Saturday, September 28, 2013

Yes, it's just like 9/11...

Hey, you know what's not in any way like stopping terrorists from flying planes into buildings? Shutting down the government because you don't like Obamacare. But that didn't stop Congressman John Culberson from saying the following in reference to a vote which would (temporarily) hold off the government shutdown: "I said, like 9/11, let's roll!"
"I'm just sorry I couldn't think of a way to compare Obamacare to the Holocaust 
but if you give me a few minutes I'm sure I can come up with something."
-John Culberson, Republican 
from, wait for it...Texas
Except instead of pulling people from
the rubble, they're saving them from
affordable healthcare...uh...hurray?
"Are you guys ready? Okay, let's roll" are the last known words of United Airlines Flight 93 passenger Todd Beamer who, along with several other passengers attempted to take control of the plane from the hijackers on 9/11. So I think in Culberson's scenario, it's 9/11, the House of Representatives is Flight 93, Obamacare is a terrorist plot to murder thousands of people and the only way he and his fellow Republicans can stop it is by bravely and selflessly threatening to shut down the government. Holy shit, they're heroes!

Or...you know, the opposite. Their plan is to shut down the government thus hurting government employees and costing taxpayers millions of dollars unless the Democrats give in to their demands and give them whatever the hell they want. Look, I don't want to play the 'let's compare people with whom we disagree to terrorists game' but seriously? 
"No, no, you don't have to thank us. Just remember that we're the party 
who fought to avoid the government shutdown we threatened you with."
-John Boener, pretty much
summing up Republican logic

Sex Box: it's bigger on the inside.

You know, like the TARDIS? From Doctor Who? No? Fine, anyway, the BBC is producing a new show called Sex Box and the premise is that a live studio audience in going to watch a couple have sex and then they'll all sit around and talk about it, probably over a cup of tea.
Seriously, British people cannot get enough tea.
It's like us with the assault rifles.
Where do you think that kid came from?
Yup, British people doin' it, probably
in a box. A sex box. 
Now before you get all outraged by England's depraved, hedonistic ways and start 'well I never-ing'  I should mention that the sexy time will be happening in an enclosed, opaque box on the set. Wai-wah? Yeah, the audience is going to sit patiently while the couple gets it on in the titular (settle down) and opaque Sex Box. I'm not sure then what the Sex Box accomplishes, I mean, the couple might as well be in a motel down the street, but I think there's room on television for more adult conversations about sex.

Of course this does raise the question of what the hosts will be doing to fill the time while their guests are having box-sex. My vote is for everyone to run around in circles to that music from the Benny Hill Show.
Pictured: What studio audiences will be staring at for 10-40 minutes.
Not pictured: awkward jokes about wining the Sex Box home version.
It turns out that sometimes
the pizza guy really is
just there to deliver pizza.
Despite the lack of explicit sex-nanigans, people are already freaking out about the show. Some think it's a shameless attempt to grab ratings while others think it's a shameless ratings grab. Of course, they're both right, but then putting anything on television is an attempt to get people to watch, so I don't see what the problem is. The producers are hoping to 'reclaim sex' from the distorted way it's presented in porn and in the media and that's valid. I mean there're entire generations growing up thinking that sex only happens in green-hued night vision on reality shows. Sure, the Sex Box itself is a gimmick, but then the point of the show is the post-scrumping discussion so I don't see what the big deal is. Ever stayed in a Marriot? Depending on what floor you're on there's a decent chance that you are surround on both sides as well as above and below by people screwing. At least Sex Box is sound proof.

Unsurprisingly, Americans are already uncomfortable. Here, watch this clip from Good Morning America. Host Lara Spencer can't bring herself to introduce the segment without tittering uncomfortably like a fifth-grader watching the So you're going through puberty... video in sex ed. They even called the segment 'Going too far?' so viewers at home wouldn't think for a moment that ABC approves of people having the sex. Holy shit, do we need Sex Box USA.
Sex in front of a live studio audience! Going too far!
TV show features intimate moments! Hey guys, I think
you forgot to mention the donkey show...

Friday, September 27, 2013

Andiamo boicottare Barilla!

