Newt Gingrich hates the moon and children!

You might remember him as the
ironic leader of the Clinton impeachment.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to disagree with 99.9% of the things said during the GOP debates, so I don't watch them. Yes, I realize that this makes me closed-minded and less informed and therefore just as bad as anyone else who complains about things they're only vaguely familiar with, but that's kinda what the internet is for. Anyway, while I won't watch the thing I do love catching up on all the crazy things that were said. For example, did you know that Newt Gingrich wants to enslave poor kids and sell the moon to private interests? I didn't, and that's the kind of thing I like to complain about.

Lumley and I had homeroom together.
Now he helps me dress myself.

First of all how did I miss him wanting to change child labor laws so that working-class kids can work part-time at their schools? Yeah, I guess he wants them cleaning bathrooms and rickshawing rich kids around to supplement their families' incomes. You know, the families he as a congressman, helped financially ruin over the last couple of decades? Apparently he feels that manual labor would teach poor kids things like discipline and a work ethic and prepare them for their future careers of waiting on their social betters. Aim high kids, some day you might be the one mopping these floors!

Pepsi Presents the Moon:
The Satellite of Intense Flavor!

So back to the moon (please). I suppose he's not so much anti-moon as he is anti-NASA. He blames their inefficient bureaucracy (and not say budget cuts and lack of public interest) for the United States not having moon bases, space colonies and Deathstars. According to Gingrich, we should have turned space exploration over to private businesses because they know how to get things done. Yup, and if there's one thing the last few years have taught us it's that giant corporations have the public's best interests in mind.


Hey, maybe we can solve both of his problems by putting poor kids to work mining the moon. Sort of an Ender's Game, but with whatever the lunar equivalent of black-lung would be.

"We must patrol the moon and keep the illegal immigrants from taking all the good
moon-jobs away from hard working American grade schoolers."

-Newt Gingrich