Sunday, January 30, 2011

Jennifer Huddleston: Tweeter of Injustice

Hey Harps, fuck you.
Sometimes I think to myself that maybe we should have finished off the south while we had the chance. Does this make me a bad person? Probably, but I am kidding so settle down. It's just that sometimes people in the south do things like this. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, people in other places do crappy things like this as well. But we're not talking about them right now. Anyway, this grocery store in Arkansas placed a 'Family Shield' over the covers of US Magazine because it featured a photo of Elton John, his husband and their baby. A god damned 'Family Shield' to protect people from a picture of a family.

William Seward,
Secretary of Makin' Out 1861-65

Wow. I really hate it when the word family gets used as code for straight white christians. For real. Also, check out the text of the 'shield': To protect young Harps shoppers. I guess they're saying that the youth of Arkansas is so mentally fragile that they can't handle the fact that Elton John is married to a dude with whom he has a child. Is the mere suggestion of gayness really enough to send southerners running? If so, the Civil War could have been over in a week and without all the killing and Atlanta burning. Lincoln could have driven around the south in a stage coach making out with William Seward. War over. Also: rumors confirmed.

Jennifer Huddleston
(artist's rendition)
So yeah, it's probably not fair of me to make Civil War jokes every time there's a news story about bigotry in the south. After all, it's important to remember that douchbaggary is certainly not exclusive to everything south of the Mason-Dixon. Remember this shit? That was here in California. Also there was this dude in New York. And who could forget Haley Barbour, governor of Mississ-uh...let's say Vermont. The point is, that in ripping on the sheer idiocy of Harps Grocery Stores we must remember that Jennifer Huddleston, the woman who tweeted the photo of the 'Family Shield' is herself southern and a champion of justice. Check out what else she said: "I love Arkansas. I hate to see this sort of thing happen here or anywhere." Advantage: Huddleston.

Harps has since relented, but should we even care at this point? Instead of taking the opportunity to apologize and own up to their mistake, the Harps spokeswoman blamed their customers saying that complaints from shoppers prompted the manager to deploy the 'Family Shield' and save us from Elton's gay-rays. Classy. And then there's this awesome statement from Harps' CEO I stole from the Vancouver Sun article:
"What? Some of my best
friends are gay 

British pop icons."

"Both our employees and our customers come in all shapes and sizes, beliefs and preferences, Harps has never and would never discriminate. We are sorry these events caused misunderstandings."
-Roger Collins, CEO, DB

Starbucks Coffee, now available in
Tall, Grande and Two Gay Dads. kinda seems to me that Harps would and has discriminated. Also, this isn't a misunderstanding. The Harps manager made a dick move. Roger could have and should have nutted up and apologized, but instead he just suggested that 'events caused misunderstandings.' That's like saying: "I am sorry the punching of you was caused by our fists." Apologies don't work in passive voice. And another thing, is being gay, married and a parent a preference? Maybe it's a size or shape...I'm confused, Roger, help me out.

So I guess that's it. Harps has succeeded in embarrassing the south as well as the entire nation in front of the Australians, the British, and pretty much every country that calls soccer football and has access to the internet. Not to mention the fact that this story was beamed into space and is probably right now tipping the scales on Klendathu in favor of invading Earth. Thanks Harps, thanks a bunch.
"Hey Ted, did you see that thing about that grocery store and the Elton John magazine cover?"
"Yeah, they put a warning label on it or something...these guys are from that planet? Oh, let's get'em!"

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