Wednesday, February 17, 2016

And yet there's still no Willow 2...

Wait, what? Did you know that there's a Kindergarten Cop 2? No, of course you didn't, me neither. Somehow news of this instant classic slipped right past us.

Finally, the story of what happened after Kindergarten Cop 1, can be told.
Pictured: Hijinks. 
The original Kindergarten Cop, as I'm sure you remember-oh, wait, maybe you don't, I mean, why would you? It was a relatively obscure Ivan Reitman comedy starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a cop who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to prevent a drug dealer from kidnapping his estranged son and- did I mention this is a comedy? The humor comes from the fact that the new kindergarten teacher is a man. A male teacher? Whaaaaat? Hilarity ensues!

Kindergarten Cop was one of Schwarzenegger's attempts to broaden his appeal by doing comedy and family films like Twins, Junior and Jingle All the Way, although this one does-spoiler alert-end with a shoot out in the school's locker-room and the drug dealer slumped in the corner in a pool of his own blood. Also, I think the school's ferret eats part of his face. And no, I'm not making that last part up. 
I didn't see it, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure Jingle All The Way ends
with him garroting a mall santa while saying something like "Lights out Kringle...
I got it! A pregnant Jean Claude van Damme
starring in Junior 2. Holy shit, movies are easy!
Anyway, back to the matter at hand: Kindergarten Cop 2: The Legend Continues. According to the trailer, this sequel, starring Dolph Lundgren, takes the original's premise-that of an undercover cop pretending to be a school teacher and cleverly turns it on its head by casting a slightly different 1980's action-movie northern European man-slab in the role. Other than that, it's kind of the same movie. Oh, but this time Dolph-wait, did I already mention Dolph Lundgren? 

Oh, I did? Well, then I guess it's exactly the same movie, but like I said, with Dolph Ludgren. Because the craft of acting is alive and well in American cinema.   
"I've seen things you wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder
off Orion. I've watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.
All these moments will be lost in time, like Time to die."

-Kindergarden Cop 3, starring Rutger Hauer

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