Peace through superior fire power!

'Are you Ted Nugent?' should be a
question on the background check.

Finally, noted musician and gun-toting lunatic Ted Nugent has at last weighed in on the implications for gun control in the wake of last week's massacre in Aurora, Colorado. Check out what he recently and incoherently tweeted:

"We pray for all victims&loved ones of demonshooter in CO& we SALUTE the brave warriors who saved lives IF only they would hav had a good gun,"

-Ted Nugent, jerked meat enthusiast

Yeah, it's hard to tell with Ted's tenuous grasp of the Queen's English, but I think he's saying that the shooting would have been avoided if only the crowded and darkened movie theater had been filled with well-armed vigilantes.

Of course! More fucking guns, why didn't I think of that?

Where I live. Deal with it.

Look, I'll admit that my opinion here is a little biased as I'm against guns, but I think we could end gun violence by not letting anyone have guns. Not criminals, not cops, no one. No guns for anyone: problem solved. Yes, I know I live in a magical fantasy land full of unicorns and wonder where everyone solves their problems by talking over tea and crumpets, but there it is. And before you accuse me of being naive, keep in mind that my unrealistic solution to the problem of gun violence (that is, no guns for anyone) is 100% more effective than Ted Nugent's solution to the problem of gun violence (i.e. guns for everyone) because my plan takes guns out of the equation.

Don't believe me? Want to see some numbers? Well, look no further than the fact that velociraptor attacks have been way down since the extinction of the velociraptor.

Above: Has this ever happened to you? No? Well then. Me: 1, Ted Nugent: 0.
(Yes, that's Bea Arthur fighting velociraptors in art, check it out)

'...and Lord, thank you for this bounty of
freshly- killed meat we are about to receive.
In Nugent's name we pray, YOWZA.'

Look, I don't have all the answers and I think it's important to keep in mind that there are two sides to everything. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that there are entire families out there who depend on Ted Nugent and his arsenal for mutton. It's true, check out this tweet from June:

'I killed a beautiful Aoudad sheep lastnite with my STI Perfect10mm so a needy family can celebrate the best delicious protein on earth YOWZA'

So yeah, my plan to eliminate all guns would obviously doom the family above to starvation, but hey, I'm a reasonable guy. There's probably some middle ground here right? I mean, I'll agree that people should be allowed to have guns to hunt for food and to defend themselves against King George III, if Ted's willing to admit that when they wrote the 2nd Amendment, no one saw semi-automatics coming. Deal?

The Constitution doesn't say you can't have an ICBM in your backyard,
so let's all agree that some reasonable restrictions are in order.