Sunday, February 3, 2013

Happy Superball!

Hey, you know what today is? If you said Setsubun, the Japanese Lunar New Year celebration in which kids throw beans at evil spirits to drive them away, you'd be correct. You'd also be a cheater because it means you just looked it up on Wikipedia. Shame on you. Anyway, today is also Superball Day or something.
"Wait a minute, we're demons, right? The hate-filled legions of hell, made of pure evil and
burning with the fury of chaos itself and our weakness is children armed with beans?"
"I know, right?"
Above: Me.
It is with both shame and a small amount of satisfaction that I admit that I don't get sports. Sure, things like Superbowl Sunday, The World Series and...I don't know, what's the other one? Tennis Tuesday? Anyway, these things are an important part of our culture and are one of the few things we Americans have in common regardless of race, economic background or political leanings and that's great. On the other hand, if you're like me and don't get it, you feel like Mr. Spock, constantly raising a single, superior eyebrow at the baffling and irrational behavior of your shipmates.

Woo! The team we've arbitrarily chosen
to support is superior to the team you've
chosen! In your face other people!
Being sports-less does have its frustrations however. I live in the Bay Area and am a dude, so you can imagine how many times over the last couple of weeks complete strangers have said to me without preamble: Go Niners! I don't want to be rude and shout back I don't give a shit but if you ever try to engage me in a sports conversation, just be aware that my eyes are glazing over due to intense boredom. I would never walk up to someone on the street and strike up a conversation about J.J. Abrams or Star Wars...ok, I might, but everyone's into Star Wars, right?

"You're welcome."
-President Bartlet
You know, I've assumed up until now that things like Go Niners! were nothing more than a friendly attempt to engage me in conversation, but now I'm wondering if it isn't some kind of test. Like a football Shibboleth (yes it's a super-smart biblical reference and yes, I heard it on The West Wing) or something and really they're just trying to expose me as a fan of...hang on, let me look this up...The Ravens. Like if I don't Go Niners! back at them they'll call for the guards or something. Is that paranoid?

Anyway, enjoy your barbecues and sports-watching, I'll be at work shrugging indifferently at people who ask me if I'm ready for the big game.
It's something like this, right?
Go 19th Century Prospectors!

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