It's (probably) Italian for 'Let's boycott Barilla!' Yup, it looks like it is no longer ok to eat Barilla brand pasta after the hilariously named Guido Barilla said that his company will never use a gay family in its advertising. Why? Because he's an idiot. So for those keeping track, we're boycotting pasta, Hobby LobbyChic-fil-A (twice), Ender's Game and Russia.
They will however use tiny naked babies with wings wielding
forks and fighting for control of a plate of spaghetti because...uh...Europe?
Here, enjoy some of the some stupid, stupid remarks he made during a radio interview:

Hey Guido, why don't you try another
brand. Here, eat a big ol' bag of this one.
"For us, the concept of sacred family remains one of the fundamental values of the company...If gays like our pasta and our communication, they will eat our pasta. If not, they can avoid it and eat another brand...I won't do an ad with a homosexual family not because I disrespect gays - they have a right to do whatever they want without disturbing others - but I don't think like them and I think that the family we try to address is anyway a classic family."

-Guido Barilla, chairman of Barilla Pasta
...really? His parents named him Guido?
Well, it's great that Guido has given his blessing to hot gay sex (as long as it doesn't disturb others) but did I miss the part where we all decided to ask the pasta industry to weigh in on what constitutes a family? 
Pictured: Classic Family preparing some Barilla Brand ® pasta for dinner.
Not pictured: Gay people, because seriously, do they even eat pasta?
And don't get me started on the single-parents and childless couples...
Above: A guy who doesn't know
when to keep his penne-hole shut.
You know, all he had to do was go ten minutes in an interview without trashing gay people. Would that have really been so hard? I mean he runs a major corporation, shouldn't he know better than to opine about other people's sex lives? Sure, I guess the interviewer asked him directly if we'd be seeing gay people in a Barilla ad someday, but holy shit, would it have killed him to just say something like: "Sure, why not? Gays love pasta too!"? It's not that the guy isn't entitled to his own narrow, medieval opinion, it's that he should keep it to himself if he'd like to do business in the 21st century.

"A family? No, we just found this kid on the 
ground and decided to raise it together."
He tried to apologize, but just kind of made it worse saying that: "In the interview, I simply wanted to highlight the role of women in the family." And that "[Barilla] has always chosen to represent the family because this is the symbol of hospitality and affection for everyone." Oy. So not only is this guy unaware that there are lesbians in the world, but he's also missing the point that the definition of family is bigger than 'the people from whom you inherit your pasta company.'

Oh, and just out of curiosity, why is a radio show interviewing the chairman of Barilla in the first place? I know it's Italy, and pasta's probably a bigger deal there, but for real, who's tuning in for that? 
"Shadda upa you face, he's a going to talk abouta the pasta!"
-Italian people
(sorry)


By the way, I don't know if you clicked on the first link, but the BBC article totally wins for most adorable headline. Behold:

Here, I'll type it the way they'd say it:
Italian pastah brand Bariller in gay advert raow.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Let's give Apple more money!

Oh, and don't feel too bad for Apple. Sure, that L.A. iPhone scam we talked about will probably hurt their fourth quarter earnings forecast portfolio or whatever, but I just gave them $80 for another new power supply for my goddamn computer, so they'll be alright.
"Q4 was looking pretty grim, but fortunately some idiot bought one of our
 power cords instead of picking up a third-party one on Amazon for like 20 bucks.
We're ok for now, but we are screwed if people start figuring this out."

-Steve, CFO Apple Inc.
Although that would be rad.
Yeah, this one's going to be a rant, so if you want to bail out now, I understand. Anyway, this is my third power cable for a three year-old laptop. That's like one a year. And before you ask, no, I don't use the power cable as grappling hook to swing through the city fighting crime, I just use it to recharge my computer; its intended function. I don't crimp it or roll it up too tightly. Most of the time it just sits there. How then, can I possibly be on my third power cable?

Above: Normal wear and tear.
I'm left with the realization that Apple sometimes makes less-than-stellar (read: shitty) products. Take my phone for example. You know that button on the top that let's you turn the thing off? Yeah, mine doesn't work. I took it to the Apple store and was all, Hey, my off button doesn't work. You know what they told me? Normal wear and tear. I mean, it's an 'on/off' button which, after 18 months, no longer turns anything 'on' or 'off.' That's not normal wear and tear, that's a catastrophic systems failure.

So why in the name of hell did I just give Apple another $80? Why will I probably spring for another iPhone whatever when it's time to get a new cell? Why not get a just get a Galaxy or a PC or something and finally cut the cord? What have they done to me?
"All Apple devices are coated with a water-soluble form of meth, which you
 absorb through the skin just by touching them. In fact, while I've been
speaking you've become hopelessly addicted to our products."

