Thursday, September 27, 2012

...and shove it they did.

Congratulations narrow majority of Republican voters in Saratoga County, NY, you are what's wrong with the GOP and politics in general. Give yourselves a round of applause.
"Yay us! We're terrible people!"
"Deep down Mr. McDonald knows
he deserves to be punished."

-Kathy Marchione*
Yup, state senator Roy McDonald, who last year crossed party lines and voted in favor of marriage equality, has lost the Republican primary. He was defeated by Saratoga County Clerk and winner of the 2010 43rd District's Woman of Distinction award, Kathy Marchione. Here's a video from her website. It's a clip of Roy McDonald telling everyone why he selected her for the aforementioned 2010 43rd District's Woman of Distinction award. Yes, that 2010 43rd District's Woman of Distinction award. Yes that Roy McDonald. The same guy she'd challenge and defeat two years later for having the temerity to say gay people deserve equal rights.

Pictured: Roy McDonald, fucking it.
Sure, maybe I'm being harsh when I call her a backstabbing tool of Republican pandering-what? Didn't I? Well, her campaign did hinge on McDonald's support of a bill to end discrimination...that and McDonald's response to critics:

"You might not like that...Well, fuck it. I don't care what you think, I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm tired of Republican-Democrat politics. They can take this job and shove it..."

-Senator Roy McDonald

Her campaign called his remarks arrogant. I call them telling it like it is. I don't for a minute believe that voters turned on McDonald because they didn't like his tone. I do believe they turned on him because they think gay people are gross and should be treated like second-class citizens. So really, they can shove it. They can all shove it.
Kathy Marchione (center) and her fellow Saratoga County
Republicans are warmly invited to shove it.

*What? She looks like Delores Umbridge...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Resolved: Whereas Stephen Fincher is a jerk;

Church Vs. State: Solved.
Thanks Rep. Stephen Fincher!
Rep. Stephen Fincher, a Republican from Tennessee recently introduced a piece of legislation in the House "Reaffirming the importance of religion in the lives of the United States citizens and the freedom to exercise those beliefs peacefully." That's right everybody, the centuries old conflict between church and state in America has finally been solved and it turns out the answer all along has been 'because Jesus.' Suck on that, atheists, you're in God's country now.

October 9th, by the way, I hope you
sent out your Leif Erickson cards...

I kid, Fincher's bill is actually a non-binding, symbolic resolution with the same force of law as Leif Erickson Day. It's designed to remind everyone that we don't live in the bleak, godless dystopia Fox News made up to scare old people into voting Republican. So what's the point? Why waste everyone's valuable time voting on a resolution that boils down to pointing out that lots of Americans have religious beliefs?

Whereas a second term for
Obama will make Jesus cry;

Well, this may surprise you, but it's possible that Fincher's bill is politically motivated. Here's some of the text of the legislation:

"Whereas the first act of Congress in 1774 was a prayer, and Congress still begins its daily sessions with prayer today;
Whereas every President in United States history has recognized God and religious faith in the public life of the Nation;
Whereas the phrase 'In God We Trust' became the national motto in 1956 and is prominently displayed in both the United States House and Senate chambers;"

My favorite part is where it points out that 'the Bible is the best-selling book of all time.' Like if the next Hunger Games book sells enough copies, we'll have to start building Thunderdomes for kids.
You know, a Thunderdome for kids would cut down on the
amount of iCarly episodes I'd have to endure while babysitting...
All praise the non-specific, all-powerful
entity that may, or may not exist! 

Overall, pretty innocuous, right? Sure, if you believe at all in the separation of church and state, this resolution is a list of things we need to be more careful about, but whatever, people have been shoehorning religion into politics forever, no big deal. Besides, in this context God could be anything: Jesus, Allah, The Force, maybe even a non-literal shorthand for people doing good things for the betterment of all. Maybe we could all just cool our jets and stop being so sensitive right? Nope. Check out this part towards the end:

And by Judeo-Christian they really
just mean Christian, sorry Rabbi...

