Pat Robertson to women: "You'd be happier if you'd just shut up."

Hey ladies, are you angry that your husband is cheating on you? Here's the secret: shut up. There. Bam. Pat Robertson just solved your marriage problems.

"The Bible tells us that shutting up will help women solve all kinds of
problems. Broke a nail? Shut up. Bad hair day? Shut up. The menstruation?
Shut the hell up. You see? It works for everything!"

-Pat Robertson, expert on things

"Thou shalt kick him to the curb girlfriend."

-Luke 15:32

A viewer wrote in to his show with a problem. The kind of problem for which you might expect a religious person to seek advice from a spiritual leader. Her husband cheated on her and she's trying to forgive him. I guess because the Bible says something about forgiveness, probably somewhere in the back...look, I don't know, it's a pretty long book. Fine, whatever, her beliefs compel her to try and work through her marital issues rather than simply dumping his ass and I suppose I can respect that.

Above: The exact moment when Kristi
is invited to shut up. Around the :29 mark.

But why does she ask Pat 'move to Saudi Arabia so you can beat your wife' Robertson for help? What made her think Pat Robertson was going to do anything other than tell her she's just a girl and should shut up? In fact, first he gives his co-host, Kristi Watts, a crack at it before telling her to shut up:

"Well...I think forgiveness can be one of the most difficult things in the whole wide world to do, and especially when it comes to a spouse because that's one of the ultimate betrayals-"

"You may still smell like that
whore, but I just can't stay
mad at these cheekbones..."

Sorry, what's that Kristi? Were you talking? Because shut up. Pat's got something to say. I guess he wasn't so much interested in what she had to say as he was interested in telling her how wrong she is. Behold:

"-Alright. Here's the secret-this is the secret: Stop talking about the cheating! He cheated on you, alright, he's a man. Well, ok...so what you do is you begin to focus on why you married him in the first place, on what he does good...start focusing on those things and essentially fall in love with him all over again. And I recommend you reach out and touch him-touch his face! Touch his face! ...think about those things and give him honor, instead of trying to worry about it..."

-Words that Pat Robertson actually said. 

Out loud. For real.

"Do you, Steve, promise to love, honor
and cherish Nicole and also to get a little 
biblically sanctioned tang on the side?"

Oh, and hold on guys, while Pat Robertson, and by extension God are basically telling women that they are essentially life's punching bags, they're also calling men out as mindless dicks with feet who can't stop cheating. As long as they provide food and shelter and refrain from beating the children, they're holding up their end of the bargain. Sure, they may come home with syphilis from time to time, but as Pat says: "recognize also, like it or not, males have a tendency to uh...wander a little bit." Did I mention he's a spiritual leader to like, millions of people?

Look, I'm no expert on the Bible so for all I know, Pat's totally an expert on what makes a healthy bronze-age marriage, but how does this guy have a TV show? In the 21st century? And moreover, what's with his female co-hosts? Have they all got Stockholm syndrome or something? Like, what does he do to them?

Suffice it to say, Mittens will no longer be
questioning Pat's interpretation of Ephesians.