-Chet, Genius
Boise, Idaho Apple Store
Hey Apple, all kidding aside,
do you guys take blood? 
I don't know if it's because the stuff they make is pretty, or because the hip, young, attractive people at the genius bar won't think I'm cool anymore, but somehow going back to Windows has become too terrible to contemplate. But seriously Apple, enough is enough. I'm not made of money. Like most humans, I'm made of water and organs and things, and that's worth like nothing. Unless you count blood, I...I suppose I could get something for that...look, the point is that five or six more letdowns like this, and I might think about considering switching.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Wearing a cape doesn't make you Batman.

Hey look everybody, NRA spokesloon Wayne LaPierre solved the problem of gun-related violence this morning on Meet the Press. The plan:
Say it with me now: more fucking guns!
Yup, in the wake of yet another mass shooting (the one at the Naval Yard in Washington, not Friday's shooting in Chicago, one at a time please) he had this to say:

When will people come to see the wisdom
that lay beneath that stately comb-over?
"...in a post 9-11 world, a naval base within miles from [sic] Congress, the White House, seven miles from here, largely left unprotected a terrorist target, a high-value terrorist target, completely unprotected, that can't stand. The NRA is calling today for layers of security around our military bases and the other thing we need to look at letting the men and women that know firearms and are trained in them do what they do best which is protect and survive."

-Wayne LaPierre

Yeah, we won't be image searching
that one. Here're some kittens instead.
That's right U.S. Military, the NRA is demanding more security, so get on that. You guys really dropped the ball on this one. I suppose hindsight like that is why the NRA keeps trotting Wayne out every time there's a mass shooting. So, um, why are we even looking to the NRA for a statement? I mean, isn't that a little like turning to NAMBLA whenever a pedophile gets busted? Of course their answer to gun violence is more guns, their entire existence as an organization is centered around convincing more people to pack heat.

When you find yourself agreeing with
Ted Nugent, it's time to reevaluate.
So you might recognize this as LaPierre's 'good guys with guns will stop the bad guys with guns' argument again, which is the same one he made after the Sandyhook massacre, and again after the Boston Marathon bombings. It's also basically the same idea Ted Nugent harped on after Aurora: more people with guns equals more people ready to spring into action and take down a crazed gunman. I don't know, I'd have thought that more guns would just mean an increased likelihood of people getting shot, but then I'm not so great with math.

I am however good at comparing real life issues to Batman and it takes more than a cape to make you Batman.
It takes an awesome costume, billions of dollars, a sweet car, a loyal butler,
and a tragic family backstory which, incidentally, involves a lunatic with a gun.
30% of police academy candidates
wash out during the sound effects exam.

What I mean by that is that just because someone has a gun and the training to operate it doesn't make them qualified to fight crime. That's why we have police, and their training is a little more extensive than shoot the bad guy. They have things like procedure and back-up and they wear badges so people know that they're not just a bunch of gun-toting weirdos.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

No iPhone, No uFood

Hey, read this, it'll crush your very soul. No, you have to click on it, it's a link to an L.A. Times article, read it and then come back. I'll wait for yo-whoa, back already? That was a little quick, did you even-you didn't read it did you? Fine, I'll give you the broad strokes, but for real, this is the last time. I mean it.
Here's a picture of happy people joining hands, rejoicing
in each other's company and sharing their hopes for a bright future.
The story you're about to read is the exact opposite of this.
Many of these workers abandoned the
bread line when they discovered the
government had run out of goldpagne
Anyway, a new iPhone came out yesterday. Yes, again. Despite shortages every goddamn time they release a new device, Apple always seems to be caught off guard by the number of people willing to hand over $200, so fans have to line up to make sure they get one on day one. The pictures look like a Soviet-era breadline, except instead of impoverished peasants lining up for meager sustenance, it's early-adopters with disposable income who called in sick to work so they can overpay for an incrementally improved phone they're just going to trade-in in two years.

