Let's cheat the Reaper!

We, as a species, have taken a 'm'eh' approach to things like the environment and climate change. And why not? Giving up the things that are destroying the planet would be inconvenient. It's not that we don't care about the Earth, it's that we don't care about the people who will be alive a hundred years from now. You know, our children.

"Enjoy the planet, suckers!"
                                         -Preceding generations

Behold: Aquatopia, formerly Buffalo.

After all, they (not we) will be the ones around when rising sea levels flood the surface world and force us to surrender control of our once proud civilization to genetically engineered Merfolk. Once formally recognized as the Earth's new masters, these terrible aqua-men will no doubt re-name our great cities things like New Atlantis and Sub-Diego. Grim huh? Fortunately, waterworld (the ice-cap-less future, not the movie) is decades off and most of us will be long dead. Not our problem.

Aubrey is evidently unaware
of Terminators, but still.

Or is it? Drama sting! Scientists are making strides against one of humanity's greatest foes: old people. Or at least aging. Check out this totally sci-fi sounding story. It's not even on a crazy site, it's on the regular news. Here's a quote from researcher Aubrey de Grey who, along with others is working tirelessly to spit in the face of god:

"Certainly, there's nothing that would stop people intrinsically from living thousands of years."

-Aubrey de Grey, Sciencetician

Say waaaaaaht? Thousands of years? Virtual immortality? Short of successfully challenging Death to a game of chess, how is living forever even possible?

"What is this, Deal or No Deal? Just tell me which grail you sick fuck."

-Indiana Jones in a deleted scene from

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Our genes are literally full of science. The secret
of immortality must be in there somewhere

The answer, of course, is science! You see, for some stupid reason, our cells are programmed to die at some point (suck on it Kirk Cameron). But by re-kagiggering the DNA (or something) we can slow or even reverse the aging process. Or if that doesn't work, it might also be possible to clone new organs in a lab. Remember that time someone grew an ear on a mouse? Well, picture an entire pet shop full of spare parts. I mean, really picture that. Yup, the future's going to be a horror show.

What kind of life would that be?
An awesome one, that's what kind.

But if ear-mice aren't your thing, there's always cyborgs. We could all have our weak, non-bullet-proof flesh replaced with kick-ass bionic limbs and laser-eyes. I know some nay-sayers out there might not be comfortable with the idea of spending eternity as a soulless, half-human abomination, but of them I ask this simple question: do you want to live forever, or do you want to live forever and be able to punch through steel? I think the choice is clear.

I'm sure the reality of people living on long past their expiration dates probably has some draw backs. Up 'till now people have had the common decency to die thus making room for newer generations with increasingly lower-riding pants. Immortality will mean more people, longer lines and fewer resources to go around. We'll eventually have to start eating each other, but on the upside we'll be forced to take better care of the environment, not for the children of course, (the hell with them) but for ourselves.

"Hey honey, remember when people could die? That was the best."
"I swear to god Tim..."

-The couple on the right