Saturday, May 14, 2011

Onward San Francisco

Hi, I'm not dead, I just moved. I've left San Francisco for slightly more southerly climes in hopes of finding a parking space some day. Well, technically I only worked in San Francisco, the only way to afford an apartment that's actually in the city is to find like 4 or 5 roommates on Craigslist and hope to hell they don't kill and eat you. I love SF, I really do, but like any giant clot of humans, it's got its ups and downs.

Abandon all hope, ye who park here.

Also, it's got one of these.

In the plus column it's a shining liberal utopia that's into environmentalism, equality, and sourdough bread. It's what the rest of America would be like if a certain judgmental pack of bible-thumpers would just get raptured already (come on 5/21/11!) and leave the rest of us alone. They have parties at the Natural History Museum. How awesome is that? I went to one once, it was a delightful combination of over-priced booze, DJ's and earth science.

On the other hand, if you're reading this, you, like me, are probably not cool enough for San Francisco. In fact reading this is probably significantly lowering your stock. You should probably stop now and pretend we've never met.

If you know what these are, roll them and then subtract the total from your coolness score.  

"Television? I only listen to NPR on a
compostable radio an artist friend made
for me out PBR cans and irony."
Places like New York and L.A. have a reputation for being full of phonies, but San Francisco is full of reallies. What the hell is a 'really'? Since I just made it up, allow me to explain. A phony thinks they're better than you because they only eat carbon-neutral hormone-free food but they drive a Land Rover half a block to Trader Joe's to buy it. Also, they park across three handicap spots and leave the engine idling. A 'really' actually is better than you because they're bike-riding vegans who don't own a television and compost their own waste. I think they're an offshoot of hipsters, but with slightly more credibility. Same stupid facial hair though.

Some people would take this as a sign. 
But if you think San Francisco is all hippies and pot-cookies, you should also know that San Franciscans are in fact incredibly bad-ass. As if to give Poseidon, god of earthquakes and the sea the middle finger, they built the city on seven active fault lines. Seven. Actually they re-built on seven fault lines. In 1906 Poseidon gave this place a pretty good shellacking and in response they re-built on the smoking remains. Also, all the best hard-boiled detective and suspension-destroying cop-chase movies were filmed there. So, suck on it every other city in America.

In San Francisco we believe in marriage equality, universal healthcare and
sticking it to those fat asses down at city hall. We get results. 

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