Resolved, That The House of Representatives--

...recognizes that Judeo-Christian heritage has played a strong role in the development of the United States and in the lives of many of the Nations citizens;

...rejects efforts to remove evidence of Judeo-Christian heritage and references to God from public structures and resources;

Yup. There it is. There's the part that takes this from a general recognition that Americans can find common ground in their freedom to believe or not to believe and makes it another politicized litany of reasons why the United States is actually a Christian theocracy and anyone who doesn't agree should move to Canada. Thanks Representative Stephen Fincher, you're part of the problem.
Common ground? People working together? Pssschtt...sounds pretty gay.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Being Greenday means never having to say you're sorry.

No Helen, I will not think of the
children. They're on their own.
So Billie Joe Armstrong from Greenday flipped out onstage the other day at the iHeartRadio Festival in Las Vegas. Nothing too bad, he just smashed his guitar, flipped off the camera and ranted a bit, it's what rockstars do. It's what makes them more interesting than the rest of us. Anyway, here's what he said, and if you have delicate sensibilities that are harmed by words they don't use on the CW, don't read any further. I had to watch the actual clip to get the whole thing because every website that quoted him kept spelling 'fuck' with dashes or asterisks. F-ck isn't a word, it's just not.

At 40, Billie Joe Armstrong proves
you're never too old to wear eyeliner. 
"Oh, fuck this shit. I'm gonna play a fucking new song...Give me a fucking break. One minute left. One minute fucking left. You're gonna give me one fucking minute? Look at that fucking sign right there: one minute. Let me fucking tell you something, let me tell you something, I've been around since 198-fucking-8, and you're gonna give me one fucking minute? You've gotta be fucking kidding me! You're fucking kidding me. What the fuck! I'm not fucking Justin Bieber, you motherfuckers. You've gotta be fucking joking this is a fucking joke..." 

"...I got one minute, one minute left. Oh, now I got nothing left, now I got nothing left. Let me show you what one fucking minute means. <smashes guitar> One minute. God fucking love you all. We'll be back."
Above: Some jackass telling the band to finish up.
Also, it's a video screen, could they really not loose the 's' on minutes?
Sorry Rihanna fans, I apologize.
it really is a lyrically complex
 song...about rain gear.
So the festival's promoters shortened Greenday's set in order to give Usher and Rihanna more time and Bille Joe was indicating that he was unhappy with this arrangement. Fair enough. That does kind of suck. The band has since issued an apology to Clear Channel and the audience at the iHeartRadio Festival, and Billie Joe Armstrong has checked himself into rehab. Yes, rehab. I know he's had some drug issues before, but he was getting shoved offstage so Rihanna could sing that damn Umbrella song for the 5 millionth time, the fact that this pissed him off doesn't mean he was on drugs (there's a decent chance he was, but the two aren't necessarily related).

Sure, I don't know the whole story and am really not in any position to comment on this guy's rehab, but like anyone with access to a blog, I feel the need to weigh in on things I have no stake in and only the sketchiest information about. It's what the internet is for (apologies to porn and photos of cats who can't spell).

In other news: Canada and the UK to open combined diplomatic missions overseas.
I don't understand it, it doesn't affect my life in any way but by god, I have a strong opinion aboot it.
Never, never apologize
to these people.

Look, I know it's probably like a smart business move to say 'Hey, sorry for the profanity laden rant,' but to have to apologize to Clear Channel? For real? This is the company responsible for broadcasting Fox News Radio. Clear Channel should be apologizing to us. And when you think about it, Greenday has been around since 198-fucking-8 and Billie Joe Armstrong is not fucking Justin Bieber (that we know of) so nothing he said was untrue, yet the band still had to apologize to a company that gives Glenn Beck a platform for his crazy. Bullshit I say.

Taste the beefy rainbow!

