Whatever, I guess if there's one thing you want in a public ordinance it's vague wording. 

"Actually, they have zee little skirts,
so zey are totally dífferént, non?"

-Lisnard, Frenchsplaining
I'm not sure the burqini is, in and of itself, a religious garment, but here we are. Oh, and just so we don't think this is total knee-jerk islamophobia, keep in mind that he's banning the burkini not because he thinks all Muslims are terrorists, but because other people might think they are and start some shit. If that logic sounds disturbingly close to victim-blaming, that's just because it's disturbingly close to victim blaming. Also critics have pointed out that a burkini is essentially identical to a wetsuit, so I'm not sure how this isn't just a new way to call Muslims terrorists. 

Above: Mayor Lisnard's official portrait.
(source: additional French jokes) 
So a good question would be how can Lisnard even justify this absurdly arbitrary rule. Here's what he told a french newspaper. I used a translation site, but I think the douchiness comes through:

"I have neither the time nor the inclination to argue. I took this measure and others to ensure the safety of my town in an emergency situation."

-Mayor Lisnard, playing
the 'l'etat chest moi' card

What? I'm repurposing negative
stereotypes for a good cause. Also,
just look at this guy. Right?
Anyway, violating the ban carries a fine of €38 and probably a lot of police questioning by mustached men with snobby attitudes who reek of Gauloises. Ok, you probably noticed that I'm dropping a lot of French stereotypes into this one. It's true, and I totally don't feel bad about it because Lisnard's Cannes buqini-ban is based on a codified stereotype and that's bullshit. Whatever you or I or David Lisnard might think of Islamic modesty rules actually counts for jack shit. A bathing suit isn't a 'symbol of islamic extremism' as he so Trumply suggests, it's just a ridiculously named wetsuit with a built-in skirt that Muslim women can wear in order to enjoy some fun in the sun without violating their personal beliefs. And if the Mayor of Cannes doesn't like it, he can choke on his croissant. And I mean that figuratively. I'm not a monster.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Has he never seen Becket?

"Oh no he d'in't!"
-The guy on the right
Um...I, uh...really? Because, Je-sus, that totally sounds like a death threat. Yeah, check this shit out:

"Hillary wants to abolish, essentially abolish the second amendment, and by the way if she gets to pick, if she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do folks. Although the second amendment people, maybe there is? I don't know..."

-Donald Trump at a campaign rally

Pictured: Peter Miller, spin wizard,
weaving a fantastical spell of bullshit
and ridiculous nonsense. 
So obviously his campaign is going spin some balderdash about how this is just the liberal media or whatever deliberately misinterpreting his words. Behold this spin wizardry:

"It's called the power of unification-second amendment people have amazing spirit and are tremendously unified, which gives them great political power."

-Trump spokesperson Peter Miller,
on how we're all idiots

Uh, so he's saying that when Trump said there was maybe something 'second amendment people' could do about Hillary Clinton, he wasn't making a mafia-boss style threat but rather referring to the amazing spirit and unity of gun enthusiasts? Ok, but doesn't that unity kind of come from their shared interest in firearms? 
"This is one of our most popular rifles. It fires 40 rounds of amazing spirit
per minute and is perfectly balanced for maximum political power."

"Jesus, I'm starving. Will no one bring
me a sandwich? What, too soon?"
-Henry II (source: history)
Look, I don't think that Donald Trump literally wants Hillary Clinton dead. I think he's an irrational, reckless, blowhard that thinks assassination jokes are hilarious, but holy shit, has he never seen Becket? It's a movie about King Henry II and his friend turned political rival Thomas Becket. Henry appoints Becket as the new Archbishop thinking he'll be a total puppet, but Becket goes all Catholic on him and conflict ensues. One night in a fit of frustration Henry is all 'Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?' And blamo, some of his knights up and murdered the hell out of Becket.

What does any of this have to do with Donald Trump? Not much except that sometimes when you say stupid shit like 'hey, wouldn't it be great if someone did something about my political enemy,' there's a decent chance that someone might take that as an invitation. Especially when you're Donald Trump and your base is well, you know...
Unhinged isn't really a kind thing to say, so I'm going to go with rabid-foam
 conservatives with persecution complexes and a penchant for assault riles.

Monday, August 8, 2016

What's Japanese for 'Quiiiiteeerr!'?

