Tuesday, March 22, 2011

So like, why does she even watch Glee?

Here she is before the rabid foam
collected around her mouth.
Remember Victoria Jackson from Saturday Night Live? She did that skit where she had extra fingers, and some of the Toonces bits-she was ok. Anyway, it turns out that in real life she's a lunatic with a column in which she vents her crazy about Muslims, Obama and gays. Here, wade into this for a hot second. Now go shower, I'll wait...
Feel better? Good. Here's what she said, well, part of it anyway. Try reading it in a funny voice!

Next on the Glee producers' agenda:
Taking turns doin' your mom.

"Did you see "Glee" this week? Sickening! And, besides shoving the gay thing down our throats, they made a mockery of Christians – again! I wonder what their agenda is? Hey, producers of "Glee" – what's your agenda? One-way tolerance?"
-Victoria Jackson
Television Critic

Why does this show keep shoving
Football down our throats?
Um, so why is she watching Glee if she hates gay people so hard? It's about a high school glee club that sings Lady Gaga songs and is run by Jane Lynch. What about this is not super-gay? Also, having tolerance usually means being respectful and accepting of the fact that people have differences. It's not really about lying down and taking it from a bunch of hostile psuedo-religious nut jobs who toss around slurs and hate speech and then cry when someone calls them out on it. So yeah, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can be a tolerant person and still call Victoria Jackson a homophobic dickweed.

"How 'bout showin' some tolerance you hell-bound limp-wristed gaymo commies?"

Bonus crazy:

"Two men getting married?
What is this, opposite day?"

Everyone knows that two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit, not an "alternate lifestyle"! There I said it! Ridiculous!
-Victoria Jackson 
Comic Genius

Thursday, March 17, 2011

John Boehner is a Gaycist

Ow...Gay people make my marriage hurt! 
Why isn't someone enforcing DOMA?

Hey, remember DOMA? The Defense of Marriage Act? It's this law that got passed back in '96 when everyone thought you could catch gay from a toilet seat. It basically says that the federal government won't recognize same sex marriage because it confuses old people and somehow destroys non-gay marriage. Anyway, a lot has changed in 15 years and President Obama announced that his administration was no longer going to enforce it because it's an asinine law passed out of ignorance.

Wherever there's injustice, John Boehner
will be there...probably causing it.
Speaking of asinine, check this out. It's an article about how House Republicans led by House Majority Gaycist John Boehner (whose name is actually German for 'boner')* are mobilizing to defend the DOMA (definite article!). Like reverse super-heroes they're swooping in to snatch discrimination from the jaws of equality. Great job guys, way to go. I mean, what does the DOMA do other than hurt people? It's like John Boehner wakes up in the morning, kicks his dog and then sits down with a cup of coffee to think up ways to be a dick.

Ok, he probably doesn't kick the dog (yes, he does)...but what is it with people like Boehner? Do they really think that the tide is going to turn? Like maybe people are just going to give up on equality because John Boehner and House Republicans want to pander to homophobes? Has that ever worked?
"Oh the hell with it Gladys, they're right. If God wanted us to vote, he wouldn't have given us breasts."
"Yeah, you're right Ethel, let's go back to our dreary lives of servitude and orgasm-less sex..."

*It really does mean 'boner,' I looked it up.†

†No, no I didn't really look it up...and no, it doesn't. At least I don't think it does. Wouldn't it be appropriate if it did though?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Look out! Ides!

"Pizza, Pizza..."
-Gaius Julius Caesar, 48 B.C.
Today is (sort of) the 2,055th anniversary of Julius Caesar's assassination. He was a lot of things: conqueror, leader, salad. He's even got a month named after him (let's say November). But he's probably most famous for saying 'Et tu Bruté!' in stunned betrayal just before his closest friend shanked him Oz-style. What I want to know is why isn't he remembered for being a tremendous dipshit who ignored every possible sign, took no precautions and got spectacularly murdered by people he was stupid enough to trust?


"On second thought,
someone else is Spartacus..."

Look, this guy declared himself dictator for life thus wresting power out of the hands of a rich ruling elite and concentrating it solely under his receding hairline. Didn't he realize that this might piss a few people off, namely the aforementioned rich ruling elite? This is a culture that enjoyed blood sports and would go on to invent the mafia. Why was violent retribution not on this guy's radar? Were Romans really known for their even-tempered and measured responses to people who upset the status quo?

