Dear Michael Bay, You're doing it wrong.

So you know how Michael Bay is directing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot movie? No? Well, he is and I offer this fact as proof of a cold, hostile universe that hates us. If it sounds like I'm judging this movie before it's even finished filming it's because I am, but for real, did you see Dark of the Moon?

Above: A typical scene in Transformers: Dark of the Moon...
uh, I think. Look, I really have no idea what we're looking at,
so yeah, I think my concern for TMNT is well founded.

Pictured: The turtles swimming in the
mutagenic ooze as God intended.

You may recall last year's fan-fury (known as The Great Nerd-Storm of 2012) when Bay announced that he'd be dropping the 'Teenage' and 'Mutant' from the film's title and would be re-imagining the Ninja Turtles as 'tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable' aliens. Yes, goddamn aliens who are also ninjas and love our Earth pizza. I know, right? When fans reacted with a hatred that burned brighter than a thousand suns, the studio relented (we thought) and the Turtles would be mutants once again. Because seriously, aliens?

"No, it's ok, I did kind of invade Poland." 

-Michael Bay

Bay, however, wasn't done murdering our nostalgia for 1980's cartoons because he then cast Megan Fox as plucky reporter/lab assistant April O'Neil, which is odd because you may remember her as the actress who compared Michael Bay to Hitler. But ok, so say they made up, fine, but that still doesn't explain why she's playing April. I know this is a movie based on a cartoon, based on a comic book series and as such doesn't require Royal Shakespeare Company credentials, but she is objectively terrible. Does he only know the one actress?

Recently however, it started to look like things were turning around: Will Arnett is going to be Vernon Fenwick, (the obnoxious camera man from the animated series) and set photos had Fox wearing a yellow jacket; a nod to the cartoon April's weird yellow jumpsuit. Cool, right? This thing was shaping up to be an actual TMNT movie.

Here's April in her trademark yellow jumpsu-oh god, wha-what is going on here?
Goddamnit internet, is there no part of my childhood you won't ruin?

He was great in that thing.

Yup, it looked like Michael Bay was finally getting down on his knees and offering us some serious fan service (what? What do you think I meant by that?). But then this happened. Yeah, I know, you're not going to click on it, so here, it's about William Fichner being cast as The Shredder. Look, I have nothing against William Fichner. He's an awesome character actor and you totally enjoyed him in the fifteen of sixteen things you saw him in but can't quite remember.

So what is wrong with William Fichner as the Turtles' nemesis? Versatile though he may be, Fichner is...what's the word I'm looking for...um...white. He's white. The Shredder, a.k.a. Oroko Saki, is a Japanese ninja master from Japan who is Japanese...usually.

Yup that's actor James Avery (on the right, with cake),
but let's face it, we all think of him as uncle Phil. 

Yul Brynner: a trailblazer for
white actors playing asian guys.

Ok, so Shredder has been played by an asian guy only once and that was in the 1990 movie (twice if you count the Vanilla Ice-marred sequel) and even then his voice was dubbed over by a white guy, but it's 2013 now, could they not get an asian actor? I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if they were trying to diversify the cast, like in Thor when they made Heimdall a black guy, or how Lawrence Fishburn played Perry White in Man of Steel. Peter Jackson even made up a female elf for The Hobbit 2 because holy shit, there are no women in Middle Earth. But taking an asian character and hiring a white guy somehow seems a little wrong, especially for the director who came up with those racist robots in Transformers 2.


I'm beginning to think that Michael Bay and I have an abusive relationship. He keeps making shitty movies based on cartoons I remember, and I keep paying him. Will I see TMNT? Of course I will. I know it's going to suck and just piss me off, but I'm still going to hand over $11.50. It's like I know that Soylent Green is people, but I keep eating it anyway.

Honest to god, he could remake the Gobots Vs. Rocklords
movie and I'd probably go see it. What is wrong with me?