Monday, April 8, 2013

Theocracy now!

Sweet mother of jinkies! According to this poll, 32% of Americans think that we should pass an amendment establishing Christianity as the official religion of the U.S. Thirty-goddamn-two percent? One in three? Is that even real?
Above: one in three people make very poor decisions regarding
facial hair, and there's never been support for a balbo amendment.
Bill of Rights Fun Fact: The 3rd Amendment
requires every American to punch a Canadian
at least one in their life. Go on, look it up.
Ok, so the First Amendment says that the government can't actually establish a state religion and on the upside it looks like 68% of the country is totally fine with that. So, rest easy secular agnosto-humanistic Vulcantologists, we're in no danger of throwing away 230 years of legal precedent just because a bunch of Neds Flanders (it's like mothers-in-law) paused the The Bible Miniseries long enough to take a survey, but still... I mean, you kind of have to wonder who are the people that came up with this poll and what did they hope to accomplish other than asking people pointless and divisive questions?

"All those in favor of House Resolution 994: On declaring Christianity
the one true faith and telling everyone else to suck it, please say aye."
Deluded. They're deluded. The Earth
is billions of years old. Fact. 
I mean, other than pissing people off, what would there possibly be to gain? If Christianity was America's official opiate of the masses what would that even mean for people? Would Christians get 10% off at Denny's? Some kind of tax break? A special diamond lane? That doesn't seem fair to the rest of us. And exactly what kind of Christian are we talking about here? Do they mean Protestants, Catholics, whatever the hell Young Earth Creationists are? What? There's like fifty flavors of Christian and they're not exactly known for turning their other cheeks and getting along.

Mmm..tastes like religious persecution.
Clearly 32% of those polled didn't do very well in history class or else they'd remember that from 1517 up until whenever discotechs were invented, the number one hobby in Europe was murdering each other over things like what communion wafers are made of and who should wear the tallest Pope hat. Before she was a cocktail, Bloody Mary was a Catholic Queen of England who liked to set Protestants on know...for Jesus. Shit like that is one of the many reasons the powdered wig enthusiasts who wrote the Constitution steered clear of picking a state religion in the first place.

What? People drive like assholes in
two-dimensions, do we really
want to add another?
Look, I'm not saying people are crazy* because they believe in things, but people can be crazy about their beliefs. Thanks poll, but we already knew that. Of course many Christians would love it if Christianity was the official religion, just like I'd love it if we all had hover cars, it doesn't mean these are good ideas. All this poll did was point out that 32% of respondents are unclear on why we separate Church and State. Maybe the article should have been about how we need more funding for eighth grade social studies.

*Ok, this Florida woman did receive a message from God in her goldfish cracker. You typically don't see non-believers (or non-Floridians) making claims like that. Like, Richard Dawkins would never say he saw Charles Darwin's face staring out at him from a piece of bread or a Dorito or something.
"All I see when I look at this sandwich is a cold, 
godless void bereft of meaning...and some lettuce."
-Richard Dawkins

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