Thursday, February 25, 2016

What, are you pro-lion attack?

Seriously Texas? This is why the rest of us think you're the crazy state. Huh? To what specific aspect of Texas crazy am I referring? Why to the concealed weapons law that will go into effect in August and no, it's not a law that bans concealed weapons, it's a law that legalizes concealed weapons...wait for it...on college campuses.
Well I don't see how adding guns to the
scenario above could possible turn out badly...
Of course there are many reasons
to avoid the Sunshine State.
So the obvious question here is what's wrong with the State of Texas? Well, probably lots. Remember that time their governor tried to fight a drought with prayer? But all the states have their quirks. It's illegal in New Jersey to pump your own gas, and there's a bunch of states where you can straight up shoot someone if you think they might be coming at you. It's called standing your ground, and it's a great reason never to travel to Florida. But let's get back to why Texas lawmakers think it's totally cool for students to pack heat.

By LaPierre's reasoning,
shouldn't wars be like, super-safe?
It's part of the Wayne LaPierre school of how to prevent gun violence. If you're unfamiliar, it's boils down to the idea that the solution to gun violence is more fucking guns. Wait, how does that work? That's a good question, and I'm glad I pretended you asked. You know how we have a lot of shootings in America? Well we do. There was one today in Kansas as a matter of fact. Anyway, the idea is that in the event of an 'active shooter' or 'asshole on a rampage' as they are also known, an armed student or students could go all John McClane and save the day.

A brilliant and well-thought out plan, right? Sure. I mean, obviously gun ownership in the State of Texas is contingent upon rigorous training in combat tactics and hostage situations, isn't it? Because if it's not, encouraging college kids to carry guns and act like vigilantes might have unforeseen consequences. Wait, did I say unforeseen? I mean blindingly obvious and catastrophic consequences.
Consequences like what happens when armed students
find out that the required text for Chem II is $350. Used. 
The evolutionary time-scale: Worth
dying for? No. Killing for, absolutely.
The new law also has the administration of The University of Houston concerned about professors covering certain topics in class for fear that a heated academic debate might turn shooty and are advising faculty to avoid them. What kind of topics? Well, gun control might be a big one. Oh, and this is Texas, so suggesting the Earth is more than six-thousand years old and that dinosaur bones weren't buried by the devil to trick us might get a geology professor kneecapped. Yup, in addition to stifling free and open debate, the new law also means faculty can now look forward to fearing for their lives while at work.

"Go Cougars!"
-Some escaped lion
Look, I'm not saying that responsible gun-owners are responsible for mass shootings like the one in Kansas today or the accidental beer-pong-related ones of the near future, but letting students carry guns just in case a lunatic opens fire, seems, I don't know, idiotic? It'd be like arming everyone with tranquilizer darts just in case a lion gets loose. While it's not impossible that a lion might get loose and wander over to the UH campus, it's just not likely and mostly you're going to have a bunch of college kids getting high on lion tranquilizer.

Anyway, I suspect the NRA will be issuing a statement in the next 24-48 hours explaining to us how today's shooting in Kansas wouldn't have happened if the factory workers and other assorted passersby who were injured or killed were better armed, so like, stay tuned for that one.
Pictured: NRA president Wayne LaPierre sporting the haircut you
get when you walk into Fantastic Sams and say 'give me an Adolf.'*

*to be clear, I'm not comparing Wayne LaPierre to the leader of the Third Reich, just his stupid hair cut, which, let's be honest here, is rather Hitlerian.

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