At least that's usually the case. In a sign that our civilization is due for a serious Bastille Day, some jerkface entrepreneur got the bright idea to use homeless people to wait in line for him in exchange for $20 and a meal. The plan was to buy iPhones here and then sell them overseas where they go for way more than Apple's already kind of crazy-town price.
In Australia for example, the iPhone 5s starts at $869 ($817 US),
For comparison, the average Australian makes only about $320
a month competing in the country's many Thunderdomes.
Here's a shot of the LAPD wrestling a man
to the ground for trying to earn a sandwich.
I'm sure this'll do wonders for PR.
A grown ass man calling himself Bobby told the local news that he'd been hired to organize the buy-up at the Pasadena Apple Store and that his was one of several such coordinated efforts at different stores around L.A. Almost half of the 200 people waiting in line in Pasadena were hired by Bobby, but when the staff figured out what was going on (they are, after all Geniuses™) they shut it down, kicking Bobby and his surrogates out. Cops were called, but since no laws were being broken, they couldn't really do anything, at least until the punching started.

You see when the Apple Store cut them off, Bobby was all like: 'No iPhone, no uFood,' tempers understandably flared, fights ensued and a couple of people were arrested...but not Bobby.
Pictured: 'Bobby,' (center) with an armload of $200 iPhones
explaining to a hungry man that he won't be eating today.
Not pictured: an ounce of shame or human compassion. 
Above: the confident smirk of a man
who cannot begin to grasp what a
Omega-Level douchebag he is.
While the guy behind the scam was taken away by police, it wasn't because he was charged with anything, it was because the 90 or so homeless guys he just screwed out of time, money and food were kind of upset. Yup, the cops gave Bobby a ride home for his own protection. Technically, and amazingly, exploiting the homeless as part of a scam to sell grey market cell phones overseas isn't illegal, just really, really awful. So if you live in L.A. and see Bobby, please feel free to start following him around shouting 'boooo.' Because really, it's the only recourse we've got.


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Achievement Unlocked 25G- First to blame GTA V for Society's Problems

"Way to go Kevin! Now,
tea-bag his corpse!"

-Parents
Did you know that if you're a parent and you let your kids play violent video games, you're responsible for violence in America? Well you are. At least according to MSNBC host Ed Shultz who whipped out a copy of Grand Theft Auto V (which came out yesterday and has somehow already ruined a generation of children) and started soliloquizing:

...oh it's a dandy, it's called Grand Theft Auto and let's see, it's got stealin' cars, shootin' people, and beatin' up hookers. If you're a parent and you allow your son or daughter to watch this...you're a lousy parent in my opinion. You play a role in this." 

-Ed Shultz, on your parenting skills


Causes of the Civil War included:
slavery, state's rights and GTA V. 
I think the point he's making is that we have a violent culture and it's true, we do. But is it because of video games? Look, GTA isn't for kids, it says so on the frelling box. I got carded for it and I'm older than Doctor Goddamn Who. So what's the problem? The violent content of the game? Parents who aren't paying attention to what their kids are up to? Both? Is it really fair to blame either for the violence in our culture? Coming just a day after another mass-shooting, that's a pretty heavy accusation to lay at anybody's feet.

Yeah, ok, Mortal Kombat probably
did invent freezing your opponent and
then shattering them. You got me there.
There's some pretty sick (as in unsettling, not rad) shit in video games, just like there's sick shit in music and movies, but it's coming from somewhere. Game designers didn't invent it. While GTA is tremendously violent, it's also a satire of American culture. Letting your kids play something like GTA when they're not mature enough to understand that it's a send-up, or a critique and not a guide to living in America is pretty irresponsible, but does it really make you responsible for real-life violence? Seems like kind of a reach to me.

Hey, but you know what else is irresponsible? Making this connection:

"If you think as a parent that this is good for your kid, (again, waving the copy of GTA V) you're wrong...oh, by the way, the guy who did the shooting (Monday)? He was a big fan of this kind of stuff. Does it matter? I don't know!"
If you don't know, then why are you bringing it up?
God, it makes me want to run him over my Blista Compact
and then collect the floating stacks of cash that fall out.

Monday, September 16, 2013

From America with Ambivalence

Don't worry gay athletes, the Russian government won't necessarily throw you in a gulag for being gay. Now, shut up and slalom. Yup, Russian authorities have agreed to slightly reword the Olympic Truce with for the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. What the hell is the Olympic Truce? I'm glad I pretended you asked, because I looked it up.
I also looked up Winter Olympics and Sochi. It turns out there's another, even
less interesting version of the Olympics that happens in winter. Who knew? Oh, and I think
Sochi is some sort of Russian beverage. Probably made with vodka.
"I'll still stab you, just later..."
A couple thousand years ago when the Olympics were attended by naked people from different, sometimes warring Greek city states, everybody agreed to a truce so that nobody got 300'ed on the way to the games. Then nobody gave a shit about the Olympics from 393 to 1896 when the games were revived as a way to foster peace between the nations, which totally worked. This brings us to 1998 when the modern Olympics revived the tradition. It carries exactly no force of law whatsoever, but it makes everybody feel good.

