The 140 Million Mile High Club

Ok, you've seen it,
now get back in the car.

Hey look, some millionaire has a plan to send people to Mars...or at least near Mars. Dennis Tito, whom future history books may have to refer to as Dennis Tito, the Father of Interplanetary Travel, announced today that he's putting together a Mars flyby scheduled for 2018. What's that? A flyby? Yeah, in order to minimize risk and just to keep things from getting too complicated, Tito's plan is to send two astronauts within 100 miles of the Martian surface and then back to Earth. No landing, no orbit, just a quick hello.

The whole voyage is expected to take 501 days...that's two people, locked in a 600 square foot capsule, in the harsh vacuum of space for 501 days...

I'm sure the 250.5 days spent schlepping back to Earth will just fly by...

"Swear to Christ Tim, if this thing 
wasn't being webcast I'd blow you 
out the goddamn airlock so quick..."

You know, my first thought here is that this will surely end in murder (and the easiest whodunit ever), but Tito says no, because he's got a plan. In order to best represent humanity, he'd like to send a man and a woman. Makes sense, gender equality in space exploration has been kind of lacking. Where he loses me is is the part about sending a married couple, specifically one past child bearing years. Holy shit. His answer to the stress a 16 month claustrophobic voyage to the Red Planet will put on the human psyche is to add sex and marriage into the equation. Great idea. Whenever someone turns up dead, the last person the cops go to is the spouse, right? 

Anyway, here, check out this quote:

Dennis Tito and Tang®,
the Superbowl ad writes itself.

"When you're out that far, and the Earth is a tiny blue pinpoint, you're going to need someone you can hug..."

-Dennis Tito, Space Pimp

Um, I'm assuming by 'hug' he means space-bone. So, you know, picture married, 50-something astronauts screwing in zero-gravity and you've pretty much got Tito's vision.

Also, this might happen. It's not
super-likely, but who knows...

I suppose in many ways, Tito's plan is actually kind of cutting edge. While they won't be landing on the surface, these will be the first humans to see another planet up close and in person and that's got to count for something. Also, scientists will get to study the effect long term space travel has on the human body and mind in a way they never could before. And all joking aside, these astronauts will be the first humans to have sex in space which is pretty cool.

Well, ok, they'll be the first to have sex with another person in space...you know what I mean. Think about it. Some of the astronauts on the International Space Station spend months up there. You can't seriously believe that they don't take care of business...

Don't judge, space can be a lonely place...