Monday, February 1, 2016

Today in also-rans...

Pictured: Martin O'Malley at the second
Dem-wait, I swear he was right there... 
Sorry everybody, the dream is dead. Yup Martin O'Malley has dropped out of the race after only winning just one percent of the Iowa Caucus-huh? Wait, which isn't ringing a bell, O'Malley or the Iowa Caucus? Both? Ok, um, Martin O'Malley was the guy at the Democratic debates who wasn't Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders and kept talking about how awesome Maryland is. Also he looks like every fictional President in a movie that's not set in the future. He was sort of...generic...

Ok, fine, they may have had a point...
The Iowa Caucuses are sort of like primary elections except needlessly more complicated. It's part of that ridiculous electoral college bullshit in which we just choose the electors who may, or may not, elect the President for us in November all because the founding fathers didn't think we could be trusted to make a reasoned, informed decision. Anyway, Iowa's caucus is the first every election cycle and because of this, it tends to carry extra weight. Huh? Political weight not actual-I'm not calling all Iowa fat, give me a little credit.

Apart from the weird notion that being in the rough geographical center of the county in some way gives Iowans a claim to being more typically American than the rest of us, it sort of makes sense that today's caucuses have a greater impact that other state primaries. Since they're early, a poor showing today can let a campaign know whether or not it's worth it to keep going which, as Martin O'Malley discovered, it's not.
They're giving 101%! Wait a minute...
2%? Looks like you
just got Huckapunched. 
Speaking of people we totally forgot were even running and have now dropped out, did you know that noted gaycist and Chic-fil-A spokesdick Mike Huckabee was running for the GOP nomination again? He and like thirty or forty other nominees were beat out by Ted Cruz today with Huckabee only taking 2% of the vote. Yeah, two percent. The only one to do worse was Rick Santorum and he once compared Obamacare to apartheid.

"FML, this blows! #ImWithBurR"
Huckabee's announcement came in the form of a Tweet:

"I am officially suspending my campaign. Thank you all for your loyal support. #ImWithHucK"

-The 22 year-old intern Huckabee's 
Campaign uses to run the tweeterbooks 

Twitter of course, being the traditional forum for failed Presidential campaigns since Aaron Burr's loss to Thomas Jefferson in 1800. 

So like, so long Martin O'Malley and Mike Huckabee. One we hardly knew, and the other we wish we'd never heard of. Hey, is anyone else kind of bummed out by by the fact that we're looking at another like ten months of this? 
Holy shit, let's just choose a king...

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