Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Kim Davis does not deserve a staff...

Ok, so this whole Kim Davis bullshit kind of happened while I was away, so I haven't really felt the need to pile on, but seriously? Eye of the Tiger?
Pictured: Kim Davis raising her arms in triumph as, hand to God, Survivor's
Eye of the Tiger blares in the background. You can't even make this shit up.
You don't have to be a raging homophobe to
work here, but it helps! Mondays, am I right?
Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Rowan County Clerk (it's in Kentucky, try to act surprised) Kim Davis was thrown in jail for contempt of court after she refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Today, Judge David Bunning decided that since four of her five deputies have gone ahead and issued the licenses anyway, that there was no reason to hold their boss, so he released her with the proviso that she not interfere with her staff doing her job for her. Which, yeah, she's totally going to do. Incidentally, why does she get a staff? I don't have a staff, can I have a staff?

So Kim Davis has a beef with gay people, whatever, fine. If she honestly believes that when she dies St. Peter himself is going to boot her off the cloud and straight to hell for not being a big enough jerk to gay people, who am I to say she's wrong?
"Yeah, we actually don't have a problem with gay people...huh? What? Leviticus?
Let me ask you something, do you like shrimp cocktail? You do? Then shut up."
-St. Peter, clarifying a few things
Sorry cats, it's just an analogy. I don't
mean to imply that you're all puffy, white
 media whores who prey on controversy.
Well, ok, she's wrong, there. I said it. But the point is that her job now requires her to do something she doesn't want to do, so why not quit? Or let them fire her? Or, since this is apparently an option, let her staff issue the licenses for her? Anyway, like a cat who heard the sound of someone opening a can of Fancy Feast, Mike Huckabee suddenly appeared to soak up some of Davis's sweet, sweet media attention. He even offered to take Davis's place in jail, which, and I'm not a lawyer, isn't really how jail works. But hey, he got his name out there, so like, good for him, right?

Above: Mike Huckabee basking in the
reflected glow of Kim Davis's relevancy.
"If you have to put someone in jail, I volunteer to go. Let me go. Lock me up if you think that's how freedom is best served, because folks, I am willing to spend the next eight years in the White House leading in this country. But I want you to know that I'm willing to spend the next eight years in jail, but I'm not willing to spend the next years in tyranny under people who think they can take our freedom and conscience away."

-Mike Hucka-hey, did you know 
he's running for President?

Daaaamn! We just got Huckabee'd!
I'm not entirely sure that asking a county clerk to do her goddamned job really amounts to tyranny, but did you notice how cleverly he managed to work his candidacy into his statement? You didn't? Read it again and this time pay special attention to the ham-fisted line about he's willing to spend the next eight years in the White House. There, did you catch it? Eight years? White House? Wow Mike Huckabee, you are a smoothy.

So back to Eye of the Tiger. You'll be relived to know that the surviving members of the band, Survivor, did not give Davis or anyone associated with her permission to use the song, and were kind of annoyed that a bunch of gaycists used it to give Kim Davis an 80's movie montage exit from the county courthouse. Like she's goddamn Rocky or something...
Lemme get this straight: in this scenario, Kim Davis is Rocky. She's sort of the plucky
 underdog who has triumphed over gay people, represented by Mr. T, by punching them for
Jesus. Have I got it right so far? Hey, does this make Mike Huckabee the Burgess Meredith? 

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