Damn you, damn you all to hell!

Careful, he might fling
The Right Stuff at you.

Hey, you know what's not an accomplishment anymore? Sending a monkey into space. So screw you Iran, I mean for real. The other Middle Eastern country that starts with an 'I' stunned absolutely nobody today by announcing that they had launched a monkey into space and then returned it safely to the Earth. Ok, I suppose the monkey was probably stunned, but sending animals into space is old news. We've sent monkeys into space as far back as the 1940's. Dogs, mice, even plants have all been to space. I think we were even going to send Lance Bass at one point. It's kind of a dick move since the reason we use animals is because we don't care if they make it back. So bravo guys, a sarcastic slow clap to you all, you've bravely risked a monkey's life for...uh...science?

Sorry, but it's kind of true.

I mean, is there really anything left to learn from monkey astronauts? And it's not like the monkey had to do anything, he probably just sat there strapped into a high-tech carseat. In fact, most animals we launch are little more than living scientific instruments, which is kind of bullshit given that human astronauts spend years preparing and most never actually get the chance to go to space. With monkeys it's the opposite. The ones we send are the ones that were too slow and/or stupid to avoid capture.

I just did the math and curing cancer
would cost exactly 3 luxury yachts,
so like enjoy your fancy boat ride, jerk.

Look, space and monkeys are two of my favorite things, and it's not that I begrudge other countries their right to explore strange new worlds or anything, it just that this launch wasn't even about science. It added nothing to our understanding of the universe and was really just about showing everybody that Iran could build ballistic missiles. It's a total bummer that our space aspirations, as a species, have been reduced to GPS satellites, delivering bombs to people we don't like and giving celebrities pointlessly extravagant ways to spend their fabulous wealth.

In a shocking twist ending, the monkey returned to Earth to find the
State of Liberty intact and the planet run by talking humans.