Let's get those hopes up!

Today's the day everyone! Our long national nightmare is soon to be over. James Comey, the former head of the FBI who said Trump pressured him to stop looking into all the collusion stuff and then fired him, is as we speak delivering damning testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee.

Pictured: Huffington Post's countdown clock which may be
the single most dramatic countdown clock ever to countdown
to a guy giving testimony whose content we already know.

"What, so we're going to give the job to the
person with the most votes? How novel."

-Clinton

Following Comey's testimony, we can expect the President to make a humble and articulate statement on the lawn of the White House wherein he admits that trying to influence an FBI investigation was a gross violation of America's separation of powers, apologizes for not only his reckless and rude behavior these last few months but also everything he's ever said and done publicly in his entire life before handing the Presidency over to Hillary Clinton, boarding a helicopter and flying off, never to be heard from again.

Right? I mean that's where this whole shitshow is going right? An immediate end to the divisiveness and national embarrassment that was visited upon us by November's election? A national Yub Nub with fireworks and Ewoks playing crude xylophones made from the severed heads of their enemies?

Which, holy shit, right? I mean the Ewoks were prepared to roast Luke, Han and
Chewie and feed them to Leia, so yeah, pretty sure those helmets aren't empty.

"Sir, I must say with all due respect
that I disagree with your view
in the strongest possible terms!"

Like, I don't want to be a bummer here, but it kind of seems like we're about to settle into a long, drawn out period of bitterness, name calling and vitriol the likes of which we've yet to experience in American politics. At least during the Civil War people were still (swear to God, no pun intended here) civil to one another. I mean, I'm glad we're not shooting-well, most of us aren't shooting at each other, but we are staring down the barrel of months and months if not years of angry tweets, resurgent hate-groups and Facebook posts about how everyone's a stupid idiot except us. 

I'm sorry, is a Trump seriously lecturing
us on morality? Because, um, Trump...

Did you see this thing Donald Trump's son Eric said?

"I've never seen hatred like this. To me, they're not even people. It's so, so sad. I mean, morality's just gone, morals have just flown out the window and we deserve so much better than this as a country. And you know, it's so sad."

-Eric Trump speaking to Sean Hannity seemingly 

without the even slightest whiff of irony

Above: Obama's Supreme Court nominee,
Merrick Garland. But please, do go
on about Democratic obstructionism.

He then went on to describe the DNC as an imploding party of whack job obstructionists with no message of their own who are resorting to sabotage because they're bitter at having been crushed so thoroughly in last year's election by his dad. Yikes, right? And sure, I'm going to pick an example of someone on the right being a dick while remaining conveniently silent on say, Kathy Griffin or whomever, but that's just because I, like everyone right now, am hugely biased and besides, whatever you think of Kathy Griffin, she's not super-likely to tweet us into a war with North Korea. 

So buckle up everybody, today promises to be a thrill-ride of damning allegations, nakedly partisan spin and dramatic red 'breaking news' banners coming to, let's be real here, absolutely nothing. At least until everybody puts politics aside and agrees to examine the evidence of obstruction of justice, collusion and corruption with cold detachment and with nothing but the best interests of the country in mind. So like, never, right?

"Yeah, we're pretty fucked."

-James Comey

giving us the gist