So what's up with the Emperor of Japan? And furthermore, did you know that Japan still has an Emperor? I know, right? Anyway, check it out. Emperor Akihito went on Japanese TV today to talk about how he's getting up there in years and he'd sure like to retire soon and what's wrong with teenagers these days?
"What with the rap music and wearing their dungarees too low.
It's disrespectful if you ask me. And all that swearing?"
-Emperor Akihito, just so
over the whole Emperor thing
The Japanese Imperial Palace's
gaping chasm is just off the veranda.
Yeah, he wants to retire, which apparently isn't a thing Emperors in Japan are supposed to be able to do under the Japanese constitution. The only way out for him is to die or become seriously incapacitated. Thanks to Japan's healthcare system and the fact that he's the political equivalent of an indoor cat, the Emperor is pretty good shape for an 83 year-old. Also, since the throne room lacks the thousand-story, open chasm typical of most Imperial living spaces, the chances of a disgruntled subordinate chucking him to a fiery doom are on the slim side.

Above: The Emperor of Japan carrying
out his duty as the symbol of the State.
"I am already 80 years old, and fortunately I am now in good health. However, when I consider that my fitness level is gradually declining, I am worried that it may become difficult for me to carry out my duties as the symbol of the State with my whole being as I have done until now."

-Akihito, on not being able to keep up with
all his Emperor duties, like, uh...waving?
sorry to be a jerk, but what does he do?

Pictured: Prince Chalres and his mother
the Queen know, I'm not sure I
like the way he's looking at her...
According to my exhaustive research of Wikipedia, historically the Japanese Emperor has been anything from 'a living god' to 'the shogun's puppet,' but after the 1947 constitution, they're been figureheads whose jobs include opening the Diet (it's their Parliament), shaking hands with foreign diplomats, and the aforementioned waving. The problem is that there's no abdication option and since the Emperor is supposed to be a-political, the best he can do is go on TV sand say 'wouldn't it be swell if I could retire?' and hope to hell that the Prime Minister does something about it.

Holy shit, Japan has right-wing lunatics too
In a weird way, I'm glad it's not just us.
Legally, the Diet can vote to change the rules although it would take a couple of years. On the upside, polls show that people in Japan overwhelmingly support changing the constitution so that the Emperor can hand it over to the next in line, but according to the Japan Times, many right-wing nationalist groups oppose any change to the constitution. And really, since when has listening to nationalists ever turned out badly for Japan? Oh, right, well except for that one time.

 Well, I suppose Japan's Emperor
isn't linked to diabetes, but other
 than that, what's the difference?
Ok, as a non-Japanese person, I have exactly zero stake in how they run their archipelago but as an American, I'm going to go ahead and chime in anyway. Japan is a modern country with bullet trains and video games about magical monster cock-fights (Pokémon, what did you think I meant?), so it's kind of weird that they still have this relic of feudalism cluttering up their political system. But on the other hand, people like traditions and national symbols and that's cool. I mean, we have the Statue of Liberty and I don't know, Coke, while Japan has Godzilla and a waving octogenarian.

Look, the point, if I have one, is that Emperor Akihito has been a living symbol of Japan his entire life and now he just wants to retire and watch TV or drive around in an RV or whatever, so like, why not give the guy a break?
Above: The Imperial Palace in Tokyo. Just look at all
that lawn, telling kids to get off it has to be a full time job.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Because you can't punch the hoodie.

Thanks Germany, great word,
but no, this doesn't make us even.
I'm not saying that anybody deserves to get punched in the face. I'm really not. However, what do you suppose it must have been like to be the 911 dispatcher that got George Zimmerman's 911 call last weekend when he reported that some guy just up and decked him? I'm going to guess that we could describe the emotion she was feeling as, oh what's the word I'm thinking of? I think it's German? Oh, right schadenfreude. You know, it's that feeling you get when you're happy, but you kind of feel a little guilty about it? Guilty-joy. That's it.

Holy shit we could sell tickets. Punch
George Zimmerman, line forms to the left.
Speaking of guilty, yeah, George Zimmerman got punched in the face on Sunday at Gators Riverside Grille in Sanford Florida-oh yes, the same town where back in 2012 Zimmerman shot 17-year-old Treyvon Martin. Zimmerman still lives there, but we'll get to that. Anyway, according to Zimmerman, he was just innocently explaining to some people at the restaurant that he shot an unarmed teenager in self-defense, when some rando came up and punched him and called him names. Can you believe it? You can? Yeah, me too. Again, while I don't condone face-punching for any reason, c'mon, it'd feel pretty good, right?

