He knows Americans breathe air, right?

Iraq, whose entire economy is based
on fossil fuels is on board with the
Paris Agreement. Iraq. But not us. 

So as you probably heard, the technical winner of last year's election is pulling us out of the Paris Agreement making us one of four countries in the world-yes, the entire world who are not a part of it. Those other countries are the Vatican, which is an observer state, but fully supports it, Syria which, in their defense, has been on fire since 2011 and Nicaragua who feels the international agreement to curb carbon emissions doesn't go far enough to push the world's biggest polluters (hello!) to do something about our planet's rapid spiral towards inhabitability. So I'm going to give'em a pass.

What's our excuse? Uh, coal industry jobs and the firm belief on the part of Trump voters that climate change is an elaborate hoax on the part of the entire scientific community, China and oh, let's say Satan. Because if there's one thing we should be basing environmental policy on it's the viability of the 19th century's most important energy source.

I suppose future generations living in the waterless wasteland of the future
can take solace in the fact that the coal industry didn't have to budge.

Why are these people applauding?
Are they listening to some other speech?

"...in order to fulfill my solemn duty to protect America and it's citizens, the United States will withdraw from the Paris Climate Accord-(holds for applause, no really)-but begin negotiations to re-enter either the Paris Accord or really an entirely new transaction (wai-wah?) on terms that are fair to the United States' businesses, its workers, its people, its tax payers."

-Trump speaking to what I presume is a carefully

vetted crowd of sycophants and coal company execs

Because I'm not sure fine is the word...

He went on callously dismiss the agreement upon which the fate of life on Earth may well rest saying:

"So we're getting out, but we will start to negotiate and we will see if we can make a deal that's fair. If we can, that's great. And if we can't that's fine."

-Donald Trump on the 

possibility of re-negotiating the-

wait, is it though? Fine I mean? 

Above: Donald Trump forever
yielding any claim on solemnity. 

Ok, couple of things. First of all there is nothing, literally nothing Donald Trump has done or ever will do in his life that anyone would consider solemn. Secondly, I'm not a business guy but you can't just drop out of an agreement and then drop back in on better terms. Also, the leaders of France, Germany and Italy who, just a few decades ago were busy waging war on one another have released a joint statement saying that ok no, they're not going to re-negotiate because that's not how massive international climate accords work.

And then we returned the favor.

In fact, France's President and noted Trump hand-crusher Emmanuel Macron had some encouraging words for the millions of Americans who think this is some bullshit:

"Tonight I wish to tell the United States: France believes in you, the world believes in you. I know that you are a great nation. I know your history, our common history."

-French President Emmanuel Macron referring

to that time they helped us kick out the British

Packed. You think I'm joking but...

He went on:

"To all scientists, engineers, entrepreneurs, responsible citizens who were disappointed by the decision of the president of the United States, I want to say that they will find in France a second homeland..."

-Emmanuel Macron saying 

that-hold the phone, did he 

just invite us all to France?

Holy shit, really? Sure, sudden influxes of immigrants into France haven't gone over super well with that country's xenophobe-crowd, but fuck them, they lost the election to Macron. Of course, he probably means 'second home' in some kind of metaphorical sense...right?

But just in case he's serious, what's French for dibs?

"I don't see what everyone's problem is,
I mean climate change will take years..."

-Donald Trump, age 70

Like most responsible Americans, I am disappointed (but not surprised) by the president's reckless decision. I also like breathing and am not a coal miner so I could give a shit about Trump's reasons. I mean, I'm not deaf to the possibility of coal industry jobs going away, I mean, that's terrible, it really is, but it kind of pales in comparison to prospect of rendering the planet uninhabitable because the guy most of us didn't vote for is hoping to pick up a few electoral votes in Pennsylvania. And to be clear, re-negotiation isn't an option. That's horseshit.

Other countries aren't going to bend on this issue just because our technical president is throwing a tantrum. And while moving to France sounds pretty awesome, and I totally appreciate President Macron's completely serious invite, I think I'm going to stick around, at least for the time being. I mean, Trump is the one who's under investigation for collusion with Russia, trying to dismantle everyone's health insurance and today just alienated everyone who isn't a coal miner or an idiot. So I don't know, maybe we can just wait him out?

Although if the GOP manages to restrict voting to coal
miners and idiots, we might be in trouble next election.