Have you puked today? No? Well get ready. With corn crops severely damaged by drought, cattle ranchers are looking for alternative feeds. The answer? Candy! Apparently the starch and sugar provided by corn can be substituted with cheaper alternatives like ice cream sprinkles, "...cottonseed hulls, rice products, potato products [and] peanut pellet." Oh yeah and ethanol byproduct. Mmm... rich, creamy ethanol byproduct...
The move comes as welcome news for the millions of
Americans who aren't getting enough Skittles in their diet. 
Yeah, it shouldn't come out chocolate...
Gross right? I assume...I mean it sounds gross. I'm not like a nutritionist or anything, but I can't imagine it's good for the cows or us. I was a vegetarian for a couple of years and this kind of makes me want to go back. Why'd I stop in the first place? Well, like all vegetarians I enjoyed the feeling of moral superiority, but on the downside I was very, very hungry most of the time. In fairness to the vegetarian lifestyle, I wasn't really doing it right. Man can not live on tempeh alone. Anyway, the idea of cows being fed a steady diet of Twizzlers and ethanol seems both cruel and stomach churning and might be enough to push me back into the shaky, protein-starved embrace of vegetarianism.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Rogue Squadron!

Above: The 'book' Palin
'wrote' a few years ago.
Hey, do you remember Tina Fey's hilarious SNL character, Sarah Palin? Did you know that she was based on a 'real' person? You know, real in the sense that she exists. As John McCain's running mate, Palin brought an illiterate folksy charm to the campaign and provided us all with hours of entertainment. Well she's back and opening her baby seal-meat-hole about this year's election cycle, suggesting that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan need to 'go rogue' and let us ignorant masses know just how terrible things have gotten under Barack Obama's disastrous administration. I wasn't quite clear on how the word 'rogue' applied so I looked it up and it turns out that she might be on to something.

So like, did anyone in the GOP back in 2008 even bother to look up her catch phrase?
Above: Blade Orcsbane, R. Rep.
from Kansas and level 9 Rogue.

Yup, if there's one thing the Republican candidates need it's to be more dishonest and knavish. And I suppose it also couldn't hurt to be a playfully mischievous and inferior elephant-tramp. Man, that Sarah Palin really knows how to win an election. Romney and Ryan would do well to heed her advice. But this font of ingenious political acumen knows no bounds, here's another useful tidbit from that snow-machine riding GOP Wampa:

"America desperately needs to have a 'come to Jesus' moment in discussing our big, dysfunctional, disconnected and dept-ridden federal government,"
-Sarah Palin, former Governor and Russia Spotter
"Listen kid, I'd love to help you out, really I would, but I'll need to see some proof of insurance
-what's that? You don't have any? Looking for a handout, huh? You just thought the government would
take care of everything, huh? Does this look like France to you? Pffft...bunch of dead beat socialists..."

Of course it would help if this
guy kept his mouth shut.

Now, I know what your thinking: with this kind of help, how is it possible that Mitt Romney isn't enjoying a massive 10 point lead in the polls? I mean, after all, of the two major party candidates Mitt Romney is by far the richest and whitest. What's the problem? Is it the liberal media bias? Anit-Morman prejudice? The fact that almost half of the country is a bunch of whiney mooches? The answer of course, is yes: all of these factors are conspiring to keep the eminently qualified and perfectly quaffed Romney from his proper place in history, but don't worry true believers, there's hope. Dishonest and knavish hope.

Youthful optimism? Wide-eyed hope
for the future? Can't have that...
The GOP, in an effort aimed at fighting the 1's of cases of voter fraud that happen every never have been passing new voter ID laws in a number of states. What's that? But not everyone has a photo ID that meets the new qualifications! You say? Yeah. How 'bout that? Students will be especially hard hit since several new bills disallow student ID's and student housing forms as forms of valid identification. But college students were a major force in the President's election in '08! Gee what a coincidence.

It's almost like the GOP isn't so much fighting an imagined epidemic of voter fraud as they are executing a mass voter purge designed to ensure an electoral college victory. Oh those lovable rogues, what will they think of next?
Well, you know what they say: If you can't beat'em, disenfranchise their base and seize power.

*What the hell right? Jesus can say whatever you want him to say.