Above: An elderly Satanist
in a wheelchair?* Welcome.
Gay people? Not so much.
Everybody that is, except gay people who were noticeably left out this time. A draft of the Russian Truce contained wording about how the games would be inclusive towards 'people of different age, sex, physical capacity, religion and social status' with a big damn uncomfortable pause where most reasonable nations would say 'sexual orientation.' Given Russia's recent and dickish attitude towards their own LGBT community this was kind of an issue with gay athletes and visitors wondering if they'll be fined or arrested for the vaguely defined crime of spreading gay propaganda. But, not to worry, like I said, the Russian government has relented and agreed to alter the wording to make sure it "promotes social inclusion without discrimination of any kind." So, um...hooray? I guess?


Do they want a medal? Well, obviously, but here I'm referring to a figurative medal. So they've generously agreed to not prosecute gay Olympians and tourists for the crime of being gay in Russia. Great. Now what about the millions of LGBT Russians who have to put up with this bullshit every day? If anything, suspending the anti-gay laws makes it worse.
"Welcome foreign homosexuals! While you disgust me, I hope you enjoy the games."
-Russian President Vladamir Putin,
wearing a goddamn shirt for once
Russian police hitting protesters with
sticks...you know, for the children.
Way to go guys, way to go.
You know and I know that the legislation is fundamentally unfair, but by relaxing it for the Olympics, isn't the government openly acknowledging that it was passed for purely political reasons? I mean, the stated rational was that the laws were put in place to protect children, but if that's true, how can they just be put aside for the games? Do they only care about the children so long as it doesn't hurt tourism? Holy shit comrades, either gay people are a danger to Russia's kids or they're not.

Look, I had no intention of watching the winter Olympics in the first place, but if anyone asks, I'm boycotting them along with whatever Russian-made good or services I regularly enjoy...which is to say, none. Man, this is going to be the easiest political statement ever.
Sure they gave us Chekov and the hilarious nuclear wessels scene in Star Trek IV,
(it's the one with the whales) but what has Russia done for us recently?

*what? She could be a satanist. You don't know...

Thursday, September 12, 2013

J. K. Rowling and the License to Print Money

Un-adapted Potter books? Holy shit!
Grab a Macbook and meet me at Starbucks!
Brace yourselves everybody, I just read some earth-shattering news. Warner Brothers is going to let a first-time screenwriter take a whack at one of the studio's biggest movie franchises. Which one? Harry Goddamn Potter. Yup, there's going to be new Potter-verse films. Not sequels per-se, but stories set in the same fictional world and based upon J. K. Rowling's Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Sort of the Frasier to Harry Potter's Cheers. I'm sure your first question is: what and the where to what then?


Yeah, I had to look this up too. It was an in-universe textbook mentioned in the Harry Potter series which Rowling later fleshed out and published as a real book. It's very meta. And before you call her out for slapping together a cheap cash-in on her popular novel, you should probably know that she donates 80% of the book's cover price to Comic Relief, a children's charity. Bet you feel like a jerk now, don't you?
It was similar to how H. P. Lovecraft published copies of the Necronomicon, written
in human blood and bound in human skin. You know, for the children.
How do you think they came up
with Star Trek Into Darkness?

Alright, so who is this untested screenwriter into whose hands Warner Brothers has entrusted their financial future? Is it some promising film student? Or maybe some kind of script-writing savant? Perhaps they've assembled a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters. Nope. It's J. K. Rowling. I guess when you've written a book series that outsells the Bible and its many sequels, movie studios are willing to let you give it a whack.

The decision was somehow difficult for Rowling who told the Mirror (it's a newspaper in the U.K. She's not like talking to her own reflection or anything):
Overcome with emotion, the author wiped
away a tear with the Magna Carta
and then bought Romania.

"It all started when Warner Bros. came to me with the suggestion of turning 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them' into a film. I thought it was a fun idea, but the idea of seeing...[the book]...realized by another writer was difficult. Having lived so long in my fictional universe, I feel very protective of it..."

