I'd totally vote for Metrosexual Black Abe Lincoln.

Thanks to Obama, people like Ricketts
can only afford one baseball team.

Wow. These guys really, really hate the President. Check out this story about a proposed Republican attack campaign designed not only to defeat President Obama but also to cement the GOP's reputation as a pack of lunatic racists. The proposal was put together by Strategic Perceptions Inc. for Joe Ricketts, who despite Obama's crazy socialist policies that totally destroyed America for generations to come still owns the Chicago Cubs and has enough cash on hand to commission this batshit strategy.

A bit of the trimmer indeed...

Here's an excerpt:

"The metrosexual black Abe Lincoln has emerged as a hyper-partisan, hyper-liberal, elitist politician with more than a bit of the trimmer in him."

-Actual quote, no, for real, it says that.

What the hell does any of that mean? I have no idea, but you can try to make sense of it if you want. The plan is like 54 pages long, but is padded with large font and extra spaces (I pulled the same scam in high school English) so it's a pretty fast read.

It didn't work in 10th grade and it doesn't work now.

Above: Rev. Wright, possibly making
some sort of anti-American gang sign.

The thing is mostly based around springing Jeremiah Wright on an unsuspecting public. Remember him? Hazily? He was the President's old pastor who said some crazy-town things years ago and the Republicans made it a thing during the election in hopes of distracting us from John McCain's extreme old age and Tina Fey's amazing Sarah Palin impersonation. Anyway, Obama severed ties and we all moved on, but the people at SPI are pretty sure that we all forgot about Wright and that all they need to do now is trot him out again to get Mitt Romney's haircut elected.

The centerpiece of the campaign would be a movie with super slick Hollywood production values like a chick hatching from an egg and some disappointed-looking actors shaking their heads and saying things like: 'What was he thinking' and 'That's HIS debt.' 

"I thought Obama was going to fly around the Earth at super-speeds and reverse time
so that 9/11 never happened. But he didn't. Thanks Obama, thanks for nothing."

-Disappointed American

"OMG, Amber won Beiber tickets? Psscht,
I guess even a blind hog finds an acorn."

-Teens

Oh, so you're probably wondering what's up with the chicken thing. Well, I looked it up and it's a reference to the saying: the chickens have come home to roost. It's something Reverend Wright once said and SPI has made it a re-occurring theme in the ad. As an added bonus, nineteenth-century agricultural colloquialisms really ring true with the GOP's key demos. Anyone who doesn't recognize the youth cred you get with farmer slang clearly fell off'n the tater wagon. Yeah, SPI's got their finger on the pulse.


But the coup de grace? The film would be narrated by Jon Voigt, so basically the President doesn't have a chance. I mean, Voigt stared in Anaconda.

Sure, liberals have Angelina Jolie, but the right has her crazy, leather-faced father.
Suck on that Hollywood elite!

"Racists? No, we just don't want our spokes-
token bursting out into some sort of rap."

-Fred Davis CEO, Strategic Perceptions Inc.

My favorite part of the proposal is the Fending off Racism section (pg. 41). Notice it's not 'Fending off Accusations of Racism,' so I guess on some level the strategists who wrote this are aware that their entire campaign hinges on scaring the shit out of white people. To combat the appearance of racism, they helpfully suggest getting an 'extremely literate conservative African American' to be a part of it. Great advice right? But doesn't the fact that they feel the need to specify 'literate' kind of indicate a certain expectation? Like maybe they think if they don't say 'literate' whoever they get to be a part of this might not know how to read?

Look, I'm not saying that these guys are racists (although they probably are) I'm only suggesting that maybe they don't realize how racist they are.

Above: My proposed strategy for the DNC. It's based entirely on that time Mitt Romney put his arms around some black people and started singing who let the dogs out. What? If it wasn't racist he's got nothing to worry about. 

Ok, I'm still stuck on this...

I guess they figured Gaybraham
Blancoln: Puppy Hunter would
be going a little too far.

What the shit is up with Metrosexual black Abe Lincoln? I mean, everyone (almost everyone) loves Abraham Lincoln, so comparing President Obama to him would be like a good thing, right? But this is an attack ad and they're calling him a 'black Abe Lincoln.' So it sounds like this totally not racist proposal is trying very hard to remind us of how not white the President is. And what's the deal with metrosexual? Are they saying Obama dresses well? Or do you suppose they're trying to appeal to ignorant people who think metrosexual means gay somehow? God, these guys suck.