Hey remember when Geraldo blamed
Treyvon Martin's hoodie
for the murder?
So why hasn't someone punched him yet?
So while Zimmerman insists that he was just recognized from the news, other eyewitness said he was bragging about that time he got away with murder which doesn't sound super-unlikely given his history of bragging about that time he got away with murder. I mean, he did auction off the gun he used which isn't the kind of thing you do when you're contrite or remorseful, so I think the real question is what in the name of fuck is he still doing in Sanford Florida, much less regaling the locals with stories of his heroic exploits?

Like seriously, I know I don't always put a lot of faith in the State of Florida. I mean, it is objectively the worst state, but if this asshole keeps bragging about killing Martin the locals are going to put an angry mob together and go after him and nobody wants theory. So why doesn't he leave? Change his name, grow a mustache and leave. Forever.
Look, sooner or later we're going to need to see if people
can survive on Mars
so I'm saying, why waste an astronaut?  

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

This is why nobody likes you, Fabian.

Yes, this bullshit again. Remember when the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Gloucester County, Virginia School District should put on their grown-up pants and stop freaking out about transgender students using their preferred bathrooms? You do? Great. Because today the Supreme Court put that ruling on hold.
"My these are grown-up! I suddenly feel like I should stop
throwing an ignorant tantrum about which bathroom transgender 

people should use and just try being a decent human being."
-Not the Gloucester Country School District
Above: The Gloucester County School Board
deciding that high school isn't humiliating
enough, and that something must be done.
This particular case started when Gavin Grimm, an excellently named high school student (and probable sorcerer), sued the school board because they decided that he could no longer use the boy's bathroom. School administrators had been allowing Grimm, who was born biologically female, to use boy's room until the board stepped in with their new policy which I can only imagine must have felt like it was aimed directly at him. The case went to the Fourth Circuit Court where it was thrown out but then the Board one-upped Grimm by going to the Supreme Court because holy shit they like to win.

Are you sure you still want to hold
for the next President? Because neither
option seems like a win for you guys. 
But hold on, you say, the court has been sort of divided along conservative/liberal lines ever since Antonin Scalia died? How come this is still a thing? Ok, firstly, settle down. Secondly, get this, the usually liberal Justice Stephen Breyer voted for the hold despite it being a judicial shit sandwich 'as a courtesy'. To, whom? I don't know, whomever they eventually get to fill Scalia's seat. Which I guess probably isn't going to happen anytime soon since Republicans are still, yes still stomping their feet and insisting that we should let the next President nominate someone.

Pictured: The divine wrath that didn't
follow marriage equality. So can we say
'we goddamn told ya so,' or is that rude?
Does all this sound kind of familiar? The school district asking the court to block a Federal Judge's order while it mounts an appeal? Remember when opponents of same-sex marriage pulled this back when we were still arguing about that. Anytime a judge ruled that same-sex couples could get married, some asshole with a legal fund would step in and get the ruling put on hold to give them more time to come up with Bible verses about how much God hates gay people. This sucked because people were trying to plan their weddings and book venues and figure out seating for their reception while judges kept hearing appeals that cited Leviticus as legal precedent.

"Fabian? Ugh...I fucking hate that guy..."
-Hannibal circa 217 B.C.
I'm not like a historian or anything, but I think this is what they would call a Fabian strategy. It's named after a Roman General called Quintus Fabians Maximus who, in addition to having a preposterous name, was also famous for retreating right before a battle and forcing his opponent to follow him. Then, when they caught up with him, Fabian would do it again, and again thus exhausting and annoying the shit out of his enemies. It worked for Fabian, but this is the 21st century and we don't play.

Marriage equality is a fact now and I suspect so too will be the right to use the bathroom appropriate to one's gender identity. The kick in the teeth however is that in the mean time students in the Gloucester, Virginia school district who have to pee will now have to wait for the courts to figure out where they can do it. So, take your time guys...
"I'm sorry, but you'll just have to hold it until congressional Republicans
agree to hold hearings on a new Supreme Court Justice. Huh? Well,
you should have thought of that before they threatened to filibuster."