Tuesday, June 4, 2013


Pictured: a Hootenanny.
So let me preface this with two important points. Firstly, the following post will contain language that
some people might find offensive because it refers to sex acts. While we're all adults living in the 21st century there are still some people who can't discuss wing-wangs and hootenannies and what people do with them without snickering like twelve year olds or getting all uptight and offended before feinting in disgust. Like for real everybody, it's time we all get over it.

Secondly, the fact that Michael Douglas's cancer is in remission is awesome. Fuck cancer. And no, you're totally not allowed to be offended by the phrase 'fuck cancer,' because for real: fuck it, it's the worst.
Seriously, cancer's a dick.
No, you're thinking of aural,
this was oral: with an 'o.'
Anyway, you may recall that Michael Douglas recently told The Guardian that his throat cancer wasn't caused by smoking but was a result of the human papillomavirus or HPV which he contracted from oral sex. Wow. Thanks for being upfront about it Michael. It's nice to know that we're all mature enough as a society to discuss STD's in a frank and honest-oh wait, no, guess not. Ok. Today, Allen Burry, the actor's representative, is saying that Douglas was misquoted.

While Douglas and Xan Brooks (the interviewer) discussed HPV as a known cause of cancer, he didn't, according to Burry, cite it as the cause of his cancer. That's right everybody, rest assured that Mr. Douglas's cancer was caused by alcohol abuse, drugs and a nicotine addiction and not something repulsive like sexually pleasuring his partner.
Sometimes I think there's something seriously wrong with us...
John Bullshit? No? Alright...
Calling John Bullshit on Allen Burry's statement, the British newspaper defended itself by posting the audio of the interview. While it sounds like it was recorded several rooms away while underwater it is clear that Douglas did indeed cite HPV as the cause of his cancer.

Xan Brooks: Do you feel, in hindsight, that you overloaded your system? Overloaded your system with drugs, smoking, drink?

Michael Douglas: No. No. Ah, without getting too specific, this particular cancer is caused by something called HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus. 

Michael Douglas: known
fornicator. Approach with caution.

Blamo. There it is. In the audio clip, he seems pretty upfront about it, so I'm guessing that his representative was trying to walk back something he thought would hurt the actor's career, but whatever. It's pretty messed up that anyone would think they would have to keep the truth about an illness a secret because of some Victorian stigma attached to it. Like what did Douglas's rep think we were going to do, make him wear a scarlet O in his next movie?

I don't know, it seems like this would have been a great opportunity to raise awareness of an STD which is so common that anyone who has sex ever will get it at some point. Holy shit, right? On the other hand, this incident did raise awareness of what an idiot Michael Douglas's rep is. Like did it never occur to him that the interview might have been recorded?
It's not like audio recordings ever came back to bite someone in the ass.

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