Batty McBiblequotes V. The Gays

In a stunning move, a 66 year-old Nebraska woman named Sylvia Driskell filed suit last week against all homosexuals. Like in the world. In an equally stunning move, some clerk somewhere took the paperwork she handed them and filed it. Yeah, like a real lawsuit instead of, oh, I don't know, calling security and getting her held for a psyche evaluation.

In Driskell's defense, the bleak endless expanse that is Nebraska would drive anyone batty.

I think there's a joke here, but I can't hear
 it over the deafening sound of historical
irony. At least I think it's irony...

Oh, and did I mention that she's suing on the behalf of God and Jesus? I didn't? Well, she is and if you're anything like me, you're probably wondering how that works. According to my research-what? I googled some things. Anyway, she's suing under title 42, chapter 21 subchapter I section 1983 of the U.S. code which makes it possible to sue on behalf of someone who, for whatever reason, can't themselves file suit. Its original purpose was to sue the Ku Klux Klan on behalf of their victims who would face retaliation but now it's being used by a lunatic to troll gay people on behalf of God and Jesus...

Speaking of two thirds of the holy trinity, why can't they file a lawsuit themselves? I realize that arguing with someone like Sylvia Driskell is a little like arguing with the color green, but I'd really like to understand how her brain works.

Pictured: An artist rendering.

"But it's such a schlep..."

She's suing on behalf of God, which presupposes that God is real, right? Great. Whether or not you think God is really a thing is immaterial, the point is that in order for her logic to make sense, God has to be a real, all-powerful, Sodom and Gomorrah smiting, plague of frogs dropping, beardo who rules the universe and has a beef with gays. See where I'm going here? Isn't it kind of the height of arrogance, not to mention the legal definition of insanity, for Sylvia Driskell to think that God needs her to go down to the Omaha office of the Nebraska District Court and file his wrath for him?

"The court finds the defendants
guilty...of being fabulous."

Obviously, this isn't going to go to court. I mean, apart from the logistics of hauling every gay person in the world (the suit names Homosexuals, like in general) into a courtroom, Driskell's not really suing for anything specific. She just wants a judge to rule on whether or not gayness is a sin, which, c'mon, everything's a sin according to the Bible. Entire chapters are nothing but lists of things that are sins. But since sins carry the legal weight of strudel, this entire thing is nothing more than another officially registered fuck you to gay people everywhere. Thanks Sylvia, thanks a heap...

Look, I'm not saying that God and Jesus don't deserve their day in court to address all the terrible things that gay people have done to them by existing and being so gay. I am however saying that Sylvia Driskell is obviously a crazy person and probably shouldn't be left unsupervised. Besides, shouldn't Jesus be suing the ancient Romans instead?

"Hey! Turn that off. I said no video!"

-Some Roman Soldier