Have I mentioned that I don't like this guy?

Sorry kid, It might as well have been
Uncle Sam himself who you knocked you up.

Hey conservative voters, Rick Perry is everything GOP pollsters have determined you want in a Presidential candidate! He's religious, he loves guns and he's one of America's whitest men. Where does he stand on the issues? Let's see: Abortion? Perry is a firm believer that the government should stay the hell out of our lives unless you're pregnant, in which case your uterus becomes U.S. Government Property. Evolution? That's just a bunch of librul horseshit. Climate change? What are you, some kind of queer?

Ah, the holy tradition of game
show matrimony...

Oh, speaking of which it's official: he's also anti-gay! Before, he just sort frowned on gayness from a position of leathery-faced moral superiority and said marriage equality was a 'states' rights' thing like choosing a state bird or succeeding from the Union. But now he's signed a pledge to protect not only the sanctity of traditional marriage but also to protect gay people from the burdens of equal rights and protections under the law. What a guy.



Did I mention that he's also super-Christian? I did? Well he is and not in that 'I have my beliefs and respect yours' live-and-let-live kind of way. No, he's more of a 'United States of Jesus: love it or leave it' guy. In fact, in a giant middle-finger to atheists, agnostics and really anyone who supports the separation of church and state, he once ordered the entire State of Texas to pray for rain. P.S. It didn't work.

Dear God, 

Please send us rain to end this terrible drought you 

inflicted upon us out of your infinite love.

Thanks, 

The State of Texas.

While scholars have long debated
the authenticity of the pool number,
this scene is fairly accurate overall.

The Founding Fathers weren't being dicks when they wrote the First Amendment, it's just that they understood how shit like the Inquisition gets started. This is basic stuff man. I mean, I know this is Texas we're talking about, but still, should this guy have really gotten as far as he has? Sometimes I wonder if he isn't some kind of focus-group created caricature of a right-wing nut-job designed to make less crazy town Republican candidates seem less raging.



Anyway, I realize that right now Texas is in the middle of some epic wildfires that are completely not under control and I get that Governor Perry has left the campaign trail to squint heroically at the conflagration, but I can still think he's full of shit, right? I mean, it doesn't make me a bad person, does it?

Probably the worst President since Buchanan,
but at least he had a better plan than 'pray for rain.'