Monday, February 27, 2017

Today in sedentary achievements...

The heady aroma of Mountain Dew and
garage sale looms heavily over his victory.
So what did you do this weekend? Really? Because Piotr Delgado Kusielczuk just completed his three year quest to beat all 714 original NES games. I'll take your stunned silence as an indication that you're in total awe of this-huh? Oh, that's not awe? That's shrugging indifference? I see, well maybe you'd like me to complain about the President some more? No? Great, then buckle that nerd belt because we're about to talk about old video games and why someone would waste three years playing them all.

Pictured: Some philatelist wasting his
life collecting stamps. Pfft...stamps...
Did I say 'waste three years?' Because I meant to say 'commit oneself to this most glorious pursuit' for three years. Kusielczuk's playing through and finishing every original Nintendo game ever released in North America might sound like a pointless exercise in muscle atrophy, especially considering all the other things one could accomplish in three years, but-huh? Like what? Look, I don't know, I'd probably spend three years playing video games too, but still that's a lot of time and effort to put into livestreaming a hobby.

Kusielczuk's feat is even more impressive considering that he must have had to include a fair amount of objective garbage in the interest of completion. Don't get me wrong, I loved the NES, but a childhood spent renting games from the grocery store (it was a barbarous time) taught me that a good chuck of that 714 game catalogue suuuucked.
I'm looking at you Hydlide. Goddamned Hydlide...
I'm pretty sure TMNT 1 gave me an ulcer.
Also, and I know this is subjective, but games were harder back then. Home console games were still burdened with the atavistic tendency of arcade games to be super difficult and thought nothing of booting you back to the beginning after your three lives were spent. No autosave and no Youtube play throughs. If Nintendo Power magazine didn't cover the game you were stuck in that month you're only hope was asking other kids. And god help you if the family next door had Sega. I mean, did they hate their own children or something?

Anyway, scoff if you will, (and you will, I know you too well) but as someone who gave up on so many of those long-forgotten plastic slabs of frustration, I can say that Kusielczuk has pulled off no mean feat. I mean this man beat the last stage of Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters. And we hand out awards for acting?
Above: Piotr Delgado Kusielczuk, the first person ever to beat every NES game. Sure it's.
not a cure for cancer, but still, pretty neat. Although a cure for cancer would be nice too...

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