Saturday, November 6, 2010

Let's do the time warp...again...

We may never know what a pelvic
thrust has to do with temporal
Tonight is the night when the Earth experiences the temporal anomaly known as the end of Daylight Savings Time. I'm no syentist,* but my understanding is this: At 2:00 am on Sunday the 7th, we're all supposed to set our timepieces back an hour...or at least we would if this weren't 2010 and people actually still owned timepieces. Instead, we'll just let Skynet alter our perception of time and enjoy an extra hour of open bars while our cell phones and ipads assure us that 1 o'clock is supposed to follow 2. That is of course unless you live in Arizona where much of the state doesn't believe in DST...losers.

Way to go, jackass,
now we all gotta learn German.
So, anyway in a very real, very lame sense, tonight the Earth itself becomes a time machine and we are all time travelers (albeit, lame ones). Tonight is the night we all embark on a voyage through time, putting things right which once went wrong and hoping each time that the next leap will be the leap home...Which reminds me, when reliving the 1 o'clock to 2 o'clock hour please don't do anything to alter the timeline. If movies and TV have taught us anything, it's that even the most well-intentioned time-travelers invariably cause the Nazis to win the war.

In honor of tonight's hiccup in space/time, here (for some reason) is a list of some of my all time favorite time machines:

If only they'd left Keanu
behind in Napoleonic France...

3) Bill and Ted's Phone Booth. For many practical reasons this is the stupidest way to travel through time. It's bulky, prone to break down and difficult to hide. I mean how are you going to explain a 20th century phone booth in the middle of the street during the Defenestrations of Prague (What? With a name like that you wouldn't go see it?). On the other hand, it belongs to George Carlin and can be repaired using pudding cups and gum.

Imagine showing up to the signing of the
Declaration of Independence in one of these.

2) The Klingon Bird of Prey from Star Trek IV. Yes, technically the Bird of Prey (or BoP) isn't designed as a time machine, and yes, on Star Trek any malfunctioning piece of technology can accidentally create a time hole. But the BoP is by far the most bad-ass time looking time machine ever. Ever. It's basically a giant metal space bird that spits photon torpedos and can be retrofitted to carry whales through time.

"Really Doctor? Anywhere in
time or space and you take
 me to a quarry?"

1) The TARDIS. Despite having a name that sounds like something 10 year olds call each other, the Doctor's time machine is also a psychic spaceship/universal translator that's impervious to virtually all known weapons and Mongolians. And thanks to Doctor Who being a bit more Fy than Sy,* it's somehow bigger on the inside, containing two control rooms, a library, a swimming pool, a multi-storey wardrobe and presumably a Pinkberry.

Honorable mention:

While not really a time machine, Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day ends up in a time loop simply by being a prick. The exact cause of time travel is never fully explained in the film, but I have a theory: You see, wanton douchebaggery causes a build up of tachyon particles which can cause one to become unstuck in linear time. The only way to counter act the effects is to become a better person and then sleep with Andie MacDowell. It has something to do physics I guess...

*TM 2009 SyFy Channel

1 comment:

  1. Did I ever tell you about the time I zipped up Andie MacDowell's dress? Aparently she's incapable of properly clothing herself and I'm incapbable of letting people wander around unknowingly half naked. True story. Now where's my freaking time loop? Or get-out-of-time-loop-free card. Either way.