Spencer's Gifts could have
seen this coming.
Ok, so let's say he was incapable of seeing that his naked power grab might rub a few people the wrong way. Fine. But then there was not one, but two prophecies: a creepy dream his wife had, and then some nutty crone told him to beware the Ides of March (thanks, Plutarch...just kidding: Wikipedia). To us, ignoring this sort of thing is considered rational and is what separates us from those who give John Edward money. Ancient Romans however, really believed in this crap. All except Julius 'What Could Possibly Go Wrong?' Caesar. Nice move, Jules.

ancient Roman filibuster 

The cherry on this sundae of stupid has to be the fact that there was like, no security at the temporary Senate house (The real Senate house was being rebuilt, so they worked out of a theatre, but still, ushers?). Granted, this was before the invention of metal detectors in government buildings, so back then the security check point consisted of some dude asking everyone: "Got a knife?" To which 62 disgruntled senators cunningly answered 'nope' and were admitted despite packing the 1st century B.C. equivalent of serious heat. Diabolical. So then, like an idiot Caesar ignored every god damned warning and strolled casually into his own slaughter. Political genius. Maybe he should have saved everyone the trouble and stabbed himself.

Perhaps the most obvious warning was the coverage of the Senate vote to murder him.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Hey, it's Eugene Cernan's Birthday!

He's about to give it
the Right Stuff
Thanks Wikipedia for your tireless devotion to obscure milestones! In case you're asking yourself who the hell is Eugene Cernan, I'll tell you. He was the last man to walk on the moon and today's featured picture on Wikipedia. On the one hand that's an awesome distinction (the moon thing, less so about the Wikipedia), but on the other hand, if we someday return to the moon and find a mess (like empty pizza boxes and beer cans) it's all on him. So congratulations Eugene, and Happy Birthday! Also, holy shit NASA, that was 1972. Why haven't we gone back? Did you find aliens or Decepticons or something? C'mon, you can tell me. Anyway, here's a picture of Eugene Cernan humping the moon (see right).

Just 208 more shopping days until
Leif Ericson day!
In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably tell you that the only reason I'm mentioning Eugene Cernan's birthday is because of his hilarious NASA photo. To be honest, I hadn't even heard of him before (thanks public school!) today. Yes, if you've read my blog before you may have noticed that I have a soft spot for unusual, defunct or outright fictional observances as well as a penchant for complaining about how NASA doesn't do awesome stuff anymore and this would seem to be a tasty combination of both themes. But alas, not this time. This was all about the picture.

Oh...uhhh...oh my, no.
I think most of us picture the people who work for the space program as a bunch of humorless mathematicians and science nerds. But for real, look at that picture (the one at the beginning of the post, not to the right. At all costs do not look at the one to the right). He's clearly having his way with the Earth's only natural satellite. Someone high up in the NASA press office must have looked at this and said: "Yes, perfect. That is the picture we are going to go with. Print it." And kudos to Eugene for standing there with a straight face.

Speaking of hot man-on-solar system action, did you know that the term 'venereal disease' is an old-timey way of referring to STD's? Venereal means 'of Venus.' Here's a little known fact: VD was actually brought back to the Earth by Soviet Cosmonauts on a secret manned mission to Venus, and that's why it burns when you pee.*

Hey kids, don't have sex. Ever.
A Public Service Announcement from Weyland Yutani.

*some of this is not true.

Be Excellent to Each Other

I thought this article from the L.A. Times was pretty cool. It's about how despite an apocalyptic disaster that's killed thousands, devastated entire cities and actually moved Japan's main island 8 feet (!), people are still taking the time to be polite and express concern for those around them. Victims being pulled from the rubble of their homes are actually apologizing to their rescuers for taking them away from people more in need. Warm fuzzy: Accomplished.
To help counter the unremitting horror of the past few days, here's an adorable picture of Hello Kitty driving a car.
You're welcome.
Here in the U.S. Christmas shopping has a death toll. If we seriously can not control ourselves in the face of WalMart's low low prices, what are we going to do next time there's a hurricane or an earthquake or when the robots finally turn on us? I hope that if (and when) we're next placed in a similar position we can muster even a fraction of the civility and thoughtfulness it takes to look out for one another. Wouldn't that be great?

