Open Season

Look, we all know Fox News is a biased, poorly researched, joke of a media outlet that only exists to give old people something to watch and nod their heads at during the two or three hours there isn't an episode of NCIS on, but for real, guys.

"Finally, a 24 hour News Network that isn't afraid to tell it like it is: That global 
warming is bullshit and that the President is really a gay Muslim from Kenya..."

-Some Old Guy

"Fox News: if you're not watching,
you're probably a queer."

Apparently the hosts of Fox News are no longer content with just bashing Democrats, women, gay people, non-white people, poor people and people who believe in dinosaurs so now they're reaching all the way back to the pre-industrial age for some good old fashioned witch persecution. A friend of mine, herself a practicing witch, sent me an online petition to sign asking Fox News's Tucker Carlson to please apologize for being such a tremendous asshat. Oh, and first let's clarify something: Wicca (or Paganism) is an actual religion practiced by millions of people around the world and can trace its origins back to the bronze age.

Ok kids, pick up those brightly-colored
fertility symbols laid by a giant bunny
...wait, what's this about again?

There. I just spent two minutes researching the topic, which is precisely two minutes more effort than anyone at Fox News was bothering with before opening their goddamn mouths about shit they know nothing about. You're welcome. Now, the story that has drawn so much witchy ire is this jaw-dropping segment in which Tucker (yeah, his name actually means to make one tired) Carlson calls out Missouri University for having the temerity to recognize Pagan holidays alongside 'real' religious holidays like Christmas and Easter, because there's nothing Pagan about those...

"Hey Tucker, fuck you."

-Wiccans dismissing 

Tucker Calrson

So what if MU added Wiccan holidays? In addition to Christian holidays they also recognize Jewish, Muslim, and Buddhist traditions alongside less common ones like Sikh and Zoroastrian. What's Tucker's beef with witches? Check out this quote:

"The bad side of Wiccanism is that it's, obviously a form of witchcraft, the upside is that you get a ton of holidays..."

-Tucker Carlson, dismissing the 

beliefs of a million Americans

Did you catch his funny, funny joke? He's saying that practitioners of Wiccanism (which I don't think is the right word, but whatever) are only doing the whole Pagan thing because they want extra days off from work. It's sort of like suggesting that Christians are only into their faith for the Christmas presents.

"So who is this Jesus anyway, and if it's his birthday
how come we get prese-holy shit! Xbox 360! Thanks Santa!"

74% of Fox News hosts hire prostitutes.
It's ok, I'm rounding up.

Next, Carlson goes on to complain about how 20% of MU's recognized holidays are Wiccan. Ok, here, I count 47 holidays on MU's list. Of them, 8 are Pagan. That's 17%, but fine I guess, he's rounding up. Later, his co-host will inflate the number to 20 holidays or 42% of the academic year but no one will call him on it. Instead, they just spend the rest of the segment bitching about how Pagans get 20 holidays but no one should care because none of them personally knows any Pagans.

Then he says this:

"Any religion whose most sacred day is Halloween, I just can't take seriously. I mean, call me a bigot...How many Wiccans can name every Wiccan Holiday, or even 50% of them?"

-Tucker Carlson, expert on Wiccan statistics

"Happy Halloween! Oh, and be sure to remember how good this
Fun-Size Snickers tasted while you're burning in hell for all eternity!"

*Although Econ 301 makes
it a lab requirement.

First of all, dick, Samhain is listed in the MU calendar as a Wiccan observance, but it is also a Christian Holiday in the form of All Hallows Eve. Secondly, you are a bigot and lastly I'm not a Wiccan but I do have internet access so here's all eight holidays: Samhain, Yuletide, Imbolc, Ostara, Beltain, Litha, Lughnasadh and Mabon. You know, MU isn't asking students to do anything. Nobody's being forced to cast a spell or dance naked around a bonfire,* the school's just acknowledging the diverse belief systems that make up the student body. It costs them nothing, and expands people's knowledge, so shut the hell up.

The upshot: Tucker Carlson has never met a Pagan, and there aren't that many anyway (ok, yes there are, but Fox is not so much with the research) so it's open season on witches. Um, hasn't this attitude been the cause of shit like anti-Semitism, McCarthyism, literal witch hunts and the persecution of minority groups since the dawn of time? Didn't he have to read The Crucible in school?

"Prudence Goodwyfe, you stand accused of listening to NPR, shopping
at Whole Foods and voting for the Green Party. How do you plea?"

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"I love you. However, I hate you."

-The words of Spock 

Season 2, episode 12

P.S. As the founder and, to date, the only member of the Church of Vulcantology, I too may one day find myself the target of Fox's scorn for my beliefs. We (I mean, I) are a peaceful people who believe in the example laid down by Mr. Spock from Star Trek. If you're interested in welcoming Spock into your life, please enjoy this comic about the death and resurrection of our most venerated Vulcan. This message brought to by the Church of Vulcantology.