Monday, September 17, 2012

What's up with Europeans?

"Zat's eet Kate, take eet off, Jean-Paul
has etudent loans to pay..."

-Typical French journalist
So I'm a little conflicted about this whole Kate Middleton thing. On the one hand, she's only famous because she married a dude whose greatest accomplishment is being the grandson of a woman who was crowned the Queen of England in recognition of her stunning achievement of being born (got all that?) and now she'll spend the rest of her life living in a palace and waving at the rest of us losers. On the other hand, some heavy breather with a telephoto lens lurking in a hedge snapped pictures of her sunbathing and sold them to a magazine and that's not cool.

The French tabloid Closer published the photos because, you know, they're douche bags (which is somewhat less insulting in French because 'douche' just means 'shower') and now they're all over the internet. There's even an Italian magazine that's going to devote a 26 page special to the pics. 26 pages, and she only has the two breasts (that we know of).
What else could she be hiding?
"Kate Middleton's breasts:
the people have a right to know."

-Closer Magazine
So what is up with Europe? I thought they were all well adjusted and blasé about the human body. Italy and France are practically pants-optional, so why is everyone scrambling to be the first to publish blurry photos of Royal jubblies? I guess it would be news if her breasts were selling state secrets, but that's not super-likely. All that's going on here is a Duchess wanted to avoid tan lines and relied on the remoteness of her chateau and common human decency to protect her privacy. Congratulations Closer, you actually made us feel sorry for a woman with chateau access.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Happy 5773!

Happy 5773 everybody! No, I'm not drunk (well, not in any serious way), it's just that sundown tonight marks the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.
The 58th Century? You're soaking in it!
Nice calendar, idiot...
So if it's 5773, shouldn't we be flying around in hover cars or trying to outrun net-wielding super-intelligent apes? No, of course not, that's crazy talk. It's not actually the future, the Hebrew calendar is just different from the one we're all used to. It's based on the phases of the moon and begins more or less with 'let there be light.' Also, since the lunar year is slightly different from the solar year, leap months have to be added seven times in a span of nineteen years in order to keep the months and seasons in line. If that sounds insane to you, just keep in mind that the standard calendar we all use had to be completely rebooted in 1582 because a certain ancient Roman dictator-for-life screwed up the leap years.

Carbon dating of this cake has
proven inconclusive, but delicious.

Speaking of the standard calendar, hope you're not too attached to 2012, because there's some debate as to exactly what year we're living in now. Introduced by Pope Gregory, who was, you know, a Pope, the Gregorian calendar pegs year one as the birth of Jesus. The problem is no one's really sure when (or if) he was actually born. We could be living in 2012, 2017, 2030 or who the crap knows? It looks like time is a really just a completely arbitrary construct, devoid of objective meaning and we are all adrift in a sea of temporal uncertainty. So, uh, Happy New Year!

So what year is it really? Take your pick. It's 1433 on the Islamic Calendar, 2555 in Thailand and we only have about 97 days left until the Mayan calendar rolls over to the next b'ak'tun and nothing at all happens. Oh, and it's also Year of the Dragon because in China a calendar and a See N' Say are the same thing. 5773's looking pretty reasonable now, huh?
"Hey Steve, how's the calendar coming?"
"Ok I guess, hey, if you wanted to keep track of what year it is, what would you use? Numbers or something?"
"Yeah, numbers or maybe a bunch of random animals that repeat every 12 years..."

Thursday, September 13, 2012

No, actually it's nothing like that.

Arizona: The Racial Profiling State
"It's like the judge telling the woman who got raped, 'You asked for it because of the way you dressed' OK? That's the same thing."

Yeah, that's Arizona Senator Jon Kyl bringing to bear the years of diplomatic experience he gained representing a state that will pull you over on suspicion of being the the current situation in the Middle East. 

