Thursday, May 16, 2013

Dear J. J. Abrams, here's 11 dollars.

Here, just...just take it...
Today's the day nerds! Today the awkwardly titled Star Trek Into Darkness comes out! I say awkward because I never really thought of Star Trek as a verb. I mean, if anything I associate it with sitting in front of the television for hours at a time but, whatever, this is J. J. Abrams's Star Trek-a fact that I find both exciting (hey, it's a new Star Trek movie!) and disappointing (hey, it's a new reboot Star Trek movie). I should explain that Abrams and I have a complicated relationship. Partly because he's in charge of Star Trek now and partly because we've never met.

"I've never been a fan of Star Trek."
-J. J. Abrams, 2008

"No Shit"
-Me, just now
"Which one's this? Star Trek 9?
Where's Spock, is he in this one?"
Look, 2009's alt-reality sorta-reboot was fun. It had a great cast, neat effects and all the beeoop-beeoop noises on the bridge and most important of all it was the first Trek movie since First Contact you could bring your non-Trekkie friends to without them gouging their eyes out in abject boredom. On the other hand it had some problems, problems that I may have mentioned before, but because the internet is dangerously low on nerds listing things, here are my three biggest issues:

One: The film was full of scientific inaccuracies that even a Texan school board would call out as bullshit. Yeah, ok, Star Trek was never a master's course in astrophysics but holy shit, black holes are collapsed stars, not alternate-universe time-holes.
"What? The dealership was out of red?
God, I hate you guys."
Two: Starfleet would never hand the Enterprise or any other ship over to a cadet just because his father was famous. Sure, he saved the planet, but regular-universe Kirk had to work all his life to get his own ship. Alterna-Kirk just had it handed to him like one of those entitled kids on My Sweet Sixteen. I want to watch this movie thinking Kirk is awesome, not sit there seething about how he's another entitled jerk winning at life.

Three: I will never forgive J. J. Abrams for destroying planet Vulcan. Never.
"I don't know what's more insulting: the destruction of my homeplanet,
or the fact that it's being imploded by something called 'Red Matter...'"
But hey, it's Star Trek 12, so they've got me. I'm going. I'll let you know what I think, because I'm sure you're dying to know.

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