Tuesday, October 11, 2011

It's Federation Day 2011!

Hey fellow nerds, it's October 11th and you know what that means: Federation Day is here again! I hope you all sent out your cards.

Sure, they wear adult onsies, but they've mastered faster than light travel, teleportation
and communication with alien life forms. What've you got?
If you didn't know, Federation Day is a geeky holiday celebrating the future founding of the Federation on Star Trek. Seriously? You didn't read my explanation last year? Fine. Here, read this, I'll wait. With me? Great. Here are three new ways you can ring in another year of bland, spandex-clad, futuristic utopia:

Ricardo Montaban is 100%
Fine Corinthian Leather.
1) Mate outside your species! According to Star Trek, the galaxy is full of millions of planets that look amazingly like the Paramount Studios backlot and are populated with beings exactly like humans except with Elephant Man disease localized entirely on their foreheads. So if you're into that sort of thing, go for it. Also, by some miracle, species who evolved on entirely different planets can interbreed and somehow produce hybrid offspring like Spock (Human/Vulcan), Counselor Troi (Human/Betazoid) and Khan (Human/Baseball Glove).

In some ways, I suppose
it's kind of a bleak future.
2) Abandon money! In the future, we'll all have access to replicators which can convert energy into matter. Want a sandwich? Replicate it. Need a violin after the violin store has closed? No prob, the replicator can do that too. Booze? Yeah, 'cept that. They're all about Synthehol® in the 24th century. It's a fake non-endrunkening alcohol they drink on Star Trek TNG because in the future we'll have evolved beyond the need for fun. Anyway, thanks to the end of scarcity, money will go the way of Blockbuster and we'll all work to improve ourselves and the human race.

"Streaming video? Psscht, our customers prefer the personal touch of the 'ol timey video rental. 
Where else can you probably find what your looking for, assuming it's not rented out? 
Also, we have Pop Rocks. Can't stream those, no sir."
-Blockbuster CEO Jim Keys, 2007
(not pictured: Jim cleaning out his desk)
No liquor and no money? Hard to believe? Maybe, but this is a TV show about people hanging out with aliens and flying around in spaceships, so let's see some willing suspension of disbelief here, ok? Back to the list:

I have a hard time believing this thing
would be used for anything other than sex.
3) Have sex on the Holodeck! What? Yes, there's a room on starships where you can create programmable versions of any person living or dead, real or fictional from all of history and from hundreds of worlds. You can play sports, dress up like Sherlock Holmes and solve mysteries, or you can holo-bone 'till your heart's content. The best part is it's self-cleaning with any unwanted...um, matter...being broken down into its constituent atoms and recycled. Kinda makes you wonder about the hot Earl Grey tea you just ordered from the replicator... Scyence!

Of course, the holodeck does raise some ethical questions. Are the holo-characters alive and if so what happens when you switch them off? Could people become addicted to the holodeck? And most vexing, how did Commander Riker manage to keep his job?

This enlightened 24th century man spends like all his off-time making out with
what amounts to a holographic blow-up-doll. Gross.

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