Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Powerglove: It's so bad. (in 1989 this meant good, but it really wasn't)

The technology of four years ago:

So the thing on the left is the Playstation Move. It's a motion controller for the PS3, so in that way it's a total rip off on the Wii Remote. On the other hand, there's a big light-up ball on the end of it, so it's you know, different. What I want to know is why is a big light-up ball an improvement?

Playstation Move Prototype #3

Someone at Sony clearly made the conscious decision to design a motion controller that doubles as a sex toy you can find in the dark. They apparently felt that we don't look lame enough waving a wiimote (and lamer still saying wiimote) at the screen.

And why are we waving anything at all? No amount of plastic guitars and balance boards are going to change the fact that video game playing is a sedentary endeavor. Remember the good old days when our living rooms weren't full gimmicky controllers designed to fool us into thinking gaming could be the road to something other than fatassery and acne? No? Me neither...
Never worked.

Pounding it with your hands was easier.

Powerglove or get laid someday:
the choice is yours.
(also, never worked)
Not to get all 'crotchety old man' on you here, but I think there was a quiet dignity to the classic hand-held controller. It was an honest interface. One that said to the world: "don't walk in front of the god damned screen, I'm trying to play a game." If we wanted exercise, we turned off the NES and went outside. Granted, this didn't happen often, but still.

an elegant weapon,
for a more civilized age.

p.s. Not only does the Move look lame in reality, the advertisers actually felt the need to up the ante:

not pictured: self-respect

If the future of gaming looks like this tool, then count me out. Who is this guy? What is he supposed to be doing? Does the Playstation Move really surround you with an impenetrable virgin field? Who thought this was a good idea? And how fired are they?

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