-J. K. Rowling on how she grudgingly 
agreed to become even richer


Perhaps my good friend
The Queen can convince you...
Hmm...actually, I suspect it all started when somebody at the studio drove a truckload of money up to Rowling's door, but that's neither here nor there. The premise of the new film seems pretty sound compared to say, squeezing three movies out of The Hobbit (no, I'm not over it) and as I've mentioned before, I actually kind of like her and her stupid addictive Harry Potter books. So let's face it, she's got my ten bucks.
No. Just no. Look, we love you J. K. but that's just pushing
your-wait, really? They're making that into a series?

Monday, September 9, 2013

Unhappy Campers

No, I can't start a campfire, but I do know
which Boss to fight first in Mega Man 2. 
I should probably begin by making it clear that scouting was never really my thing. I was in to it for a couple of months before I realized that it was taking valuable time away from playing video games and not going outside. I have friends who remember it fondly and that's awesome. I'm sure they gained valuable life skills like knot tying and lying about who really built their pinewood derby car, but to me it always felt like some kind of lame wilderness survival club that combined the fun of responsibility with the excitement of community service and no electricity.

Anyway, in the interest of fairness, you should keep my personal bias in mind while I rant about this. It's a story about a bunch of ex-Boy Scout members who started their own Christian knock-off scouting group called Trail Life USA.
Above: Guitar Praise. It's a Guitar Hero clone that replaces actual music with Christian rock,
and a perfect example of how Christians totally ruin a good thing. See also: The Roman Empire.
Just clicking on their website
 is itself a rugged adventure of
character building and leadership.
I know what you're thinking: aren't the Boy Scouts of America already kind of a religious? Yes, they certainly are. Most of the troops are sponsored by churches, and the Boy Scout oath is chock full o' The Lord. So what's Trail Life USA's beef? Isn't the BSA Jesusy enough? Well, remember when the Scouts decided to join the rest of us in the 21st century and lifted its ban on LGBT members? The sore losers of that debate were so butthurt (do people still say 'butthurt?') that they decided to quit and form their own totally not gay, all-male, outdoor bonding group. Oh, but don't worry, gay people are welcome to join...sort of. Wai-wuh? Yeah, that clear fluid leaking from your ear? That's perfectly normal when the logic center of your brain liquefies.

Pictured: a typical Boy Scout meeting
now that the organization has reversed
its policy regarding gay members.
Despite being the wholesome, non-hellbound alternative to the den of moral depravity that is now the Boy Scouts of America, Trail Life USA is also open to LGBT members, as long as they're not, you know, all in-your-face about it.

"If a young man has a same-sex attraction he would not be turned away in the program, but he's not going to be allowed to kind of openly flaunt it and carry a rainbow flag,"

-John Stemberger, Trail Life USA

I say if you're going to be irrational
homophobes, go for the gold.
Man, I don't want to tell these people how to run their no queers allowed club, but it seems to me that Rule #1 would be no queers allowed. Like, is it just me or is this grudging, conditional acceptance of gays somehow worse than outright exclusion? Gay kids can join as long as they don't openly flaunt it and carry a rainbow flag? What the shit is that? Are the real Boy Scouts now facing an epidemic of gay scout flag waving? Can the other kids not hear themselves imitate bird calls over the deafening sound of gay? 

And what's with Stemberger's phrase 'has a same-sex attraction?' He makes it sound like a thing you have for a little while, and then it goes away. Like a bad cold, or acne. 
"Are you two sure you don't want to give it a couple days? See if it clears up? 
I think there's a cream you can-no? ...Alright, I now pronounce you gay married."
Yeah, that's the one. 
Look, like I said before, I don't actually give a shit about scouting. I think it's a sexist relic of the 19-'aughts and kids are better off playing Xbox, or if they must go outside, one of those games with a ball everyone seems to enjoy...the foot-ball or something? You know, the one with the net. But if you do have to wander around the woods with some jerk in a neckerchief, at least go with an organization that welcomes everybody, even if it did take them years of internal debate (and the threat of lawsuits) to get over their hang-ups.

Sure, Trail Life USA is technically open to (albeit reluctantly) LGBT membership, but it only exists because its founders wanted to ensure that no one had to share a kayak with a gay kid. That's just a shitty attitude. Isn't there a merit badge for being decent human beings?
No, but apparently they do give one for achieving a lunar orbit.
Incidentally, if you ever see a scout sporting one of these, go
ahead and punch them in the face for being a goddamned liar.