You may totally suck, read on to find out.

"Hey Franklin Mint, where's
my commemorative plate?"

I know the polls aren't closed yet, but do you know who sucks? Anyone who got out of bed, went down to the polling place and voted for an amendment that would ban gay marriage. If you did that in North Carolina this morning, you're a bad person. No really. Everyone who voted today against the amendment stood up for equality in the tradition of Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King Jr. and Professor Charles Xavier so they're cool, but if you're one of the 51% (or whatever it turns out to be) of voters who took time out of their day to say fuck you to people who want equal treatment under the law just because you have a different opinion on what marriage is, you suck.

This guy is the reason we have
a representative democracy.

That's really what this amendment is: an opinion poll with the force of law. It's politicians telling people that their religiously-based prejudice when it comes to gay people is not only acceptable, but worth writing into the State Constitution and that's bullshit and pretty much what's wrong with everything. I'm not a constitutional expert but I'm pretty sure civil rights aren't supposed to be based on a show of hands. We shouldn't be handing down amendments the same way they choose the winners on RuPaul's Drag Race.*

"C'mon Edith, gay marriage
isn't going to ban itself"

So why an amendment when same-sex marriage is already against the law in North Carolina? Well, homophobes understand they're on legally shaky ground and that support for treating gay people like crap is rapidly evaporating (that is to say, old people are dying off) so they want to amend the constitution now while their supporters can still catch a nursing home shuttle to the polls. Oh, and sorry old people, but if you'd stop screwing things up for the rest of us I wouldn't have to be so mean.

"Nyanyanyanya nya nya..."

-Ulysses S. Grant

We once had to fight an entire Civil War to explain to the people of North Carolina that wanting to own people is not the same thing as being legally or morally entitled to own people. I know that slavery and marriage equality are two very different issues, but the common theme here seems to be 'shut up and accept that people have rights whether you like it or not.'

Above: Brian Brown, the square-
jawed, aryan face of NOM. If you ever
see him, tell him I think he's a dick.

Look, I pick on the South (and old people for that matter) sometimes for being backwards, and you know, racist, but that's not really fair. In fact, there's an ever-increasing number of Jennifer Huddlestons (Jennifers Huddleston?), out there fighting the good fight and I'm writing this while voting is still going on so it's possible (but not likely) that the amendment might be defeated. If it does pass, I'm pretty sure marriage equality isn't going to go away and that's what I'll never get about people like Focus on the Family and National Organization for Marriage: do they really expect people to give up on their rights?

"We were going to get married, but then we thought about how it would affect people who hate us and
well, we just couldn't do that to the Christian right. Second class citizenship is just fine by us."

-Gay people, at least according to homophobes

*On a side note...

While I've never seen RuPaul's show (what? I don't have cable), I feel compelled to point out that viewers of RuPaul's Drag Race are 100% more informed about what they're voting for than the average person going to the polls in North Carolina is when it comes to the actual effects of legal same-sex marriage on their lives.

I've also done the math and can safely predict that if drag queens were the only people allowed
to vote in North Carolina, there would be 100% more marriage equality right now...also 73% more tucking.