Monday, March 7, 2011

A Dance With Patience

Huzzah, nerds! Huzzah! After what seemed like years of waiting...um...After what was years of waiting, the next book in George R. R. Martin's rad fantasy series, A Song of Ice and Fire, is coming out on July 12. And here's the best part: That's July 12th, 2011 and not say 2089. For the uninitiated, ASOIAF (acronym!) is sort of what would happen if Dynasty had like really rough sex with The Lord of the Rings (the novels, not Frodo). Here, we talked about this thing before, remember?
Reclusive author George R. R. Martin shuns public appearances and is rarely photographed.
So instead here's a picture of an off-duty mall Santa moonlighting as a train conductor.
Book 1 came out around 40 B.C. and
we're just now coming up on book 5.
This new book, called A Dance With Dragons, is the fifth entry in the series and is about 48,000 pages long (hyperbole!). If the previous installments are any indication, I'll tear through it in about an hour and a half. They're that good. The problem here is that once I finish with ADWD (yup, n'other acronym), the realization that the next is years away will settle in. Normally I'd just tell myself to be patient but I'm beginning to think that the publisher is treating every page with a highly addictive psychotropic drug that leaves us fanboys and fangirls crawling out of our skin between novels.

Anyway, the July 12th publication date gives you just about four-ish months to catch up on books 1 through 4-so get kraken. What? I like krakens. They rule the sea...

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Don't worry, I don't really have a cat...

...or maybe to not be a fly...
Hope you brought a tarp, 'cause I'm about to get nerd all over the place. According to this article from Trekmovie.com, Robert Orci (who co-wrote the 2009 Star Trek movie) and producer Damon Lindelof locked themselves in a hotel room last week to write the Star Trek sequel and presumably enjoy those tiny coffee makers and complimentary wifi. Oh, to be a fly. And get this: they're looking for fan-input.

At this point they might as well call it
whatever they want. I'd go with: 'Deflecto-Ray' 
Now, don't eject your core just yet, they're only asking fans what to call that blue glowey thing on the front of starships. They're torn between 'main deflector dish' and 'main deflector array.' Why they don't look it up online, I don't know. Fully 18 percent of the entire internet is information about Star Trek, but if they want to know what the fans think, that's cool. Although in the last movie J. J. Abrams moved an entire planet just for the hell of it, so is accuracy really that high on their list?

I totally never got why the director did this. What made him think that Star Trek geeks-who are notorious for jumping on even the most minor inconsistencies-would think this is neat? He said he felt it would make a good Easter Egg for the fans. But as a fan, I was more confused by how the writers didn't know that planet Delta Vega was nowhere near Vulcan. Also, why would the Vulcans name one of the planets in their star system after a frat? Of course a better question might be why would they name their planet after a Roman god from Earth? Am I over-thinking this?
Zephram Cochrane: "Welcome to Earth, what planet are you from?"
Commander Solkar: "You know, we never bothered to come up with a name for it. 
Any suggestions? We're wide open."

This. This is the opposite of cool.

Is it nit-picky of me to complain about a thing like where a stupid made-up planet is? Maybe (definitely), but that's why we're called 'fans' (as in fanatic) and not say 'milds' (as in mildly enthusiastic about). We Star Trek fans have a long and rich history of obsessing over the details of a fictitious universe. It's what makes us so cool (or, you know, whatever the opposite of cool is).

That said, I didn't hate the new Star Trek, I just think it could have benefited from a Trekkie's touch. There were some, shall we say 'inconsistencies' with the established Trekiverse that could be avoided in the next film. If they really want some fan input, give me or any one of my rubber-pointy-ear-wearing brothers and sisters a call. It's not like we're doing anything else (what? I kid). We would totally be a valuable resource, like bauxite (we drop knowledge on this blog). Not only are we well-versed in Star Trek lore and minutia, but we're also opinionated. It's a winning combination, just ask my cat/best friend/science officer Lieutenant Commander Purrcy. I'll be waiting by the phone.
Although even I don't know what that hell that red thing on Tasha Yar's face was.
Blood? Some sort of space-rash? Anyone?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Today in: Seriously?

"Those guys?

