Happy 5773!

Happy 5773 everybody! No, I'm not drunk (well, not in any serious way), it's just that sundown tonight marks the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.

The 58th Century? You're soaking in it!

Nice calendar, idiot...

So if it's 5773, shouldn't we be flying around in hover cars or trying to outrun net-wielding super-intelligent apes? No, of course not, that's crazy talk. It's not actually the future, the Hebrew calendar is just different from the one we're all used to. It's based on the phases of the moon and begins more or less with 'let there be light.' Also, since the lunar year is slightly different from the solar year, leap months have to be added seven times in a span of nineteen years in order to keep the months and seasons in line. If that sounds insane to you, just keep in mind that the standard calendar we all use had to be completely rebooted in 1582 because a certain ancient Roman dictator-for-life screwed up the leap years.

Carbon dating of this cake has
proven inconclusive, but delicious.

Speaking of the standard calendar, hope you're not too attached to 2012, because there's some debate as to exactly what year we're living in now. Introduced by Pope Gregory, who was, you know, a Pope, the Gregorian calendar pegs year one as the birth of Jesus. The problem is no one's really sure when (or if) he was actually born. We could be living in 2012, 2017, 2030 or who the crap knows? It looks like time is a really just a completely arbitrary construct, devoid of objective meaning and we are all adrift in a sea of temporal uncertainty. So, uh, Happy New Year!

So what year is it really? Take your pick. It's 1433 on the Islamic Calendar, 2555 in Thailand and we only have about 97 days left until the Mayan calendar rolls over to the next b'ak'tun and nothing at all happens. Oh, and it's also Year of the Dragon because in China a calendar and a See N' Say are the same thing. 5773's looking pretty reasonable now, huh?

"Hey Steve, how's the calendar coming?"
"Ok I guess, hey, if you wanted to keep track of what year it is, what would you use? Numbers or something?"
"Yeah, numbers or maybe a bunch of random animals that repeat every 12 years..."