Monday, December 6, 2010

It's all over.

Wall-E: Adorable children's movie,
or chilling vision of things to come?
Well, so much for human civilization. Look upon this and despair. It's called Forever Lazy and it is concrete proof that we've reached the end and done so in total comfort. Rome had the Vandals (these ones, not these ones), dinosaurs had the asteroid, and we have Forever Lazy. Why do the end days come wrapped in 100% anti-pill polar fleece? Settle down, I'm getting there.

These dofus's (dofi?) have just out
done anything you have or ever will
First, let us consider the premise: it's a onesie for adults. A couple of geniuses from Milwaukee named Dave Hilber and Tyler Galganski thought to themselves: "Hey, you know what I miss? Infancy." And no, I am not being sarcastic when I call them geniuses. They're the Marks Zuckerberg of the shapeless people warmer industry and it is they who shall feast upon the rotting corpse of America's self-respect. What? To harsh? They just made 100 billion dollars (an approximate estimate) while you were reading this.

In the 50's, hatlessness
was a capital offense.

At first glance it's one of those so-stupid-why-didn't-I-think-of-it inventions like the snuggie (spoiler alert: it's a backwards robe), or penicillin. But the more I think about it the more I realize that these guys are on the cutting edge of people not trying anymore. They have correctly predicted the next rung on the devolutionary ladder of not giving a shit about one's appearance. In the 1950's it was suit, tie and hat. By 1975 the suit had given way to the leisure suit. By the 2000's pajama bottoms became acceptable casual wear. Dyler Hilbanski (for they are now one) have seen the future and it is flame resistant baggy unitards in four stylish colors (including grey!).

Get used to this. 

But wait, there's more! If you order now (And I mean right now, don't you waste another god damn minute) you get free matching footsies and a neck pillow. That's right, thanks to Forever Lazy, you no longer have to support your own head weight. Now, that's luxury. Of course, over time this will leave us limp necked and vulnerable to ape uprising, but hey, there are worse ways to go.

The only real flaw I can see is that they didn't take the idea far enough. You see abject laziness and comfort are great and all, but people still have to expel waste. What a pain. To take the edge off, the designers included (and I am quoting from the website): "...Zippered Hatches in Front and Back for Great Escapes When Duty Calls." What the hell does that mean? I'll tell you:
The Great Escape is a 1963 film starring Steve McQueen. It's about POWs escaping from a Nazi camp.  Duty refers to, you know, poop. This is what the French call a "bon mot." Yes, Forever Lazy's website might be rich with subtle humor, double entendres and literate metaphors, but you still have to crap like a hat-wearing barbarian.

"Now Doctor Kynes, tell me more
 about these fecal pouches."
Dune, Act I sc. III
I am taking this opportunity to announce my answer to the Forever Lazy called the Barely Alive.* Unlike the toiletless Forever Lazy, my new Barely Alive* will include a catheter and colostomy bag (for you nerds out there, think of the Stillsuit from Dune). That's right friends, no longer will you have to walk all the way to the bathroom to let "Steve McQueen" out of the "POW camp." Operators are standing by! Advantage: Me.

*patent pending

1 comment:

  1. The Barely Alive should feed you as well, thus completing the circle end to end, if ya know what I'm sayin. I'm sayin you should shit AND eat in it.