Monday, December 12, 2016

Today in no longer crazy conspiracy theories...

Apples who won the popular vote and
oranges who may have colluded with Russia.
Hey, remember back during the presidential debates when the moderator asked if Trump would accept the results if he lost the election? And he wouldn't answer, which was kind of unsettling but we all had a laugh because there was no way he could win. Remember? I only bring it up because Hillary Clinton is now raising questions about the election but it's not at all the same thing. It's apples and orange-hued real-estate developers. Trump was preparing us for him being a sore-looser, Clinton on the other hand might have a case.

It was funny then because Trump had inarguably lost all three of the debates, was way behind in the polls and besides, America's wouldn't be that...I was going to say stupid, but now that just sounds mean. Um, un-smart?
Fun fact: they're neither silent nor a majority.
Russia? They're like famous
for free and fair elections, right?
So yeah, if it sounds like we're all suddenly cool with questioning the results of the election it's because holy shit, these are some questionable results. Aside from the crazy off-the-mark polls, the bullshit with James Comey and the FBI, the computer scientists who said we should probably look into some of the swing-states, states who then denied the recount requests you know, for reasons. Aside from all that we now have 17 intelligence agencies saying that Russia definitely interfered and the CIA is even going so far as to say they believe it was with the express intent of helping Trump win. How come? No idea, although, back when Russia held totally free elections that Vladimir Putin certainly didn't rig at all, there were like, mass protests which Putin insisted that Secretary of State Clinton had a hand in. But I'm sure this has nothing to do with that, right?

Trump, for his part, is insisting that this is all ridiculous and immediately turned the tables with his usual unassailable logic. On Twitter. Because of course, Twitter.
Hey, remember when he also said that he totally wins the popular vote
when you deduct the 'illegal votes' he baselessly asserted exist? Yeah...
That wild accusation brought to you by
the be-moustached face-hole of a guy
who might Trump's Secretary of State.
To be clear, the argument is that we shouldn't look into the disturbing assessment of our nation's intelligence community that foreign agents interfered with the very bedrock of our democracy because if the situation were reversed we'd probably think Trump was just being nutty. Ok. Not to be out-nutty-ied, former ambassador John Bolton also weighed in, suggesting without, you know, a shred of evidence, that this whole thing is just a elaborate ruse perpetrated by the Obama administration. Holy shit.

Details like, is our next President the
puppet of an ex-KGB Russian strongman?
So obviously, Clinton's campaign is now getting behind a bipartisan request made by some members of the Electoral College to have access to intelligence findings about Russian interference, you know, so they can get a clear picture of just how fucked we all are. The electors cite some shady shit like Trump campaign aides flying to Moscow, FBI inquires into connections between his campaign and Russia and a whole bunch of Russian officials who were like, 'sure, we talk to Trumps people all the time' as reasons they should be briefed on any pertinent details.

Senators McCain and Graham, seen here
 just seconds from a passionate kiss, agree
that this is too important for partisanship.
Ok, so nine of the ten electors who wrote the letter asking for this info are already voting for Clinton so it's bipartisan because the tenth is that Republican elector who wrote an op-ed about how he'd much rather vote for John Kasich, which, you know, eww. But still, these are perfectly reasonable questions to be asking. So reasonable in fact, that even Republican Senators Lindsey Graham and John McCain have teamed up with Democrats Chuck Schumer and Jack Reed to demand an investigation. Even Majority Leader Mitch McConnell wants in.

Pictured: Mitch McConnell, looking
as shocked as we are that we're
all on the same page about this.
"I agree with Senator Schumer, Chairman McCain, Senator Burr and others, this simply cannot be a partisan issue..."

Yes, Mitch McConnell, a guy so partisan he dug in and refused to even talk about Obama picking Anointing Scalia's replacement insisting that the next President should do'd that work out Mitch?

Anyway, I guess the important thing to remember here is that if you're kind of freaking out that the election was compromised at best, or an outright fraud carried out by some covert Russian intelligence agency job at worst, you're not alone and you're not just being paranoid.
For those keeping score, it looks like Russian operatives may have actually manipulated
American elections, thus calling into question the legitimacy of President-elect Trump's win.
Chem trails however are still just the condensation from jet engines, so there's some good news.

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