So the Supreme Court ruled that the hate-filled verbal shit fountain routinely spewed into the air by the foaming-rabid members of the Westboro Baptist Church is protected by the first amendment. Sigh. Ok, the constitution protects everyone, even lunatic bigots (or 'lunigots') who protest at military funerals and think that gay people cause hurricanes and 9/11. I guess I can understand the ruling in kind of an abstract way. It's like how Superman would probably have to save them if their plane was crashing on the way to Homophobic Fundamentalist Convention 2011 (or HoFuCon '11). He wouldn't like it, but his moral code doesn't let him pick and choose.

In a rare 'And Another Thing' ruling,
the Court declared that Westboro
Baptist Church is full of total dicks.

The ruling basically says that Westboro Baptist Church members were within their rights and that we can't stop them from speaking just because what they say is batshit crazy. However the Justices did all agree that that the church-goers are total assholes-well, they didn't call them that, but wouldn't it be great if they did? Like if the Court handed down some kind of writ that changed the name of their group to Westboro Pack of Raving Assholes? That would be a thing.

"What? Sometimes
it's not lupus..."

But seriously, what's wrong with these people? What makes them get up in the morning and decide to spread misery? Is it syphilis? I watch a lot of House M.D. and I'm pretty sure crazy of this magnitude has to be medical. And what's really screwed up is that these folks get their kids into it too. How is this not child abuse? Didn't they take Charlie Sheen's kids away because he's mentally unstable and said Two and a Half Men sucks? Are we seriously saying that Charlie Sheen is scarier? If the Westboro Baptists were waving signs saying: 'God Hates Dancing With The Stars' would the county be knocking on their doors?

What about this says 'fit mother?' That kid is like, what, 7? What could he possibly hate?
Did his mom threaten to take the Wii away if he doesn't hate gay people enough?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Let's Play Final Jeopardy!

National Spelling Bee
Champion 32 years running.
Someone built a super computer that is better at Jeopardy than actual people. In fact, it's better than people who are really good at Jeopardy (except this guy). Amazing huh? But is this really a surprise? The computer, named Watson after Sherlock Holmes' non-coke addict pal/narrator, is basically an interactive encyclopedia of human knowledge. The question could be: "The letter 'M' appears appears this many times on page seventy three of Tom Wolfe's The Bonfire of the Vanities." As long as the answer is knowable and someone bothered to enter it into Watson's memory, it can access it. It was built to win at Jeopardy. Ken Jennings was built to eat, avoid predators and mate. Advantage: Machines.

I guess I've always known that these
two would preside over the
destruction of mankind...

Of course, Ken Jennings could stroll over to the next studio and probably kick some ass at Wheel of Fortune. Watson would have to wait for a teamster, an extension cord and a few solid weeks of reprograming. Advantage: Ken Jennings. Humans, for the time being, still have the adaptability advantage.  But are we doomed the day a robot mechanically intones the phase: "Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle"?

"I, uh, have the pizza
you ordered..."

To overcome the adaptability gap, scientists in Europe are creating a sort of internet for robots. Instead of offering unrestricted access to the sum of human knowledge and porn, this robot internet will allow robots to communicate with one another and share information, experience and where our fleshy bodies are most vulnerable to their robo-kicks. It'll be sort of a collective consciousness or 'hive-mind' which is exactly what we want to give robots if we want them to rise up against us. Also, there will be some robot porn...likely full of bad acting and flimsy pretexts (see right).

Scientists predict a robot
uprising by the year 2084.

And then there's Rajesh Rao, a scientist who can't wait for machines to decide to destroy all humans. To that end he is building a robot that can read our minds. The idea is that this technology would allow prosthetic limbs to one day be controlled by our brains, but it could easily lead to the day when you find yourself being choked to death by your own robo-arm. At first, everyone would think you were kidding, like 'oh look at me, I'm pretending to strangle myself' and then you'll turn blue and keel over and everyone will be like: holy shit, he wasn't fooling around...but it'll be too late. Chalk up another for the robots...and then-wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right, the end of mankind.

But we should fear this robot, it's
made of nightmares. Thanks Japan...

These technological advancements may well be significant steps on the road towards Robot superiority and their total domination of our planet and gameshows. On the other hand you could say that humans built a machine that did exactly what it was meant to do. Isn't it kind of irrational to fear machines that are functioning normally? I mean, other than chainsaws.

Robots are only going to do what we build them to do, and for that reason, yeah, a little healthy fear is justified. But it's really just because people build them, and people can be well, jerks.
"What? You make us look like shiny metal Death-Bots, give us lasers 
and then when we take over, we're the bad guys?"