Thursday, May 19, 2011

How are you going to spend your penultimate day on Earth?

"Get ready to writhe in the lake of
fire you hellbound fornicators!"

-Harold Camping*
All right doomsayers, tomorrow is the penultimate day of the world. I hope everyone is ready for the moment when we settle once and for all which religion is correct and which are just a whole bunch of blasphemous horseshit for which believers will suffer an eternity of torment. I guess that's what we all get for not buying seats on Harold Camping's crazy train. What were we thinking anyway? I mean obviously God hid the exact date and time (EST, of course) of the Rapture in the modern English translation of the Bible and centuries of scholars and theologians just missed it until Camping came along. Oh well, sucks to be us.

Anyway, I for one wasn't exactly sure what to expect on Saturday when Camping's drunken prediction totally comes true, so I consulted the internet. This is what I found:

Well that clears it up...

My favorite is the part where god
stomps us like grapes and then feeds
us to birds. Can you feel the love?
If I'm reading this correctly, the four horses will ride in with seven trumpets and then there's some kind of Triceratops thing and a couple of bowls full of judgement and then something about a magic pony with a sword and then you have to fight a dragon, I think it might be the Dragon Lord (which sucks 'cause he's got like a ton of HP). I don't know, you figure it out. Here's the link, good luck. Look, this is the end of the world, why couldn't they make it simple? Check out the chart below. Better, right?

Now,  you're playing with power!
Alone, in the basement, while the other kids are getting exercise and fresh air.
Oh well, I made my choice.

This would work too.
This is the Nintendo Power fold-out guide for River City Ransom. Simple, clean, clear. Why can't the Bible be more like Nintendo Power? I mean, if god really wants to go through some kind of elaborate production just to end the world shouldn't it at least make sense? And for that matter, why go through all the monsters and seals and trumpets when you all you need is an asteroid or a zombie plague or something? I don't know, sometimes the simplest Apocalypse is the best one.

Behold The Beast: Miniboss of the Apocalypse.
He hates smoke, so use bombs to defeat him.

*p.s. Yeah, that's not an actual quote, and it's not an actual picture of Harold Camping. It's Orville Redenbacher, who kind of looks like Camping if you squint. Also, I like to imagine he sounds like Don Knotts.

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