Shirtstorm

Pull this shirt from stores in light of
recent events? Gee, you goddamn think?

So Nike was making these t-shirts with the blood splattered phrase 'Boston Massacre' printed on them, but after the recent bombing and subsequent week-long horror-spree, they're pulling them from store shelves. Here's what a Nike spokesperson had to say:

"In light of the recent tragedy in Boston, we took immediate action last week to remove this product from distribution."

-KeJuan Wilkins, PR genius

Well, yes, but sweet mother of all merciful crap, what is wrong with Nike in the first place? I mean, look at the thing. If Nike's t-shirt department were a 10 year old boy, their school would be calling in a behavioral psychologist. 'Boston Massacre?' What ever happened to 'Go Team'? Or 'Have a good game'?

...and this is why I don't write slogans for Nike.

Pictured: The effective range of a
revolutionary-era musket.

Originally the phrase referred to the 1770 Boston Massacre, a clash between British soldiers armed with muskets and colonists armed with harsh words which left five civilians dead and several soldier's feelings hurt. After the trial, six of the soldiers were acquitted and two were convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to branding (I know, right?). It may sound unfair, but keep in mind that an 18th century muzzle loading firearm was about as accurate and deadly as an angry mob shouting insults, so in many ways both sides were evenly matched.

Above: the sports

While the first blood-shed of the American Revolution is obviously a subject ripe for parody, here, Nike is referring to the rivalry between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees, who, according to my exhaustive internet research are some kind of sporting teams. The implication here seems to be that Yankees fans would like to see the Red Sox dead. Look, I won't pretend to understand the sports, but holy shit, wouldn't you just rather see them lose at baseball?