Holy Crap!

Did you know that there's a War in Heaven? And that it's today?! I had no idea so it's a good thing this postcard/flyer thing showed up in the mail:

In other startling junk mail: there's an anniversary sale at Kohl's.

Take an additional 30% off everything!

Yeah, Satan still has better cover art.

It's an invitation to 'an amazing journey with Presenter Otavio McKenzie.' I don't really know who this person is (a google search turned up surprisingly little useful info) or what his amazing journey is all about but the topics of discussion (God on Trial, Jesus: Legend or Legacy, The Anatomy of Sin) leads me to suspect that this is not, as the postcard art might imply, a kick-ass metal concert. In fact, it smells pretty churchy. Also, judging by Otavio's title of 'Presenter' I think we can be pretty sure the dude is packing some serious PowerPoint. Out of morbid curiosity, I investigated further.

Maybe it doesn't violate copyright
if you frame it with a tiny TV?

I went to the website, but most of it is 'under construction' which is kind of disappointing because the war is like, today. You'd think they'd be more on top of what is surely one of the most important imaginary events ever. One thing that is up and running* (not anymore, see below) is this little trailer for the apocalypse which seems to be stitched together from '2012,' 'The Day After Tomorrow' and the Tom Cruise version of 'War of the Worlds.' So either we need to be on the lookout for an end-times trifecta of sudden ice ages, earthquakes and Martian Tripods or armageddon is going to be a clip show.


And then there's this newsletter thing, which I've tried to read a couple of times now, but can't seem to make it through. It's got something to do with dragons and the Ark of the Covenant, which according to that documentary, Raiders of the Lost Ark, is a golden box with the power to melt any Nazi foolish enough to crack it open.

"Ach! Mein Gott! I vas hoping for einen nice surprise or maybe some chocolate, 
but instead mine face ist melting. Vat a disappointment."

-Some Nazi who opened the wrong magic box

Now there's a lunatic you can get behind.
His bullshit ruined lives.

So a broken website, intellectual copyright infringement and some murky biblical fanfic? I love a good crazy doomsday prediction as much as the next guy, but this War in Heaven thing is pretty disappointing. Remember Harold Camping and the 5-21-11 people? Billboards, ads on the sides of buses, a functional website. They had people selling their homes and giving away their savings, and Camping had already incorrectly predicted the end like twice already. That's dedication. What's Otavio got? A slide show and some folding chairs?

Maybe next time think about using dry erase markers?

*Update! It looks like the awesome trailer has been removed. If you click on the video section you just get a message saying: 'Under Construction.' Bummer.