Monday, June 10, 2013

Really? We're going with 'Schmeat'?

Say you invented lab-grown meat and you wanted to attract financial backing. Would you name your new product: A) Schmeat or B) Holy shit, anything but Schmeat? If you said A, congratulations, you might be really good at growing in vitro meat in a lab, but you're terrible at marketing.
"This schmeat is shmamazing!"™
You're welcome schmeat industry.
"We're aiming for $250 per pound by 2025."
Later this month, schmeatgineers will be grilling the world's first lab-grown hamburger at a launch party/barbecue in London. Cool right? Sort of. When I say the world's first lab-grown burger, I mean the first and, to date, only. It's one burger and it took two years and cost $338,000 to...uh...culture, so you'll want to eat a little something before you show up. The hope is that the unveiling will attract investors who will fund further research and with any luck drive down the astronomical cost of producing schmeat.

Ok, so once you get over the initial ew gross of eating vat-grown bovine tissue, schmeat actually sounds kind of awesome. Since it's grown in a lab somewhere, schmeat doesn't require grazing land, doesn't produce methane and most importantly doesn't require a bolt gun to the head. Even PETA's behind it, and they hate everything.
M&M's? Seriously? What did they do? Oh...oh dear God...
"Holy shit, you're doing what with my cells?
 I think I'd rather you just ate me now..."
Of course, the fact that schmeat is essentially a sci-fi horror show will take some getting used to and that might not be as easy as it sounds. The schmeat is grown from cells taken from a live animal, and while it doesn't involve killing it, we'll just have to try not to think about the fact that our dinner is alive and well, chewing its cud on a farm somewhere, blissfully unaware that at that very moment its muscle tissue is being digested in three-hundred million American stomachs.

But if it means murder-free burgers, I guess we can deal, right? Probably. Although how long do you suppose it will be before some weirdo in a lab coat comes up with Schmeople.™ I mean, someone's going to try it eventually...
Try the new vat-grown McLongpig!
For a limited time only.

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