You're not going out to
build a coalition dressed
like that are you?
Anyway, he and a bunch of other Republicans (including Mitt 'Who Let the Dogs Out?' Romney) have been critical of the U.S. State Department's official response to the recent Mideast violence which they feel was too, you know, diplomatic. Ok, fair enough, every one's got a right to their opinion. Even the White House has been a little hot and cold on the subject. But Kyl's statement contains a pretty subtle analogy that you might have missed, so I'll try to explain it. You see, America is like a rape victim and the judge is the State Department...and I think the last fifty years of U.S. foreign policy is a tube top and those shorts with 'juicy' written across the butt. Anyway, the Senator feels that the State Department's comments didn't include enough phrases like Bring it on! and Don't mess with Texas! and it didn't do nearly enough to incite further mayhem. And you know what? I totally see his point.

Assuming of course that his point is that he's really bad at analogies and that a guy who once made up bullshit statistics on the Senate floor as part of an effort to de-fund Planned Parenthood should really shut the hell up about rape.

Here's an analogy: Jon Kyl talking about the Middle East is like rich
white Republicans chiming in on women's reproductive rights.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Pat Robertson: Marriage Counselor

"Well, you could become a Muslim and then you could beat her."
-Pat Crazy Eyes Robertson
"No, it's ok, we kinda
do hate women."

-Mitt Romney*

I'm not making that up, that shit came out of his mouth. He really and for true said that, and then he and his co-host laughed at his funny, funny joke. For realsies. Check out the clip. Now remind me again, how long did we have to listen to Fox News complain about Jeremiah Wright? I mean, Pat Robertson campaigned for Mitt Romney on Saturday and then on Monday hilariously suggested that a man move to Saudi Arabia and convert to Islam so he can legally beat his wife. Holy shit. If only he could have found a way to insult gay people with that joke, he could have achieved a douchefecta. Look, I'm not suggesting that all Republicans hate women, but the GOP sure doesn't mind courting the misogynist vote. 

Like, seriously, let's talk about 'Michael,' the dude that's writing in to Robertson's show for marital advice. Check out his email, at least I think it's an email. It's possible that Michael doesn't believe in the internet. Or dinosaurs. Or a spherical Earth.
What country would I have to move to in order to
legally beat the shit out of Michael for being a prick?
In Ricky's defense, Lucy
did burn the eggs.
I'm no psychologist, but I suspect that Michael's wife doesn't respect him as the 'head of the house' because we don't live in the 1800's and a good divorce attorney is a google search away. And what's up with Robertson immediately leaping to Michael's defense? He has no information to go on other than Michael's serial killer-esque (can I make that an '-esque?') assertion that she's become a real problem, but that doesn't stop him from coming up with this whole psych profile about how she was a rebellious child whose parents didn't beat her nearly often enough. So, what's a 'head of the house' supposed to do? Just in case you thought maybe Pat was joking, he reiterates his suggestion that Michael move to Saudi Arabia. You know, where they're cool with wife beating. Ha. What a card, that Pat Robertson.

Oh, and Pat's co-host? I'm no expert when it comes to evangelicals, but she herself appears to be a woman. What's up with that?
Above: Terry Meeusen, 700 Club co-host. Like any good baby-machine/food preparer,
Terry knows to keep her eyes respectfully lowered in Robertson's presence or else
risk being sent on 'special assignment' to Saudi Arabia. See what I did there?

*what? He said it with his eyes.

Operators are standing by...if they know what's good for them.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Star 2rek: Heart of Dorkness

Relax, colons are
nothing to be afraid of.
Hold on to your crochet Dalek hats internet, this nerd's about to express a nit-picky opinion about Star Trek. Specifically about the title for the new Star Trek movie. It's just been unofficially announced. Ready? Here it is: Star Trek Into Darkness. Wait, wuh? Yeah. No number, no colon, just Star Trek Into Darkness. Like it's a thing you go do. "Hey Tim, wanna go star trek into some darkness?" Star Trek Into Darkness. Really. Roll it around in your mouth for a minute. Taste that? No, it's not just you, it is kind of terrible, like objectively terrible. It's a terrible title, there's just no way around it.

