Saturday, January 1, 2011

Chupacabra, we hardly knew ye.

Would you read something
 called Vapid Media Whore Magazine?
Didn't think so.
Well, it's the end of another year, and as such it's time to remember those who have left us. It's a thing we humans do to mark the passing of time and to fill out the ridiculous amount of air time devoted to the non-event that is the calendar rolling over to another year. 2011 follows 2010, is it really news? Anyway, back to the parade of dead people. I should clarify that by 'left us' I mean died-they didn't break up with us. Also, by 'those who' I mean famous people. Millions of people die every year, but since most of us belong to the faceless mass of humanity, who cares, right? Not the ironically named People magazine, that's for damn sure. So here're some of the (famous) people who died this year:

It is always funny when
TV moms swear...always.
Barbara Billinglsy! While she's certainly most famous for playing June Cleaver on Leave it to Beaver, to me she will always be the helpful passenger who comes to the rescue with her knowledge of jivetalk in Airplane! She was 94! She lived through two World Wars, 18 presidents, the rise and fall of the Soviet Union, the Cold War, and the discovery and subsequent demotion of the planet Pluto. That's an amazing run. Kudos.

Yeah Captain, I got it: don't call 
you Shirley. It was funny the 
first fifty times.

Speaking of Airplane!, Leslie Nielson died too. Airplane! and the Naked Gun movies are some of the funniest goddamn movies ever in large part due to Leslie Neilson. There were maybe three jokes between these movies, but somehow he made them hilarious (a super-power not possessed by the millions who quote the movie every day, so take note). Also, he was in Forbidden Planet in a serious role...well, if Space Captain is a serious role. If you haven't seen it, it is one of the best and most influential sci-fi movies ever. It 'inspired' Gene Roddenberry in the same way Queen's Under Pressure 'inspired' Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby.

Sorry Blanche,
there can be only one.

And then there's Rue McClanahan. It's a dark year indeed when we lose a Golden Girl and so soon after the passing of Bea Arthur (watch her in the Star Wars Holiday Special, yes, it's a thing). The loss of southern belle/mega-slut Blanche Devereaux leaves only the delightful Betty White to carry the mantle. Hey, you know what's weird? Betty White is the oldest Golden Girl. I looked it up on Wikipedia (I like do do my research, as long as it's easy). She's even older than Estelle Getty, the woman who played Bea Arthur's mother. Wow, what if it turned out Betty White was secretly deranged and killed off her co-stars out of some insane desire to be The Golden Girl. Wouldn't that be wild?

Holy crap, this was a thing?

Perhaps most tragic was the simultaneous discovery and death of the Chupacabra. A Kentucky man 'discovered' (and by discovered I mean shot) what biologists at a nearby gas station say kind of looks like a Chupacabra. At least I assume they were scientists, I mean, the local NBC affiliate wouldn't just interview a couple of random people at the Kum & Go,* would they? Mystery solved: The Chupacabra is real...and now it's dead. Thanks Kentucky. 

For real. That's what it's called. 

*Yes, Kum & Go is a chain of gas stations in the midwest and yes, they are absolutely unaware of how hilarious the name is. I don't think that's where the locals were interviewed about the Chupacabra, I just wanted to mention that there was something called a Kum & Go. And now I have. Enjoy.

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