The Theory of Boba Fett

It's barely a pseudo-science.

Rick Santorum has been chosen as this week's 'Republican the news thinks might be the GOP nominee' because...well, I think they're taking turns or something. Anyway, out of morbid curiosity I looked him up and of course he, like the other ones is all about Intelligent Design being taught alongside evolution in science class presumably because it has 'intelligent' in the name and intelligent means smart. Science is smart, so Intelligent Design is science, right? Still with me? Sigh. I'd like to call them anti-science, but I'm actually beginning to suspect that Republicans, as a group, are unclear as to exactly what science is. 

"Pssch...Science? Really, it's whatever you want it to be."

-Rick Santorum

Each and every helix has been hand
twisted. Now that's craftsmanship! 

In an editorial he wrote he said this: "...[I]ntelligent design is a legitimate scientific theory that should be taught in science class." No. No it's not and no it fucking shouldn't. Science should be taught in science class. Science starts with an observation of the world around us and asks 'what's up with that?' Intelligent Design on the other hand looks at the complexity of life, scratches its head and goes: 'Gee, science is hard. Maybe God made everything.' Fine. People have beliefs, that's cool. But those beliefs are not science. Science is science.

Intelligent Design is more like a warm fuzzy for people who find their beliefs shaken by the cold open palm slap of science, a Forever Lazy for world views if you will. ID (as the cool kids call it) is only true if you believe it really hard.

Just like unicorns.

Behold, the pit into which
Fett pratfell to his death.

In this way, it's a lot like the Expanded Universe Star Wars fiction that brings Boba Fett* back from the dead. What's that? You have a life and don't follow my analogy? Ok, I'll explain. Fan favorite bounty hunter Boba Fett made a huge impression on audiences in The Empire Strikes Back.† The kids loved him. In Return of the Jedi however, he only shows up for a hot second before a blind Han Solo inadvertently causes a jetpack malfunction that sends the cunning Mandalorian hilariously flailing into the gaping maw of the Sarlacc. Wah-wah, so much for Boba Fett.

Bullshit.

-Me

Grief-stricken fan boys however, clung to the hope that Fett would return somehow in Star Wars Episode VII: The Return of the Revenge of the Bounty Hunter Striking Back. But since this never happened, it was up to the authors of the Star Wars novels to fish him out of the Sarlacc's digestive tract for more wacky adventures. There's nothing in Return of the Jedi (yet) to suggest that such an escape was even possible much less likely. But if you want to believe that Boba Fett repaired his jet pack and Rocketeered his way out, then good on ya. Me? I'd prefer to think of him as fertilizing the soil of Tatooine along with the corpses of Jabba the Hutt, Salacious Crumb and the hope that George Lucas will let Joss Whedon adapt Timothy Zahn's Thrawn Trilogy for the screen (neeerrrd). 

"Man, being gravity is bo-ring."
                                             -Angels

Look, science doesn't say the formation of the universe wasn't guided by some supreme being, it can't, it wouldn't be science if it did. The whole point of science is that it deals with provable facts based on data and repeatable experiments. Unless Google Earth spots a '-by God' signature or deposits of the heretofore undiscovered element god-onium, science classes shouldn't be telling kids about 'intelligent designers.' On the same note, teachers shouldn't have to tell kids that gravity might be a result of the Earth's mass but that it might also be the result of invisible angels holding us down.

I'm not calling them idiots for believing in Intelligent Design,
I'm calling them assholes for insisting we teach kids it's the same thing as science.

"Oh, evolution's just a theory,
like math or gay people."

-Sarah Palin

You'll notice that of the Republicans who want to be President of Real America not one of them seems capable of referring to evolution without reminding everyone with a knowing wink that it's only a theory. But what the hell does where we came from have to do with being President? My guess is nothing, but since most Americans don't have stock portfolios and yachts, it's how Republicans connect to their fan base. 'Don't let them scientists make you feel stupid with their evolution theory. Vote for me, I'm agin' it too.'

Even scienceticians would agree that we can't be absolutely certain about everything. I mean, we weren't there at the Big Bang. But then, we weren't there for a lot of things that have happened since the dawn of time, so we go by the best evidence he have. The best evidence we have about the origins of life points to evolution through natural selection. Intelligent Design is, scientifically speaking, just a load of politically motivated horseshit.

The 'Theory of the American Revolution' suggests that colonists waged a war of independence against the English King. Of course the U.S. might also have been founded by people from the future riding dinosaurs and fighting with lasers. We just don't know for sure.

*Does anyone else think Boba Fett is over-rated? I mean he has like eight minutes of screen time, three of which are devoted to his ignominious plummet into the pit of Carkoon. I think people just like his helmet.

†Actually his first appearance was in the Holiday Special. Yeah, the Star Wars Holiday Special. The one with Bea Arthur.