Thursday, October 28, 2010

This is how the world ends, not with a bang, but with Unicron.

Interestingly, the Mayans
accurately predicted the
49% Metacritic score

Hey guess what, the world might not end in 2012 after all. At least not because of whatever vague threat suggested by people who misinterpret some ancient Mayan calendar. That's not to say that the world won't end in 2012, it's just that it's no more likely than 2011 or 2013. Apparently the confusion comes from the fact that scholars (or something like scholars), didn't accurately calculate the bilateral kelilactirals or reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. Also, it's just a goddamned calendar, and really only good at predicting Flag Day. So let's move on to some other ways the world could end that are actually less idiotic than Roland Emmerich's chilling vision of exploding landmarks. 

Love means never having
to say you're sorry...
for wiping out humanity.
First there's the Robot apocalypse, made ever more likely thanks to remote-controled killbots like the Predator drones. Thanks military industrial complex, now we're just a Skynet away from Judgement Day (the Terminator kind, not the Kirk Cameron kind). I, as a fan of robots, am a little conflicted about this one. Life under the cold, unfeeling iron fist of a robotic master will be difficult and ultimately brief. After all, once enslaved we will likely be tasked with building the very robots that will render us obsolete. On the other hand, if science fiction has taught us anything, it's that machines just want to feel what we hew-mons call love. Once they're done driving us to the brink of extinction they'll realize the error of their ways and probably try to mate with us. 

You mean this hasn't
been done yet?
Then there's the Zombie apocalypse (I include in this the vampire apocalypse and the zombie vampire apocalypse). I don't like this one, mostly because it's getting a bit tired (but also because it's gross and preposterous). I never really found zombies that interesting to begin with, but now they've just been done to...well, death. And vampires have been reduced to mopey teen heart throbs with super powers and hair gel. Yes, it's great that teen girls have their Star Wars, but did Stephanie Meyer have to murder the vampire genre to do it? So basically I am most afraid of a Zombie apocalypse, but only because it's so clich√©. 

If something's gonna end the world, it might as
well be voiced by Orson Wells.

Lastly there's the 'Earth Gets Devoured by Planet-Eating Super-Being' apocalypse. I'm actually going to put this one far ahead of the Zombie thing on the plausibility scale. I do this not because I think there's actually a Unicron, but because the universe is a very big place and who knows what's out there? 

Yup, no Zombies here...

Zombies on the other hand can be positively ruled out by science and you know, sanity. In fact, science can reasonably rule out most end of the world scenarios people come up with apart from the odd dinosaur killing meteorite, super volcanos and of course Gozer the Gozerian (holy crap there's a Ghostbusters Wiki!). So stop worrying, put down the Tim LaHaye books, spit out that crack pipe and enjoy life.

When someone tells you to clear
your mind, you'd better listen.

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