Friday, September 18, 2015

Hootenannies and Hey-theres

I don't want to tell bible thumpers how to thump their bibles, but could they maybe stop telling waiters that they're going to hell? Yeah, this againA couple went to a Marie Callendars in Boise, Idaho for lunch and when the bill came they signed it with 'Straight,' instead of, you know, with their names. Then they left a pamphlet for the waiter, a guy named Britton Weaver, explaining how he's going to hell if he doesn't stop being all gay and shit. 
"Thanks anonymous strangers! Your sanctimonious attitude and informative pamphlet
really changed my life. I can barely even remember why I chose to be gay in the first place."*

-Britton Weaver, waiter 
and former homosexual

*(not an actual quote)
"Listen, God, great stuff, but can
we maybe trim it down a bit? It's
turning into Game of Thrones here."
On the upside though, they left a $7 tip on a $40 tab. That's 20%. Not bad, right? I guess they didn't want to be rude. Homophobic and hate-filled, sure, but not rude. These jerks just decided that their waiter was going to hell for breaking whatever theologically dubious rules they cherry picked out of their handy guide to living in the bronze age. Then they took it upon themselves to save his soul with a goddamn pamphlet. A pamphlet. Like they're selling a time-share or warning him about gingivitis. I guess any belief system you can't cram onto a tri-fold leaflet probably isn''t worth your time anyway.

"Can I get you started with some appetizers, 
or a discussion about our sexual preferences?"
Also, the customers were making kind of a big assumption here that Britton Weaver is gay. He is, but that's besides the point, it's not like he strolled up and said: "Hi, I'm Britton and I'll be your gay server, who's gay." I've never been to a Marie Callenders, but at most restaurants, who everybody likes to schtup is rarely a part of the customer/server dialogue. Except maybe at Red Lobster. So what is it with super-judgey Christians and gay sex? Why all the interest? And even more confusing, what made these two think Weaver would be interested in their sex life? They felt the need to sign the bill with Straight so we'd all know how straight they are, but why?

I'd imagine that the only thing less interesting to Weaver than who these people pray to, is whether or not they're doing each other. He wasn't making polite small talk while taking their drink orders in the hope that the conversation would veer towards how the male customer likes to stick his doodle in the female customer's hootenanny. Or if she likes to strap on a doohickey and do it in his hey-there. Look, I don't care what straight, religious couples do in private, but why do they think we all want to hear about it?
"Here, in the sight of your family, your friends and God, I now pronounce you married.
 You may now engage in biblically-sanctioned, straight intercourse. Aw yeah..."

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