Friday, November 5, 2010

It's Guy Fawkes Night!

"Ello 'ello, what's all this then?"
Yeah, I'm not quite sure about the all the details but I am pretty sure this 'holiday' is further evidence that the UK is seriously deranged. Guy Fawkes Night is the British holiday celebrating the failed attempt by a bunch of English Catholics (including Guy Fawkes) to assassinate King James the I of England and VI of Scotland (he was like a double king). The assassins weren't just going for your typical everyday regicide, these blokes were going to blow up the King, the House of Lords and like six city blocks. The attempt was foiled when Fawkes was discovered guarding the cache of explosives under the Parliament building.

"It burns, it burns!
Please let me die..."

Ok, so great. Assassination foiled, let's celebrate. Wrong. So after torturing a confession out of Fawkes, he and his fellow conspirators were hanged drawn and quartered. Gross. Not content with leaving it at that, it then became a tradition to make effigies of Fawkes (called Guys, which is where we get the word 'guy' meaning some dude) and burn them in the streets. It's sort of like an Easter egg hunt, but instead of looking for plastic eggs filled with candy, the kids pretend they're roasting an enemy of the crown to death. Right then, good clean fun, that is! Sorry Britain, but you can't blame all your weirdness on ergot poisoning.

I know we've got some screwed up history in America, but man, British people love their public executions. Just watch any episode of the Tudors. When they're not doin' it, they're beheading someone in front of a jeering crowd of be-snaggletoothed (it's a word I just made up...) peasants. It's like Texas with pantaloons. So uh...anyway, happy Guy Fawkes Night...sickos.
-and one of history's most bewildering
casting decisions.
Henry the VIII of England, one of
history's fattest kings- 

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