Incidentally, Star Trek: The Colorform set
did have better pacing and was downright
action-packed compared to ST: TMP.
That's not to say the twenty or thirty previous Star Trek movies have all had great titles. I mean, the first one was slapped with the generic Star Trek: The Motion Picture, presumably to avoid confusion with Star Trek: The Colorform Set. The third movie was The Search for Spock, even though they just sort of stumbled upon him 5 minutes in. Hell, part nine was called Star Trek: Insurrection and if your juvenile brain didn't just replace the word 'insurrection' with 'erection' I don't think we have anything left to discuss. The point is it's not like screenwriters Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman had a tough act to follow.

There's still time to come up with something better, although they did register a bunch of websites for the name, so it's pretty for sure. Sigh. Oh well, I guess if it's a decent movie then it doesn't really matter what the title is. Some really good movies have had really bad titles...right? On the other hand for every The Dark Knight Rises there's like a half dozen X-Files: I Want To Believe's. Anyway, fingers crossed.

"Hey Alex, pass me the blow will ya?
We've got a title to come up with."

Hey, I know it's probably too late for this, but here's a couple of title suggestions which, while not good, are all better than Star Trek Into Darkness. Please feel free to add your own:

Star Trek 2: Trek Harder
Star Trek: The Rise of Taj
Star Trek 2: Electric Tribbeloo

Oh, and here's an old chestnut from way back:

Sunday, September 9, 2012

And lo, I beheld the power of cheese...

Without Pat, how would we know God
votes Republican and hates gay people?
I'm not usually one to believe in signs. I mean, yeah traffic signs sure, but not so much the mystical or portentous kind. I'm no theologian, but I always felt that if God or the Gods or the universe or whatever had something to tell me, he/she/they or it would just come out and say it. Besides, isn't there something a know...pretentious, or what's the word? Dickish? About saying that God talks only to you? I think that's what separates the rest of us from Pat Robertson. Well, that and 80 years of cholesterol build-up (don't look at me like that, he's a douche).

I've always assumed that if there is a divine will, it's happy to, for reasons beyond our ken, let us muddle through our lives without clear instructions, sort of like the people who write the Lego manuals.
Wait, what? For real guys? Holy shit... 
This Florida woman sold her Virgin Mary
cheese sandwich
for $28,000. Now who's crazy?
That said, I think I have joined the I see Jesus in a piece of toast club. No, I didn't see the face of The Lord in a slice of toasted rye, that would be completely insane. But I did see the State of Maine (and parts of Vermont and New Hampshire) is some cheese. Does that make me crazy? No, really, be honest. Oh, I think I should take a moment and point out that I'm not calling people who see Jesus or the Virgin Mary in their bread products crazy. I mean, we can't prove that the omniscient and omnipotent creator of all that is doesn't choose to communicate through toast.

And hey, if seeing the face of God staring up at you from your breakfast gives you hope then who am I to judge? I'm just saying that for me, as a devout Vulcantologist with little to no belief in the supernatural, seeing messages in my quesadilla is bordering on batty.
Clearly this cheesy chunk of New England is trying to tell me something...but what?
Goddamnit, that's Pennsylvania, isn't it?

Pardon my skepticism, but I've always kind of assumed that whenever the faithful have a vision, or see a sign or whatever, it's because they want to see it. Like, it's just their brain working through whatever it needs to work through and putting it into a context they're comfortable with. A rational explanation doesn't make a religious experience any less valid, it's just a way of explaining it to the rest of us. They're not crazy or stupid for believing (well, some people are), they're just looking at the world differently, and that's cool. Up 'till now, this sort of thing just hasn't really been my bag...but then the cheese happened. Why am I seeing things in cheese?

Is it just some cosmic coincidence that as I broke up the pre-sliced cheddar and dropped the bits into the pan one just happened to resemble the 23rd State to enter the Union? Or is this a message from my subconscious? Or could it be that God is telling you to send me money to start my cheese-ministry? Hmmm, that's probably it, you should send me money...for the ministry. Yes, uh...praise Cheesus!
Message from God, or cheesy Rorschach test?