Friday, May 1, 2015

Bristol Palin: Victim of Service Delays!

You know with all the unrest in Baltimore shedding an uncomfortable light on race-realtions and police brutality in America, it's easy to forget the real victim: Bristol Palin, whose house sale has been delayed because the travel restrictions in Maryland have fucked up FedEx's delivery network. Fortunately TMZ is there to bring us up-to-the-minute coverage of what a shitty person Bristol Palin is for trying to sell her house at a time like this.
Did anybody stop to think about how this might effect Bristol Palin's realtor? #closingdatesmatter
It's a TV show where E-list famous
people dance and D-list people judge
them. It's also an example of why our
civilization probably isn't worth saving.
Ok, now brace yourselves everybody, because I'm about to leap to the defense of Bristol 'Abstinence-Only' Palin. Well, sort of. I mean, she is an idiot from a proud line of idiots and really only famous for Dancing with the Stars and being the daughter of America's foremost authority on willful ignorance, but TMZ are totally being dicks about this. Oh, and just to be clear, I don't like, read TMZ or anything. I only stumbled on their exclusive story while looking for a misleading headline for the last post. Here, click on this. See? Down at the bottom, the thing about Barbara Streisand. Ok, moving on.

TMZ, for reasons that only make sense to people who own four or more cats and read Star Magazine, has been following the story of this woman selling her house for weeks, and now that there's a tenuous connection to what's happening in Baltimore, this happens:
The byline reads: PDT BY TMZ STAFF,
because it took a team of dedicated journalists
to 'write' 9 sentences about nothing. 
Above: Bristol's parents eating breaded
chicken to protest marriage equality
Um, that's not a quote. Like, Bristol Palin never actually said that the riots are getting in the way of the sale, TMZ just wants you to think she did. They want you to imagine her scooting around the frozen wastes of Alaska on her snow machine, shooting at wolves and complaining about how the protests have completely screwed up her day. Of course, I'm not saying that any of this is outside of the realm of possibility, I'm just suggesting that TMZ has no way of knowing about it. They're just making shit up, which I suppose is kind of their job.

Maybe I'm asking a lot of a website where the top story as I write this is about how Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are waiting for a table at a sushi restaurant, but Baltimore is still on fire, Nepal has been reduced to rubble and four people and a dog just caught the plague in Colorado. The plague! Ok, fine. None of that is celebrity news, but there is a whole new Avengers movie out, can't they talk about that?
"It was ok. The first one was better."
-Everybody who's seen it

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