To Explore Strange Newt Worlds...

'...to boldly bone...'

Is Newt Gingrich is the next Kennedy? Yes, at least in the sense that they're both adulterers who love the space program. Check out this article about President Newt's plans for a moon base by the year 2020 and manned missions to Mars shortly thereafter. Wow, I am more than a little bit enqueasened by the fact that this pudgy, homophobic Presidential hopeful shares my hopes for space exploration.


I mean how is it even possible that he's all about space and the future and stuff? He's a Republican and Republicans hate things like science and working together, what gives? I'll tell you: Two things give.

Behold: The Newt Gingrich Memorial Moon Base circa 2037. It's has a landing pad,
research lab and a special radiation-proof bunker where astronauts can ride out their sex scandals.

GIPPER SMASH COMMUNISM!

First: every member of the GOP wants to be Ronald Reagan. It's a scientific fact. And what is Reagan famous for? Transforming into the Incredible Hulk and smashing the Berlin Wall to pieces thus single-handedly ending the Cold War. But by destroying Communism forever he left later Republicans without an arch enemy to fight. With China's space program threatening our ownership of the sky, Newt can finally live out his Reaganautical fantasy of kicking communist ass at something.

Get a job hippies!

Reason number two? Unsurprisingly it's money. Yeah, Newt Gingrich isn't so much about slipping the surly bonds of Earth and touching the face of God because it will expand our knowledge of the universe, no, Newt's in it for the cold hard latinum. You see NASA with it's philosophy of science for the betterment of mankind is clearly for left-wingers who hate capitalism, so Gingrich wants to offer a $10 billion prize* for whatever faceless corporation can successfully put the first human on Mars.

A cash prize might be a great motivation, but the jump between a company being the first to make it to Mars and said company saying it now owns Mars is a short one. Commercializing the final frontier just seems kind of wrong. When we do finally meet aliens, I'd rather they deal with our elected leaders or the planet's brightest scientific minds and not Disney's Chief VP in charge of Imagineering.

'We came in peace...for Staples.'

-First Human on Mars, 2074

* I'm not sure where he thinks we'll get 10 billion dollars to hand out to a company that already had enough money to fund a Mars mission. I suspect he'll try to sell California.