Sunday, May 22, 2011


Hey, guess what didn't end!


On the downside, we're still stuck with
this guy...for a little while anyway.

It's May 22nd and if you're reading this it means that the apocalypse didn't happen as predicted by Harold Camping and gin. Sorry to disappoint you rapture fans out there but it looks like you're going to have to wait a little longer to watch in comfort as billions of your fellow human beings suffer the horrors of Armageddon for not believing exactly as you do.

This is what you get for
watching movies with swears.

Speaking of which, what is wrong with these people anyway? I'm no theologian, but the whole rapture/armageddon thing seems pretty jacked (are the kids still saying 'jacked'?). As I understand it (and I don't), they're actually looking forward to the world ending in a cataclysmic orgy of Emmerich-esque es'plosions and eternal torment for people who didn't hate the gays hard enough or voted Democrat. Does anyone else find this messed-up?

Run faster, God's love
is gaining on you!

I mean, what is their deal anyway? Pretend for a moment that you're God as imagined by millions of conservative evangelical christians. You have unlimited control of time, space and reality and you're unhappy with the way we're all behaving. Is destruction on a planetary scale really the only option open to you? Hasn't God ever heard of a surgical strike? Isn't he supposed to be the good guy?

"And he that believeth in me
shall know Bat-Justice. Amen."

-Book of Wayne 11:25

Take Batman for example. When the Riddler takes Gotham City's movers and shakers hostage at the Natural History Museum fund-raiser (as so often happens), does Batman crash through the skylight with a couple bat-uzis and mow down everything that moves? No. He knocks out the henchmen with a ricocheting bat-a-rang before out-riddling the Riddler in some sort of riddle contest. Fund-raiser: saved. Movers and shakers: un-murdered. That's how good guys role.

Look, I know it's not my place to criticize how other people live their lives (I know, novel, right?), but for real. Why do people have to take a perfectly good message about not being a dick and build all this crazy mythology around it? Can't we all be nice to each other without the threat of Tim LaHaye's shitty airport bookstore novels coming true?

 On the other hand, the Apocalypse is totally metal.

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