Goon Patrol

No, look at this nonsense and then tell me
why we shouldn't sell Florida back to Spain.

They're uh...they're going to fall for this, aren't they? I mean, I know Florida may well be one of our dumbest states, but are they really going to let Rick DeGoddamnedSantis have direct control over an armed force? At a press conference the-Huh? No, I mean an armed force other than the MAGA-hat wearing lunatics with military hardware and white-people persecution complexes who are already roaming the Sunshine State. Anyway, I ask because he's proposed re-instituting the Florida State Guard, a volunteer military unit. 

It's not new. I guess the last time they formed this thing it was during World War II and they needed someone to fill in for the National Guard who were off fighting fascists. So I suppose it's a bit of an historical irony that this new one would be working directly for a fascist. 

"Whoa whoa whoa, would a fascist propose giving himself control of a private militia?
Would a fascist sign a bill requiring universities to report faculty and students who espouse 
beliefs contrary to the Conservative worldview? Would a-sorry, what was the question?"

-Rick DeSantis, noted fascist

"Florida-specific emergencies like hurricanes,
wildfires or Democrats winning elections."

-Rick DeSantis, President of Florida

The Governor-huh? Yeah, yeah he is. Anyway, the Florida State Guard wouldn't, in DeSantis's words: "be encumbered by the Federal Government and don't require Federal Government." Which, coming from the leader of a State that once seceded from the Union because they were keen on owning Black people and making them work for no money, is, you know, alarming. DeSantis went on to say that this new force will be able to assist the National Guard in state-specific emergencies. 

Pictured: another victim of the left's
information campaign, seen here being brutally
forced to get a life-saving vaccine.

So not to keep harping on the Confederacy but standing behind a podium with the phrase "Let us alone" printed on it isn't helping anyone give him the benefit of the doubt here. Sure, this Florida State Guard would be limited to just two hundred goons (what?), but since when is Rick DeSantis interested in addressing crises? Florida (as is the rest of the country) is in the middle of a pandemic which DeSantis has chosen to combat by not only doing nothing, but actively fighting against basic life-saving measures like vaccines and masks. 

"What? Sure I can! 'Merica, Whooo!"

-Gun owners. What? 

I'm not wrong...

So what would this force be for? The Florida National Guard has about twelve thousand members. Two hundred is like one sixtieth of that. Not really enough to do much in the face of one of the disastrous tropical storms the State is routinely pummeled with. And if they're for combating natural disasters why do they need guns? Contrary to what most gun owners in America might think, you can't just shoot your problems away. So I ask again: what even is the point? And maybe this is where I veer into the very same tin-foil hat territory that I so routinely accuse people on the right of living in, but here goes: 

During the last election Donald Trump encouraged supporters to monitor polling places which, translated through the right-wing nutty filter, means "git yer gun and try to scare off the Demey-crats." And really, just a few Florida State Guardsmen (let's be real here, this will be mostly dudes) at key polling places is all it would take to intimidate voters under the guise of "monitoring." Which, between the coup attempt, the naked gerrymandering, and the lionization of Kyle "actually a murder" Rittenhouse, am I actually being paranoid?

I'm not saying the the jury system doesn't work but I mean he drove to another
state, waved a gun at some peaceful protestors, shot three people and
then Kavanaugh'd his way into a self-defense aquital. I mean...